Day 412 -- Who am I as "stupid"

I have a resistance to just writing or speaking the word "stupid", even remotely related to me, even with the question "who am I am as stupid", of which is the title of this blog, there is the energy of resistance within and as me.  All my life, I grew up afraid that I was "stupid".  I also grew up feeling "less than" others as well as feeling "socially enept and afraid to interact socially because I feared I was stupid"  I used to speak to myself that I was stupid, in my mind, as a child.  I was afraid as being seen as stupid.  When I got to an older child, I started hearing from others that I was hyper.  This feed into my social fears.  It wasn't that I always felt that I did not fit in, but wasn't good enough to fit in, or I would not have anything to say - so I did not talk at all.  This fear is suppressed within and as me to this day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word "stupid" as negative / bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear as a child when someone would call me stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, when I was a child, that when someome called me stupid, it was in fact so and that I was bad or not therefore worthy of being a human being and having friends.  Within this, I forgive myself that I, even as a child, did not see, realize, and understand that kids can be mean without realizing and that these are only words and opinions and judgments that are not in fact physically real - only energies.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these reactions to being called "stupid / dumb" as a child and a teenager into and as the cells of my body and my mind where these would direct and influence me later in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of being "stupid" as being  "inferior / less" than and thus react in fear to the point of being judged as stupid / called stupid, especially as a child - not realizing that "stupid" is a judgment and is not actually real.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what is in fact real is what is physically here, as flesh, as the physical, as the breath - and that we have different abilities, expressions, and aptitudes based on the influences of our early child-hood development and programming from schools, teachers, parents, computers, and television - and that one's "intelligence" is not based on inherent things, such as simply that one is inherently "stupid", but that one's expressed aptitude is more of a reflection of the effectiveness of one's early childhood development, and thus it is nothing "personal"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take criticism personally as if it is the absolute truth of who I am, like a final judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was being judged by my peers while growing up, like a final judgment from God within the point "thou art stupid / less than / unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the self judgment / belief / idea / and perception that I may be stupid and also hyper.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression where I don't talk to much, if at all, especially in my childhood -while growing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge CWMS as "stupid and hyper" when observing his behavior, especially when he prays, and talks over and over again about the same point, and guzzles water.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel / go into the experience of superiority towards him, where I mute my expression towards him, change my body posture and tone of voice, because I "do not participate in such foolishness".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may be socially inept or incapable of taking care of myself in life because of my social ineptness, and then judge CWMs as being so and then going into a superiority point towards him as a reaction where I feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge CWMSs behavior as "foolishness"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear "being the fool / being fooled"

I commit myself to breathe when and as I see these patterns coming up.

I commit myself to keep myself to not change my physical expression when in CWMs presence by slowing down, breathing, and remaining here instead of going into these patterns.

I commit myself to, when and as these patterns come up - to bring it back to self within the realization that CWMSs is a mirror reflecting me back to me.