Free Time

I just want to “take it easy” and fall back into my mind, my comfort zone. I have been experiencing a lot of backchat regarding completing assignments and also breathing through previous points that I have already explored. A lot of this also has to do with backchat that I accept and allow regarding “being normal” from the perspective that 'most people aren't spending all their free-time dealing with, what would be considered by “normal” humans: “trivial shit” regarding thoughts that one accepts and allows; and because of my participation within this backchat, I am creating the feeling of “missing out on free/fun time that I could otherwise be experiencing like everyone else”.

When I have free-time defined as time that I do not have to work or take care of some task, I find myself struggling with the desire to spend that time doing some sort of activity that I derive some form of pleasure from. I view this as my right and my need to be placing myself into activities that I find and have defined as pleasurable and “fun” in my free-time of which self-examination and writing to stop my mind, does not as of yet fall into that category. I feel as if I am missing-out on the living of my life when I abdicate my time to writing about myself as my mind.

I realize and understand that I, and I alone, am responsible for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as my mind both in my actual personal life experience and as it is universally – as the mind as it is expressed and represented in and as this world, as it is in its entirety. I realize and accept that my refusal to stop my mind is giving permission, not only for me to live within myself as systems, reactions, feelings, and emotions, but also I am giving permission for this existance to exist as it is in its current state. I realize that this current state of existance is unacceptable, so long as even one being suffers. I realize that the suffering that exists in this world is one and equal with what I have accepted and allowed within my own mind as me as the mind, and therefore realize and accept that not participating daily in the stoping of my mind is me giving permission for all the abuse and suffering in this world because I am giving permission for all the abuse and suffering to exist within my as my mind, my secret mind, conscious, subconcious, and unconcsious mind. I realize and accept that I have been giving permission for abuse and suffering to exist in this world, of which I could very well personally experience one day, just because I want to have it my way with “my” time.

I use the word “accept” to indicate that I am not in denial of these realites – not to indicate that I don't care or couldn't give a shit. I am writing this to stop my participation in the abdication of my self-responsiblitiy because of my participation in my own accepted and allowed backchat wherein I am telling myself lies to appease my desire to remain in the mind, systemitized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat, internal conversations with me and my mind, that I would rather not discipline myself to write self forgiveness daily or whenever I have time because I have not defined this as “fun”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that I have defined writing as “not fun” which only exists in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that activities only have values that I give to them and have no value in and of themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that I have charged the word fun with as positive/good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place certain activities within this word and then thereby charge those activities as positive/fun in contrast to what I have not placed within the definition of the word fun.

I forgive myself that I have limited my ability to express and experience myself within the context of the definitions and values that I give words and activities and things that I attach to words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the emotion of fear of not having fun because of my participation in the thoughts that writing is not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form resistance to writing because my participation within the emotion of fear of not having fun which is a result of my participation within the self created construct/definition of the way that I have defined the word fun in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and percieve that my happiness is attached to my fullfillment of activities that I have pre-definied as fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness within the context of doing something that I have defined as fun in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to define happiness within the fullfillment of predefined activities outside of self is a point of separation and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, think, and percieve that happiness comes from participation in activities/thoughts outside of myself and that within this I have not allowed myself to realize that happiness can be redefined as something that I am and already possess here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility because of my participation in my accepted and allowed backchat and defintion that writing is not fun.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that I have created a polarity within my experience due to my participation within my definition and positive value that I have given to the word fun and those activities and things that I have defined as fun – whereby I am either not participating in what I have defined as fun (bad/bored) or am participating in what I have defined as fun (good/entertained/living).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I choose to be here, by simply breathing, no matter what activity that I paricipate in and to give any activity a positive or negative value only serves to create a polarity of postive and negative which brings me into and as my mind in separation from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and create the construct of “free time” in which the words free and time I have assigned to the time that I am not doing something that is necessary to my survival.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to define the different segments of time that I have in polarity as positve (free) or negative (compolsary activities) only serves to create a polarity construct wihtin me which creates energy cycles wherein I am deprived of energy in the negative cycle and seeking to rechage in the positive cycle never being here as a constant as breath – not assigning any values whatsoever to my time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the sound construct within the word “time” as “tie me” = bind me/enslave me/limit me and also within my participation within the self described definition/construct of “free-time” I am binding/enslaving myself to the CONcept of FREE time in separation from myself and what is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and uderstand that I give to myself freedom within my ability to support myself to remain here as breath in every moment in oneness and equality with all as me wherein I am not judging, rating, and assigning values to things outside of myself in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in every I am supporting what is best for all if I am paricipating in what is practical to be done to support myself here in the physical/supporting my physcial needs and doing what is necessary to be done to stop my paricipation within my mind which does not entail judging my time in any way whatsoever but standing in every monent in equality as life, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and deserve to have some form of pleasure in what I have defined as free-time.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason why I have the desire to participate in some form of pleasure in what I have defined as freetime is because of my participation within thoughts derived from my self-described definition of certain segments of time as “free-time” and that it would be silly to have any emotional form of desire to seek pleasure in any segment of time if, in fact, I had no self-defined points in any of “my” time and allowed myself to realize that all time is in fact equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convinced myself that I need some form of pleasure to fill what I have defined as “free-time”.

When I see myself begin to paricipate in the emotional resistance to writing because of backchat that I accept and allow in which I tell myself that writing is not fun, not pleasruable, not something that makes me happy, and not what I want to do in my free-time, I stop, I breath until the resistance disipates. Then I sit down and write because I realize and accept that the emotion of resistance to writing is self created from my paricipation within the self-described definition of how I define my time in separation of myself. I realize and accept that to participate in this backchat wherein I give my time postive and negative values is self-deception and I stop and I breath at the very onset of any form of resistance whatsoever to writing, which is a tool that is necessary to bring myself into alignment with what is best for all.

I commit myself to pushing through all forms of resistance to writing and pursuing my process to birth myself as life free of the mind wherein I will live the definition of myself of free time as who I am as life truly free from the mind of limitation and time itself. I recognize that to live free time as myself will take a process of several years minimum of a commitment to breathing through all identified patterns, memories, constructs of my mind and that I really do not have free-time until I am able to birth myself as life from the physical.

I stop. I breathe.

Self Forgivness with Being Bored at Work

This last Thursday, I was really busy at work and I felt overwhelmed and had a lot of resistance within me to getting things done. Although I pushed through, I felt overwhelmed and like I would rather be doing something else throughout the day. Although I did not, I had urges to smoke a cigarette just to break-up the feeling of being overwhelmed and the underlying boredom. I also desired to be a child again because a child does not have to 'work' to survive. In fact, I was trying to figure out all kinds of things to do that would break things up and escape my reality of having to work very hard today, but was not able to do so mainly because I had so much to do I had no choice but to keep my head down and get my work done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thoughts – 'I don't want to work as hard as I need to get what I need to get done done' to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of being 'overwhelmed' to the thought 'I don't want to work as hard as I need to get what I need to get done done' to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created emotional experience of being overwhelmed to trigger the thought 'If only I was a child – then I would not have to work to survive.' I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire/want to be a child again. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire/want to be a child to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought 'I do not want to be here at work today'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought 'I wish I were doing something fun, exciting, and stimulating' to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -through my participation within the thoughts 'I don't want to be here working today and I wish I were doing something more exciting' to become bored. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my self-created emotional experience of boredom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – through my participation within the thoughts 'I don't want to be here working today and I wish I were doing something more exciting' to become restless. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self-created emotional experience of restlessness to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my self-created boredom through my participation within the thoughts 'I don't want to be here working today and that work is slavery and should be fun and entertaining' towards my work in resisting what it is that I need to get done. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to through my participation in the construct of boredom to become restless to the point where I took more breaks than necessary and was not focused completely here when doing my work. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through my participation within the thoughts that I am bored and would rather be doing something else to connect the emotional experience of restlessness.

I forgive myself for a accepting and allowing the image/picture of me smoking a cigarette in which I am standing outside not thinking of anything except the “enjoyment” of the cigarette to relieve the mind-possession of boredom to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this image of me smoking a cigarette outside taking a break and enjoying myself to the thought – that 'I really want a cigarette' I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being stimulated with something exciting' to the picture of me smoking a cigarette outside enjoying myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words enjoyment and stimulation within the picture of me smoking a cigarette outside taking a break enjoying myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require to be smoking a cigarette outside to enjoy myself and feel stimulated. I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from 'stimulation and excitement' through defining these words in separation of myself within a picture of me smoking a cigarette outside enjoying myself taking a break. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words 'stimulation and excitement' through defining these words as doing almost anything but working, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an expectation that work and life should be 'fun' and 'entertaining'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge work as not fun and exciting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my work to always be 'fun' and 'entertaining'. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to hold expectations of work of any kind is of the mind and exists in separation from what is here and what it is in-fact that needs to be done. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to not allow myself to be here in the presence of breath because of my participation in my self-created boredom is self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word 'work' with a negative value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word work as 'negative/bad/slavery within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'work' through judging the work 'work' as 'bad', 'negative', 'a form of slavery'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word work within 'doing things that I would not normally like to do because I have to survive because I have no choice which is slavery'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'work' and from slavery through defining the word 'work' within slavery in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'work' to a picture in my mind of a bunch of worker bees in a labor camp. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'work' and from a labor camp through defining 'work' within a forced labor camp in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a picture of a forced labor camp where everyone is dressed the same and is unhappy – to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture of a forced labor camp to the thought 'that work is slavery and only done under compulsion'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the concept of working by force and being unhappy to the picture in my mind of a forced labor camp where the inhabitants are all the same and do not have their own mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from 'work' through defining work in separation of myself within a picture of a forced labor camp.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined work within memories of me working lots of hours, and making little money in return, with the experience of being bored and stressed-out . I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to memories of me working lots of hours, being stress-out, and making little money in return. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from work through defining work within memories of working lots of hours, being stressed-out, and making little money in return, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that work is here as me, as what needs to be done regardless of how I have defined it within my mind, in every moment of breath.

Further Release from Existing in Separation within being Directed by My Mind

I met with a customer and his contractor a few days ago to go over cabinet doors that he did not like due to either minor nicks and abrasions or minor flaws in the wood product itself. On our previous meeting, for all but $750 of the balance of $3,800 that he owed us, I agreed to replace 16 doors out of a total 33 plus doors that the customer was originally complaining about for four reasons: One: out of fear that we wouldn't be able to manage our cash-flow without receiving the majority of this balance: Two: In the event that this winds-up in court, out of fear of how a judge might see this situation even though I feel that the customer is being unreasonable about the doors: Three: to avoid conflict, and 4: because the warranty rep. for for the manufacturer said that he would replace 12 doors without actually seeing them, just based on my word.

Between the meeting where I negotiated for the 16 doors to be replaced and this meeting earlier today, the warranty rep from the manufacturer dropped by, from out of state, to meet me to inspect the project and the doors. The customer happened to not be there because he couldn't make it. After inspecting not more than about ½ the doors that the customer was complaining about, the rep basically laughed and called this a joke. I can't help but agree with him because of the fact that most of the “problems” are nothing more than imperfections that have to do with natural elements and characteristics of wood veneer that are all well within range of what is reasonable for one to accept, or they are for damages of which it is impossible to determine who caused the damages with the likelihood being that it was not the manufacturer, or shipping, or my installers (without going into further detail as to why this is so). So, by the end of the meeting with the warranty rep, the 12 doors that he was going to replace dropped to about 5 because he could not legitimately replace these doors.

I basically agree with the warranty reps assessment of the situation and agreed the whole time but due to inexperience about where to draw the line between what is legitimate and what is ridiculous to expect replacement doors and fear of going to court and losing (which is a strange fear considering that I really do not believe and did not believe that the customer had a real issue from the beginning) and the other reasons listed above I was coerced to agree to replacing these doors. After the warranty rep confirmed what I had suspected the whole time, however, I began to become resentful towards the customer and his contractor for “pushing me” around. I also wanted to renegotiate based on this information from the warranty rep so that I would only have to replace the doors that legitimately fall withing the definition of what is a replaceable door because why should I have to pay to replace a bunch of doors that are not really my responsibility?

So, before this meeting with the customer and his contractor, today, I created and visualized myself “standing up” and drawing the line and “getting my way” with these two who were in my opinion trying to take advantage of me, for almost the entire day up until the meeting. When we finally meet I started to bring up the fact that the rep would not replace 12 doors as I originally thought and that basically they are asking me to replace doors just because they don't like them and that this is not “fair”. Right off of the bat, the contractor started becoming argumentative about this and kept repeating that “I said that I would replace 16 doors” implying that I have “no integrity”. This pissed me off because I had already had previous encounters with this contractor where he talked down and yell at me, and this time I attempted to “stand my ground” but actually just became reactive. The whole situation broke down to the point where I basically told them to shove their doors up their asses and when the were ready to pay me the balance of $750 first, then I would replace their stupid doors and I walked out on them and told them to call me when they were ready.

When I got in my car to leave, I became fearful about what just went down and called my boss and told him the situation. He was perplexed and a little pissed that I handled the situation that way, but he basically agreed that it was all over bullshit. His main concern was that the customer may now stop-payment on the check for the balance he just payed (in our prior meeting just a couple of days ago) as a form of retaliation and that this may put us in a “war-footing” with the customer and his contractor, of which he really did not want to go there. Within 20 minutes he got a call from the customers and I also received a call from the Interior Designer asking what the fuck is going on. The issue was left unresolved for the rest of the evening, and I from that point forward, I experienced one of my mind-possessions wherein I was possessed with fear and constant thinking, reviewing, of this situation for the rest of that night and the following day (which happened to be Saturday). Funny thing is, that by Monday, the whole situation diffused and things seem to be working-out (again without going into further details here).

I see how my mind directed me before, during, and after this situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to spend time visualizing myself at this meeting beforehand forming a picture in my mind wherein I imagine myself directing my customer and his contractor to bend to my will and see things my way as a way to make myself feel better about myself and attempt to bring peace within myself by creating a fantasy picture within my mind of me standing up for myself and also resolving successfully the situation that I was in and things end the way that I believe they should – to my benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself allow a picture/visual image within my mind of me directing the customer and the contractor to bend to my will and see things my way for the entire day leading up to our meeting - to exist within and as me and to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture/visualization of me directing my customer and my contractor to bend to my will to the thought that 'they are taking advantage of me and I cannot allow this to happen.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this picture/visualization of me directing my customer and his contractor to bend to my will as a way to make myself feel better and in control when in fact this is just a fantasy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I might actually make myself feel better and be at peace through my participating in this picture/visualization in my mind of me directing my customer and his contractor to bend to my will and see things my way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require the experience of this picture/visualization within my mind of me directing my customer and contractor to bend to my will to experience peace within myself from the standpoint that I no longer feel that I am being taken advantage of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me in-fact directing myself through my holding a picture within my mind of me directing my customer and my contractor to bend to my will and see things my way.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the memory of this picture of me directing my customer and his contractor influenced me in the actual meeting that we had wherein I separated myself from the actual meeting because I was conducting myself within the expectation that I had set from my participation within this visualization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of our previous meetings (with the customer and the contractor) wherein the contractor was verbally abusive, manipulative and aggressive to the thought and judgment that 'the contractor is a manipulative asshole.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of me being pushed around and verbally assaulted by the contractor in our previous meetings and to have this memory cause me to be reactive to him in our current meeting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'being able to be taken advantage of' within the memory of this contractor and customer verbally confronting me and manipulating me to have there way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought and judgment that 'the contractor is a manipulative asshole who is trying to take advantage of me.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – 'through my participation within the thought 'the contractor is a manipulative asshole who is trying to take advantage of me' to become angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -'through my participation within the thought 'that the contractor and customer can win in court based on bullshit claims against these cabinets doors' to become fearful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -'through my participation within the thought that 'we need money for cash-flow' to become fearful.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to act within this fear only separates myself from directing myself within the experience as me from the standpoint of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my participation within fear of conflict to compromise myself in putting myself in situations to be taken advantage of and then to blame others, in this case the contractor and the customer, for putting me in this situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought 'that the contractor and customer are being assholes who are trying to take advantage of me' to become easily offended when they suggest that I need to replace all 16 cabinet doors.

I forgive myself for being offended easily when someone says something to me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I will only react towards others as me if I do the exact same application as they do towards others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take others comments towards me personally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'feel inferior' because I experience me as being someone who can be 'taken advantage of'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negatively charge the word 'customer' with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'customer' as 'negative/bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'customer' through judging the word 'customer' as 'negative/bad.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'customer' to someone who is trying to get something for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word customer within and as someone who is ungrateful, trying to get something for nothing, and take advantage of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'customer' through defining the word 'customer' within and as someone who is ungrateful, trying to get something for nothing, and take advantage of me.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'customer' within memories of past customers who have 'taken advantage' of me and been ungrateful for what I have done for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'customer' through defining the word 'customer' within memories of customers who have been ungrateful and have taken advantage of me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear, anger, resentment, to become reactive towards this customer and his contractor at our last meeting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow to within becoming reactive compromise myself in acting out patterns and memories and in that participating in the mind/possession/energetic charge of emotional reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this, tell my customer and his contractor to basically shove their doors up their ass and call me when they ready to pay their balance and then to walk out on them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become mind-possessed for the rest of that evening and the next day with worry and fear about what might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not able to stop my thoughts due to the experience of fear/frustration/anger/resentment/spitefulness that occurred in this last event and others like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-responsibility within giving responsibility of what thoughts I'm thinking to the emotions/reactions/feelings I am experiencing, within this not realizing that I am in fact am responsible for the emotions/reactions/feelings I am experiencing and thus I am responsible for the thoughts coming up in relation to such emotions, memories, reactions, and feelings.

I realize that in actuality to direct myself within any given situation is to not participate within 'feeling the need to validate myself' through resorting to my established thought patterns. In this I direct myself in and as myself standing as self within self direction, meaning to not participate in any thought patterns, reactions, emotions, pictures/visualizations within my mind in an effort to change things or outcomes that are beyond my control and are in fact irrelevant, but to remain here directing what is 'relevant' which is me remaining here in and as the breath in every moment.

Facing the Wall

When faced with having to write about myself on a daily basis I become frozen and unclear as to what to write and how to go about it. I begin to doubt whether the points that I want to write about are even real and then when I actually do begin to write I become even more confused as to how to write about these specific points. This confusion about writing all comes from my accepted and allowed participation in the backchat that goes on while in the process of attempting to write wherein I question every point from every conceivable angle while in the process of writing to the point where I don't know what is going on.

I have become confused as to whether I actually have memories that are controlling me that I need to self-forgive. I realize that I am nothing but a composite of memories and a walking reaction based on these memories but at the same time, I cannot figure out where to begin writing about such.

Also, I judge my writing as unclear and unfocused and in this I believe that I am actually manifesting myself as writing unclear and unfocused.

So when you put it all together, I am forming a wall of resistance to releasing myself from my mind in and as memories, judgments, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This is a defense mechanism that exists in and as me as mind as a barrier to releasing myself from who I am and have become as mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when faced with writing myself to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience blankness when faced with writing myself to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to experience confusion when writing myself to freedom.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that anxiety, blankness, and confusion cannot be real because who I am is here in the physical as breath and therefore in my living participation as here as breath I direct me and therefore this anxiety, blankness, and confusion that I am experiencing is in-fact separate from and of me, and I am accepting and and allowing the anxiety, blankness, and confusion to take over and possess me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed by my self-created blankness, confusion, and anxiety that I have created in separation of me of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the self-created construct of walking into a wall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by a 'walking into the wall experience'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by 'a walking into the wall experience' with just about any point that I attempt to write about in that I begin judging myself and talking myself out-of any given point because of the backchat that I accept and allow myself to participate in wherein I am constantly criticizing, judging, questioning, comparing any given point from every conceivable angle.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that any point of self-criticism, judgment, comparison is self-created of mind and a defense mechanism to keep myself locked-into the mind as the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions, self-definitions, and memories.

Running into the wall when faced with writing about past memories:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all that I exist in and as is nothing but a self-manifested and created and designed self-separation programmed self-enslavement system that I have become and exist as, as the mind of thought, self-definition and memory.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that because I exist as the mind of thought, self-definition, and memory then the entirety of me, which consists of almost endless points to consider, is ripe for applying self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot identify memories to expose myself existing in and as considering the fact that everything that I am is but a memory based on past experiences within how I have defined myself within and as them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-manifested and created and designed self-separation programmed self-enslavement system that I have become and exist as, as the mind of thought, self-definition and memory in and as the physical, through which I exist in this reality that is me.

I forgive myself to connect the emotional experience of fear to my participation in the thought 'that I cannot find memories to identify yet at the same time I realize that I am enslaved to them and in this fear that I am in a prison of my own making and I am the gate keeper – thus fearing myself as both the prisoner and the one creating the prison.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all that exists in this manifested physical reality of me, as me – is manifested memory creations – that all that exists in my world directly – is memories manifested – reflected as the memories I exist as and have become and express through – the manifestation of me as this reality of me, reflecting the manifestation of me as the reality within me as what I am and have become and exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a manifested reaction reacting from memories that have become me as manifested patterns that I exist in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an alogorithm which is a systematic reaction based on memories that I have accepted and self and in this have become so lost within my alogorithm that I will not allow myself to see it for what it is – a pattern based on memories which I have refused to clearly identify.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the existence of me as that of memories – in essence, me being and existing as – only a memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct the excuse and justification of and as fear, to not have to face the reality of me as what I have become as only but a memory – because all that I exist as and of is but memory as all that I am currently now – is a copy , a duplication of memories as that which my parents existed as – duplicated, copied memories is what I am and have become = thus a memory defined of memories as memories.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am nothing more than a living memory repeating the past as my present and in this worrying about the future because of the uncertainty thereof

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the entirety of me is but a memory and therefore my entire being is but memories that I can explore, self-forgive, and release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my backchat to possess me in convincing me that I am not able to realize myself as life here as breath because I haven't allowed myself to see myself existing as a memory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of anxiety to my participation in the thought 'oh shit I cannot “think” of any memories to self forgive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a wall, a barrier to self-forgiveness because of my participation in the self-created construct of a wall, a barrier that I have erected as a defense mechanism to keep me living in and as my mind as memories.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exist here as breath and write of me from the starting point of not accepting and allowing myself to judge, self-define, and confuse my process in and as experiencing myself as mind of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse my existence as a memory existing of memories utilizing self-definition designs and that’s as the system through which I operate from the memories that is the origin source and core of me, with myself here as life as breath in the physical in equality with all as me with no self-definition wherein I limit myself as mind - and to not see the difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to what I am as memories, from the memories existing as self-definition designs from which thoughts are created as a mind system – the consciousness of replayed memories that is the manifestation as me because I am refusing to see the simplicity that this is of the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that all that I am is memory as all of me as what I am now consists of and exists as memories of past experiences that form, shape, and mold how I am and experience myself to be in the now of consciousness – a programmed system of memory existing according to and as how I designed myself of and as memory of past experiences.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I along with all of me as me created this reality this existence in and as its current manifested expression in the image and likeness of me as me as accepted and allowed self-abdication and what is done by me through all as me of me – through abdicating self to the construct of memory – within the deliberate accepted and allowed act of separation and self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I designed the construct of blame to ensure the self-defined existence of me as separation because as long as I blame and continue blaming I don’t have to stand up and take self responsibility for me as what I have become and done unto me as all that exist in existence – this reality that is me – that reflects me as what I exist as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that in blaming the systems as having control over me is only me abdicating self-responsibility in realizing, understanding, and seeing the memories that I exist in and as.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in emotional experiences of anxiety and frustration because of my accepted and allowed participation in the construct of blaming the systems as having too much influence over me in identifying memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the construct of blame so that I do not have to stand up as myself here as all that exist as me and take responsibility and see realize and understand that I am existing in and as memories and that I in this am responsible for this manifested reality as me as a reflection of me as all that exists exists as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and that as I blame 'the systems' I exist in separation.

Release from the fear of exploring words as me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot identify words that I have charged as positive or negative in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, ridicule, question myself and therefore confuse myself when looking at words as whether I have separated myself from them by attaching thoughts, feelings, and emotions to them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the words that I use are all existing in me as memories of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in separation of myself as mind and of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have therefore accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate my process of looking into words as separate manifested constructs by not allowing myself to realize that simple fact that all I am and exist as are words based on memories that I have separated from myself as mind constructs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as separate from my words in order to hide myself from my current manifested reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation from the words I speak because of my refusal to face myself in and as my words by looking at them and how I have defined myself within words and releasing myself from words as constructs based on memories.

Release from the point of comparison:

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare my process with others because of my secret knowledge that I am abdicating my self-responsibility to stand in and as my process of self forgiveness and self-honesty consistently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own refusal to participate effectively and consistently within and as my process of equalizing myself with all existence as me because of my participation in the backchat that I am not 'able' to release myself from my manifested existence as walking, living, memory – and in this I then compare myself to others 'hoping' that they are having as much 'trouble' as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this fear of myself and my ability to actually walk this process to be foundation point for my participation within the construct of comparison to others walking this process wherein I accept and allow myself to experience jealousy, despair, and frustration when I see, perceive, or believe another to be more able to walk than I am.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am only as effective as I accept myself to walk this process.

Releasing myself from feeling uncomfortable with applying self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by experiencing blankness I have separated myself from these points and that by my accepted and allowed separation I have allowed these points to have power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable with applying self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the uncomfortability is in fact resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards applying self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear towards applying self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the fear is in fact me fearing myself in seeing, realizing, and understanding me and who and how I am and that I am in fact afraid of what I might see, realize and understand that is in fact existing within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to face me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fear of facing me is in fact an excuse and justification to not change me because I think and believe that I have some form of control of who I am and what I a live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I in fact have no control over what I am, who I am , and how I live – It is in my mind, as thoughts, memories, self-definitions, reactions that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself and in that I have no control.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through self-forgiveness I will actually become the directive principle of me and that I will no more be enslaved to thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions,all based on memories, but in fact realize the meaning of what it is to in-fact live as the directive principle of myself in and a what is best for all within equality and oneness.

Releasing Myself from Fear and Avoidance of Facing People Who Have the Power to Give and Take Money away from Me.

I have noticed that I fear the prospect of having to face someone I do business with when faced with having to ask of them something that may not be convenient for these people, especially if has to do with money. This fear results in avoidance wherein I do everything that I can to avoid making contact with these individuals. This happened several times throughout my day when I was faced with having to make phone calls to my boss and other business people that I work with, or would like to work with, on a regular basis. These certain individuals could further be defined as anyone who has the power to give or pay me money. If, for instance, I need to make contact and ask something of someone who is not directly able to influence my income, this fear does not exist within and as me.

When I examine myself further, I can see that I have a certain self-imposed expectation of 'perfection' wherein I feel as if these people expect perfection of me since they are paying me or have influence over my income. I feel as if they are thinking that since they are paying me, either directly or indirectly, they 'should not have to deal with any shit whatsoever', and so therefore I do everything in my power to avoid having to lay any additional 'shit' on them. So, for instance, if I realize that I need to contact a certain customer, especially a repeat customer, to inform him/her that I need to redo this or that, or meet him/her again for this or that that perhaps could have been taken care of already, I dread making that call because of the potential aggravation it may cause him/her. Even though whomever it may be may not even give a shit, this drama as to me visualizing and imagining these people being aggravated by me is going on in my head. So, I avoid them at all costs.

I also go so far as to handle shit for these people that I wouldn't normally do and wouldn't normally be considered fair. In otherwords, if a certain individual that has power over me financially, especially one that I service in business, makes a request of me that is beyond what would be considered 'fair', I find it very difficult to draw the line and say 'no.' because I do not want to 'disappoint' this individual and 'jeopordize' my income. So, I bow down and do their bidding, and then later become resentful of them blaming them for taking 'advantage' of me. On this one point however, I do draw the line with my boss , just not regular customers.

When I have the most fear, in this, is when I have to actually contact a certain person I do business with and inform him that he needs to pay more money than originally anticipated. Sometimes, I can make a mistake and not charge enough, or include everything as it should be in the original order, and then I have to ask for more money, and often times the fear that exists within me due to the self-imposed expectation that I should never have to ask for more money because this may upset the customer and cause him/her to take his/her business elsewhere (= I lose $$), I become fearful to the extent that usually I don't ask at all and wind-up paying myself. This also causes a point of stress within me because I then start worrying about if I will have enough money, and also oftentimes become resentful to this individual 'blaming' him or her for being 'stingy' because he/she should have paid more even though I did not ask.

I see how I am existing and conducting myself from a point of fear of those who have power over me with money because of me believing my backchat / internal dialogue that goes on in my head in secret.  The backchat that goes on in my head, which influences me and alters my 'personality' in the presence of these individuals acts both as a defence mechanism to 'protect me' from my fear of loss of money and also the foundation for the fear of loss of money itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that avoiding making contact with people, that have the power of money over me, to deal with issues that need to be addressed will stress them out or make them angry and want to take their business else where and in this I act differently with these people than with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of fear towards anyone who I have defined to have power to give or take away money from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect any type of issue that may come up that may inconvenience anyone I have defined as having the power to give or take away money from me to the thought 'I don't want to call or make contact with this person.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any situation in which I may have to ask for money, or make other demands of someone that I have defined as having the power to give or take away money from me to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought 'I just want to hide and avoid making contact with this individual'.

I forgvie myself for accepting and allowing any occurance in which I may have to 'ask for or charge more money' to an individual that I have defined as having power to give or take away money from me to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought 'I do not want to ask for money because I may cause this individual to dislike me and therefore take his/her money elsewhere which = I lose money = I cannot survive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'I do not want to ask for money because I may cause this indidual to dislke me and therefore take his/her money/business elsewhere to the emotional experience of dispair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conncet the thought 'I do not want to ask for money because I may cause this individual to dislike me and therefore take his/her money/business elsewhere to the emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of being rejected by those who have the power to 'approve' or 'disapprove' of me with their money to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought 'that these people who have power of money over me do not want to be bothered with shit and that I should be perfect in that I should not have to bother them with shit'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define stuff that I need to have done with people that have power over money over me as 'shit'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of fear and avoidance to the thought that what I have to get done is shit and is bothersome to these people who have power of money over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succome to doing the bidding of those who have power of money over me because of the fear that I accept and allow to exist within and as me connected my backchat telling me that I may 'loose' business otherwise if they are disappointed in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear because I realise that I am not able to control how another person feels about me and in this I realise that when I am existing in fear I am not here in the presence of breath in every monent and thereby existing in seperation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that if I stand up for myself and do what I need to do to conduct what I would define as good business that I may upset someone and lose business when in fact I realize that I cannot control someone else's reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being accepted by those who I have defined as having power of money over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fear of money/losing money/losing customers is also a fear of the future and the uncertainty thereof.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that 'fear of the future' only exist within the mind of the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that if I exist in fear of the future I am not here in the presence of breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself become reactive and defensive because of my fear of the future/loss of money which exists in the mind of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am existing in seperation by fearing certain individuals that in this current system have the 'power' to give or take away money from me.

Self Forgivness with work worries

This first part of this is a rant. I had an eventful last few days at work, and all I can do is rant to get this out. What comes out is within and as me, but I do recognize that this rant in and of itself only supports me as a mind-consciousness system. The self-honesty/self forgiveness comes after the rant.

For most of today and the last few days I have been consumed is fear and possessed with thoughts because of my job. I've been getting a lot of shit from multiple customers from saying that I am a 'bald faced liar' to saying that I am 'incompetent', 'a joke!', and '2-faced'. Wow, this is amazing because I know for a fact that I am not out there lying, cheating, and manipulating but this seems to be the impression that people are getting of me anyway. Or, what I really suspect, is that it is more like my customers are the lying, cheating, manipulators that are 'throwing me under the bus' so they can get what they want. Whatever is going on is really crazy as I have not experienced this much animosity at work, ever.

Oh and that's not all, on top of it, I have 3 customers withholding money from us totaling about $9,000 because of various excuses none of which has anything to do with me being a so-called liar, cheat, manipulator, etc. Actually, it is the other way around, as these customers are making all kinds of ridiculous claims about the product I sold them, my service, or whatever. And I say ridiculous because these customers have all received service up to industry standards and really, in actuality, have no reason to be so fucked in the head. Nevertheless, the thought of not having this money owed to us is causing me to become stressed-out and fearful that I will not get paid, or maybe receive partial pay, this coming pay-day. Not to mention, that this shit is also causing me to fear my job security and my ability to do business as a whole.

I simply cannot stop thinking about all these different customers, imagining telling them each individually where to stick it and fuck off in fantasy conversations with each one. This is going on all day long and has been for almost a week now, since this all began. This is so weird, because it is coming from all directions at the same time when normally it doesn’t even happen with one customer if at all.

I also am suffering from a massive fear of loss of money wherein this is making it difficult to stop thinking about all these situations. For instance, after taking a beating from multiple customers over the past few days, I finally went home for the weekend only to become possessed with fear because of the fact that I realized that I did not collect the final payment from this one customer. This particular customer is not demonizing me, but legitimately has a bunch of cabinet doors that are literally falling apart before his eyes. I just sold these to him and would normally be picking up final payment, but instead he now has probably a $1500 claim because the product is defective. This is unusual and probably was a manufacturing error as sometimes a manufacturer gets a bad set of something and that something gets turned into a defective product. It happens; and the manufacturer has stated that they will indeed replace this customer's doors. So, in reality, the customer will have his doors replaced and I will not have to pay a dime for this and the customer should be making his final payment. But because of the fear that existed within me to actually ask for this money because the doors were still not yet technically fixed, I did not ask for the money with authority and accepted and allowed this customer to delay payment because his 'wife has the checkbook', according to him. Actually, I did not ask him in advance of my seeing him for final payment because of the doors issue and because of this he was easily able to say that he did not have a check-book on him, as was probably the case.

Anyway, I went home for the day and the weekend and before the evening was over I was totally stressed-out with fear because of this. The fear that arouse was because I did not collect this money on top of the fact that we have $7,500 on top of this outstanding from the other customers who still owe and in this I was fearful that my boss would reach his limit and get really pissed or suspend my pay til we collected.

I was also worrying about another customer and how he is not paying us for services rendered and how I could have managed that issue better. This customer complained that I was 'incompetent' to my boss. I was completely offended and felt like telling this customer to fuck-off because the fact of the matter is that I was at arm's length for this entire transaction as by design and for him to say I was 'incompetent' is a flat out lie in an effort to make an excuse to not have to pay the full balance. So, in this, I was and am pissed off at this customer, fearful of not receiving payment, and worried that this may reflect bad on me somehow even though my boss sees through this one. So, regardless of whether my boss sees through this one, I have still been mind-possessed worried about this.

Then I went into imagining myself telling another customer to go fuck-himself because he literally tried to get me fired. He gave such a bad report of me that I cannot believe that I was not even reprimanded for this. Actually, I can believe this as I have a good relationship with my boss. Nevertheless, I still experience outrage and frustration and fear in this situation and with this customer and all this puts me into a mind possession where I think repeatedly about this whole situation.

I even have more going on than this. This is totally unbelievable to me. It's like Satan’s unleashed all of his dark forces on me all at once with great fury. I have never been in the shit-hole with so many people at the same time. And in this, I am experiencing the emotions of fear, fear of loss of money, fear of loss of my job, anger at customer, resentfulness, spitefulness, and frustration.

I also understand how I am self-creating these situations from a standpoint of doing business with a starting point of fear of loss of money, or business. In this fear I am making decisions that expose me to be taken advantage of and this I will write about in a different blog.

I also realize that I have self-created the entire experience of emotions in relation to these events and because of my participation within the thoughts that I have described above.

So, to break it down:

Emotions:

• Resentment – I am experiencing this emotion toward these customers because of my participation within the thoughts that 'I am in-fact operating from a position of taking them and their concerns into consideration first, yet and these customers are accusing me of doing just the opposite and even worse, they are taking advantage of me.'
• Fear – I am experiencing fear of loss of money and my job because of my participation within the thoughts that both of these events could in-fact happen.
• Frustration – I am experiencing frustration because of the thoughts that I am trying to do everything to make these people happy yet they are vilifying me.'
• Spitefulness – I am experiencing spitefulness because of my participation within the thought that I want some sort of revenge on these customers for the way that they are treating me.
• Anger – I am experiencing anger because of my participation within the the thought that these customers are all a bunch of assholes that are trying to fuck me over.
• Anger at myself – I am experiencing anger at myself because of my participation within the thoughts that I have been operating from a starting point of fear-of-loss with my business dealings and can see that I have put myself in positions to be taken advantage of as a result.
• Fear of self – I am experiencing fear of self because of my participation within the thoughts that I may not be able to control myself or change myself effectively to become someone who avoids these situations in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of frustration to the thought that 'my customer's are making rediculous claims'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that my customers are making rediculous claims.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'that I am doing my best to take care of these customers who are ungrateful, manipulative, money grubbing fuckers' to the feeling of resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that 'I am doing my best to take care of customers who I have labelled in seperation of myself as ungrateful, manipulative, money grubbing fuckers'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'that I am doing my best to take care of these customers who are ungrateful, manipulative money grubbing fuckers that are lying and making up bullshit about me' to the feeling of spitefulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of spitefulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear and fear of loss to the thought 'I may lose my job because of these customers saying bad things about me'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'I may lose my job because I may not get paid on these jobs' to the emotion of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that 'I may lose my job because I may not get paid on these jobs'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear of loss because I realise that I am not able to practically change this outcome either way through my participation in this emotion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of losing my job or money because I realize that there is no benefit or practical solution that will come about from my participation in this fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of spitefulness because I realize that I am separating myself from existence as me by creating and manifesting something to spite outside of self and separate from self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of resentfulness because I realize that I am in this hiding from myself by projecting onto others what I don't want to see in myself and thereby I am keeping myself locked into separation as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at some of these customers because of my participation in the thought 'that these customers are ungrateful, manipulative fuckers.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the thought of labeling someone as an ungrateful fucker because I realize that what I see in others I see in myself and that by resisting, defining, judging, and blaming others I am separating myself from my existence as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of frustration to the thought that 'I can not make these customers happy no matter what because they are all ungrateful fucks'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of frustration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought that 'I can not make these customer's happy no matter what becvause they are all ungrateful fucks.'

In all of this, I have been completely mind-possessed for the past few days in that I cannot out of fear, frustration, anger, resentment, and spitefulness stop thinking about all these customers and their individual experiences. Mostly it is fear of loss of either money or my job that drives me to think of these customers compulsively. This compulsive thinking is a defense mechanism wherein I am attempting to protect myself from loss as if I stop thinking then I will in-fact experience loss. I realize that compulsive thinking will not in fact keep me from experiencing adverse circumstances whatsoever, yet I have not allowed myself to stop thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compulsively think about my situation at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear of loss to the thought that 'if I do not stop thinking about my situation then I may experience loss'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotion of fear of loss to the thought that I am too scared to stop thinking and that something bad might happen if I in fact stop thinking about it.

I forgive myself accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of fearing to stop thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become fearful because of my participation in the thought that I may not get paid because of all this money that is owed us from our customers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fantasize about conversations and interactions that I could have with my various customers that would prove me right and them wrong thereby connecting this to manifesting the feeling of superiority as a counterbalance to the emotion of inferiority in that I feel inferior because of my participation in the thought that I am not able to handle myself properly in the business world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior or inferior based on how I perceive myself to handle myself in the business world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in compulsive thoughts due to my fear that I may in-fact lose money or my job.

From this point forward, I will breath through all thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have identified here stabilizing myself in and as breath by not participating in my mind.

Realizing I am co-creator of existence and existense is me

All that exists is me. I am:

the sun, the earth, the planets, the stars
the animals, the bugs, the, plants, the microbes

Oh but it doesn't stop there. I am:

the abuser
the abused
the rapist, the murderer, the child molester, the war monger, the one taking food from the starving
the one being raped, the child molested, the one bombed, the starved to death

These are all me. I am one and equal with all these points as me and more. Anything and everything in this existence is me and exists within me as I am responsible for everything that exists as me.

When I participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions of any kind, I participate in the same systems that all other beings participate in that manifest this current world system as it is in its totality.

For instance, if I run a backchat (internal dialog) that whereby the little voice in my head is telling me that I need to have sex with this woman or that woman, and I wind up masterbating as a result – an action derived from the thoughts that I have accepted and allowed that drove me to masterbate, I am no different than the rapist who runs his backchat whereby his little voice in his head drives him to physically abuse another. I am operating from the same system – the sex system. Where I am doing the exact same thing as the rapist, the childmolester, the homosexual, whatever – I am participating in internal dialog (backchat), visualizations, all based on memories, judgements, opinions where this participation builds and increases in energy to a point where it must be released somehow and my release is to masturbate or have sex with a woman, and the others just mentioned release in ways just mentioned. So, I have a different manifestated outcome but I am doing the same thing. The rapist is therefore showing me what I have accepted and allowed to exist within me.

When I accept and allow myself to become angry at another being and I wind-up suppressing it, I am no different than the murderer who accepts and allows his internal backchat (dialog) to drive him to kill. I am still participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions related to anger and I suppress or perhaps exhibit an angry outburst, while the murderer kills – both of us are participating in the same system. So, the murderer is showing me what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

When I go to war with someone with the voice in my head whereby I am imagining proving my superiourityover him or her – in proving I am right or proving my point – I participate in the same systems that cause whole countries to go to war, and therefore I manifest war. So, war is showing me what I accept and allow within myself.

We like to hide in judgements of good and bad towards others, labeling those who symbolize to us what we want to see as “good” and others who cause us to fear as “bad”. We like to label people as “evil doers” as if we ourselves are not doing the same thing. We like to form groups of good guys where we fight the bad guys. All we are really doing is resisting ourselves as there are no real bad and good guys out there. All that exists “out there” is a reflection of who and what each and everyone of us has accepted and allowed ourselves to become. And what we have become is beings who live in self-interest and spite, and this current manifested total fuck-up of a reality is the living proof of this as it is the manifested consequence of self-interest and spite. The term “Good guys” is just a label that was given to us to keep us deluded to not see this for what it is.

So many like to just look at the positive side as some sort of excuse or cover-up justifying the fucked-ness that this reality has become. One excuses the massive suffering and the destruction of our home, the earth, just because of some good deeds that a few do or because the birds still sing pretty songs in the morning. Some like to go to church and pray to a god to get that feeling that they are doing the “right” thing while others support political parties. All of this is just covering-up and hiding from ourselves.

We must face ourselves for what we have all accepted and allowed in this reality as ourselves, realizing that we are all responsible for everything that exists in its totality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from this existence in positivity or in good vs. bad or in god
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others, not realizing that I am doing the same thing and that instead of judging others I see in others what I have become and I stop.

I stand as all of existance as me, one and equal, directing myself and my reality to a point of what is best for all through stopping the mind and remaining here. I am no longer accepting myself as an ego personality construct of mind derived from downloaded information from the unconscious and subconsious mind mixed with a dash of memories, opinions, and judgements that I have formed over the years to custom tailor my limited expression of me as mind. I am all of existence, undefined; and from that starting point I direct this world to what is best for all