Day 38 – A Rant on Boredom

Doing what is practical and necessary for my survival and also writing myself out in self-honesty and other tasks that are done of necessity, like painting my closet because I recently rebuilt because I needed more storage space, are all things that I have defined as boring.  Now they are not overwhelmingly boring and I do at times enjoy all of these things.  However, these activities do not have a lot of stimulation associated with them and therefore I go into resistance towards them.

 

What I seek to do for entertainment, when I look at it, are things of self-interest, like, smoking pot, masturbating, hanging out with people, talking, listening to the radio, playing games like chess, having a beer, playing the piano, reading about current events, and just about anything that I can distract myself with.  In fact, maybe it is more of the distraction that I seek than the stimulation.  I really think that it is distraction that I seek something to distract me from my current state of sameness – the same activity, or an activity of necessity that is no longer satisfying or exciting. 

 

So, like for instance, I complete a task that is required of me to do for my survival, or for some reason of necessity, and then as soon as that task is over, I then become bored and seek something to do that is fun and exciting.   Once I get back into something that is required of me to do, I am ok for that time.  Then when the task is complete, I revert back to boredom – where I feel restless and unhappy with the options that are available for me to do within the context of what is best for all, such as writing myself out in self-honesty, or any other task that is required of me to do.

 

So, I am in this constant cycle of being bored as soon as a task is completed and within that I go into a cycle of thoughts and considerations of what I can do that would be exciting and fun and stimulating.  And then, I realize that these are all activities of self-interest and that most of them I don’t do anymore or hardly participate in. 

 

Such as masturbating.  I used to masturbate to porn as a release point because I was bored amongst other reasons.  Now, I might go masturbate without porn, but this masturbation is usually not a point of self-expression with my body, but rather it is a point of ‘I am bored’, I need to go masturbate because masturbating feels good and is exciting’. 

 

Beer and Pot:  My brother-in-law smokes pot.  I haven’t smoke pot for a while.  Recently I smoked pot because I was bored and tired of doing the same thing over and over and over again.  It is that simple.  Well, also, I have fond memories of pot and I actually fear not being able to experience these memories again – but even then when I smoked pot regularly, it had a lot to do with boredom.  As far as beer is concerned, I have been into a little bit of drinking designer beers.  One per day, maybe – not much.  I definitely do not get drunk.  However, the point of falling for the beer is boredom. 

 

So, I have been defining myself as bored.  I have been defining my life as boring unless I am doing something exciting.  I remember when I was a kid; it was similar except I could be doing something exciting quite a bit rather than the way it is now where I am hardly ever doing something that I would define as exciting.  When I was a kid, I would play for hours with my friends.  We would play all kinds of games of all sorts, physical and mental – it was all a lot of fun.  When I became an older kid, and a young adult, the excitement level was similar so long as I was partying and getting drunk and stoned and meeting people and so forth, I was happy.  I think it was the adventure, or is the adventure that I miss, now that I think of it.

 

Crazy as it sounds, I believe myself to be attempting to fill my life with a sense of adventure by still participating, slightly, in a lot of these things mentioned above, like masturbating (because I am bored and usually still to images in my head to a certain extent), smoking pot (very seldom, but still on occasion because I convince myself that I am missing out), drinking designer beers, and a host of other activities, even eating too much, just anything to make life interesting and exciting. 

 

Why can’t I just breathe and be here?  Why do I have to do something in order to be complete, or excited, or fulfilled?  It’s really crazy because I will look for things to do and actually think of all kinds of ideas and decide against them because I am really not interested in them anyway – I was just trying to find something exciting to do.

 

So, here I am writing, and it is interesting because I am just writing and breathing through all the impulses that I have to do something else and I am not judging my writing so much – just letting it come out.  Why have I charged writing as negative and boring?  Why have I accepted and allowed myself to resist writing or define writing as not fun or as something that is diminishing my life experience?  What is it that is really any more exciting that is not also of self-interest?

 

Maybe it isn’t even that.  Maybe it is the memories of my childhood where everything was fresh and new and exciting just because I was a young one who was learning about the world and didn’t have to work to survive and just lived and expressed and had fun.  Now, I know that it wasn’t all good times as a child and I most certainly got ‘bored’ then too, but my memories of experiencing new things and playing and having fun, so much fun, have kind of set the tone for my expectations of what life should be like now.

 

Or maybe it is also TV.  Maybe too much movies and TV as child has brainwashed me into thinking that life needs to be always ‘happening’ to be enjoyed. 

 

I will get on Facebook, just to see if I got a reaction from someone from a post.  I will surf the net for news stories that are ‘interesting’.  I will buy a beer that I have never heard of before just to have something exciting and new.  I will stop what I am doing and go masturbate just for that awesome experience.  I will eat too much food.  I will do many things to feel like I am doing something new and exciting and fun and therefore fulfilling.  I will also, break away from something that I need to do before it is finished just to do these things.

 

From the ‘What is Boredom’ video and I quote “Boredom is an energetic entirety created through reactions that one had accumulated throughout a period of time towards points, people, experiences and events within ones reality that one had suppressed and that all together started accumulated and manifesting into this energy entity that can only contain so much of an energetic charge in relation to its total mind consciousness system structural design.  So as one starts accumulating energies and if it is of a particular natured energy that one has accumulated within oneself it actually layers and it can only layer up to a point and what happens is especially if it's a similar energy signature that energy signature will then merge and expand throughout the human physical body and the mind consciousness system to look for a release point because it’s not getting a release point and then it possess so that one through one’s mind consciousness system in a reality live out that energy within oneself where that living out one live out boredom and one continue within that process and experience and application of boredom where the mind consciousness system will then reconstitute itself align itself accordingly and it will change itself to changing you to becoming the living manifestation of boredom and all you do is regenerate and recharge reprogram the same time-loop the same point over and over again – the mind consciousness system is very happy and then it’s getting all of its energy from you allowing that one point of boredom and the MCS is on a holiday because it's just one point, just boredom and all it has to do is keep you in that state and you are just channeling and just regenerating that boredom over and over again…”

 

This gets really interesting because what I see going on here is that I am accepting and allowing myself to be mind-possessed by boredom which is actually generating and manifested within and as my experience from my suppressing my reactions to events, people, points in my reality which is accumulating into this energy entity/mind possession that is released as the mind possession of boredom.  And then within that, I start searching for things to dot that would be ‘exciting’, even inventing things to do that would be exciting – in other words, I would not normally be so inclined to masturbate, or smoke weed, or have a designer beer, it is just that I am already bored so then therefore I am thinking of things to do that will alleviate this boredom and then these topics come up, among other things.  So, by participating in these ‘exciting ‘activities I am not addressing the source issue – reacting to events, points, people, and then suppressing those reactions.  Because to be quite frank, all these ‘exciting activities’ that I just listed and others are not what is driving me.  It is the boredom and the need to not be bored that is driving me to do these things.

Day 37 – Falling for Boredom

Throughout my day, when things slow down, I fall into a state of boredom as if I am looking for a source of energy to bring stimulation as if I cannot just be here as if being here is not enough.

 

For instance, while working so long as I am busy, I do not have this experience (usually), and then as soon as I sense that work is wrapping-up I begin to feel bored.  The I begin to consider things that I could do that could ‘stimulate’ me because I just can’t be here. 

 

It’s like I fear being here, just being here and therefore I seek to do something or participate in something to distract me or to bring stimulation to me. 

 

A lot of times,  I give-in at the last minute and participate in energy/mind fulfilling distractions because I just cannot bear it any longer just being here or just with the thought that I have nothing to do that is exciting. 

 

So, I then even begin going through all kinds of potential activities that can be exciting or stimulating that can pull me out of my boring just simply existing state.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I cannot simply just exist here with nothing to do’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I will be bored if I cannot find something to do that is exciting and fun’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain activities as exciting.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain activities as fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out only activities that I have defined as fun and exciting because I fear being bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I am bored’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that boredom exists within and as the mind and is not of life.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am only ‘bored’ if I participate in the self-created belief that I am bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed participate in the thought that I have to be ‘stimulated’ with something that I have defined as exciting in order to not be bored instead of realizing that boredom only exists within and as my experience because I participate in thoughts that I am bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear to the thought that ‘I am bored’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bored and to believe that I feel bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of boredom instead of remaining here and just breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘if I do not do something exciting or something that I like to do’, then I will be bored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything to do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just simply being here doing what is practically needed and required in my daily routine.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my daily routine as boring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind construct of boredom.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand and breathe and be here in every moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that believing that I am bored just being here is the negative polarity condition of desiring something outside of myself and therefore is an act of separation, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things outside of myself to fulfill my boredom.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that believing that I am bored shows me that I am not whole and complete within and as myself and is an act of separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am all that exists and that I need nothing outside of myself to be complete because I already am complete.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am missing out on something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be seeking energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energetic experience of boredom

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling of boredom.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be seeking energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that energy always runs out and then one is left with nothing but the feeling of boredom to drive one to then seek more energy for the next high.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get high on stimulation of any sort because I have participated in the emotional experience of boredom.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend time actually trying to think of something cool to do because I am participating in thought that I am bored and need something cool to do.

Day 36 – Reptilians Day 150 “Its Time to Change” Vlog review

I was listening to ‘Reptilians Day 150 ‘It’s Time to Change’ Vlog and I was thinking ‘OMG, Anu really is God!  He knows my exact thoughts – HOLY SHIT’ (LOL).  No seriously, the resistance to change that Anu outlined is very similar to what goes on in my head, so I thought I would wright about this.

 

So, a couple of weeks ago I got super busy at work.  I was working until 10 pm at night and then I used this as an excuse to go into the energetic mind possession of ‘I am too worn-out to write’, and ‘I am too tired to write’ and ‘I need a break’. 

 

I thought that I would get back on track as soon as work went back to normal.  But noooo.   This is not what happened.  Instead I continued on in this mind-possession character of resistance to writing and application for almost 2 weeks. 

 

The ‘It’s Time to Change’ video brought up a lot of cool points though.  Points that I have been aware of for quite some time now, and that why it is even more crucial here.   It shows that I have been putting off daily application for years now, even, with full knowledge of what I am doing, yet doing it anyway- because why? 

 

Because I accept and allow myself to participate in the thoughts, feelings, emotions that are associated with my own self-created resistance to writing.  I do this because it feels good to resist writing and my daily application.  I do this because it is easier than simply applying myself and changing.  I do this because I have told myself that it is too hard to change, and that I don’t have to change.  I resist writing because I am too tired, too worn-out, too bored and I need energy and stimulation – the energy and stimulation that goes with my participation in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are associated with the simple resistance too writing and also the other activities that I choose to do instead of writing and my daily application.

And this goes beyond just writing, it goes into not standing and changing in those critical moments when I should and need to stand and act as all as one as equal and breathe.

In those moments, more times than not, I give in to my self-created resistances, and then as a result I time-loop over and over again never really in-fact changing.

 

Someone pointed out, in a previous analogy that I wrote about where I mentioned that stopping the mind is like a leaking boat where as soon as one hole is plugged, another springs up – she pointed out that the problem is not the holes that spring up, it is the fact that one does not simply move to the next hole and plug it up too.  So, all these excuses, reasons, rationales, too never really in-fact change, too avoid writing and applying myself in those critical moments to in-fact change and breathe and be here – they are those holes that keep springing up, and those are the holes that I need to keep plugging – not judging the holes and getting angry and frustrated at them and giving into them, but just simply breathing and moving to the next one and plugging it through writing, self-forgiveness, corrective application and breathing – breathing in every moment and never again accepting and allowing resistance to these holes to act as a reason to let the water back in and the boat sink.

 

Thus I commit myself stopping my participation in all thoughts, feelings, emotions, and resistances to writing and to all points that I have thus identified that require corrective application , and to breathe through them and stop myself immediately and then move and direct myself to the course of action that is best for all at all times.

Day 35 – Stopping the Mind is Not the same as Meditation

This post goes out to all those who may read my blogs or other Destonian stuff where we talk about ‘stopping the mind.’  There are those who may wonder what this means exactly, and may even confuse it with meditation, as I have in the past.

 

Stopping the mind is not to be confused with meditation.  Meditation is more like parking the mind to gain certain benefits, but not stopping it.  While meditating, one ‘stills’ the mind as much as possible and within that ‘stillness’ one can derive a sense of power, of peace, or blissfulness, or serenity, and even insight.  There is also a positive connotation that most associate with meditation where most believe meditation to be a ‘good thing’ or ‘spiritual’. 

 

When one meditates, however; one does not actually free or releases oneself systematically from the constructs of the mind, which is the result of ‘stopping the mind’.  In fact, meditation can even work to enslave a being further into the mind through feeding the ego of that being wherein the being sees him as ‘enlightened’ and therefore separated from all other beings within the point of superiority; and also meditation can act as a drug providing an energetic experience of euphoria. 

 

The act of stopping the mind as practiced by Destonians is a process of ‘release’ from the mind by stopping the mind through identifying the entirety of what “one” is actually existing as, as the mind.  After identifying the various mind-constructs one then moves to ‘release’ oneself from these through self-forgiveness, and then follows through with this ‘release’ with corrective application and breathing until the particular point being released no longer exists within and as that beings experience. 

 

Furthermore, as opposed to meditation, the act of stopping one’s mind is beneficial equal and one with that particular being and all of existence as that being.  In other words, the act of stopping the mind is not a form of ‘enlightenment’ or ‘attainment’ that provides benefits for the self-interest of just that being and therefore keeps the greater reality exactly the same, but is the starting point to bring about a world that is best for all as well as best for that particular being.

 

This is so, because the act of existing within and as the mind actually has an effect on all of existence, and thus is in-fact creating this very existence that we all experience today.  The existence that we all experience today is one of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘positive’ and negative’, ‘pain’ and ‘pleasure’ of which neither side can exist without each other and are all polarity constructs of the mind, and as a result millions suffer unnecessarily.  In fact, if we all were able to stop our mind, then none would suffer – ever.  This is because polarity would cease to exist as it cannot exist without the mind.  Would this have an effect on the current laws of physics?  That remains to be seen.

 

Another point to consider is that one who is walking a process of stopping the mind has already come to the realization that one is NOT the mind as opposed to one who practices meditation who does not make this realization.  One who practices meditation is seeking to ‘control’ one’s mind or ‘tame’ one’s mind or ‘tap into the potential energy’ or one’s mind, but rarely makes the realization that one is not the mind and even if so, does not make the realization as to the extent of what one is existing as within and as the mind.

 

The mind is, in fact, all of ones thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  The mind is also, all of ones judgments, fears, personalities, characters, and memories and so on. 

 

The mind is also all of ones pre-programmed reactions to any and all events and things.  A ‘pre-programmed’ reaction or response is any action that one takes without being present within and as the breath in every moment. 

 

For example, fear of spiders, is not real.  It is a self-created experience, of the mind.  If one reacts by ‘jumping back in fear’ at the sight of a spider and then yells ‘damn spider!’  That is a pre-programmed reaction based on a self-created mind-based experience to a spider.  Someone who is stopping the mind will write out the construct of ‘fear of spiders’ and then follow through with self-forgiveness and then corrective application and breathing to ensure that one walks out of this mind construct and in effect stops the mind in its fear reaction to spiders.  One who is walking the process of stopping the mind eventually has NO reaction to spiders, in this case.  This being has really changed, unlike one who meditates. 

 

Then one who is stopping the mind moves on to the next point until finally after several years, one is ‘free’ from the mind and living here as a truly free being – free of all thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, judgments, personalities, characters and so on and living here as a living, breathing, being in full directive control of one’s being always constant, stable and the same, unchanged in every moment, and therefore able to act, always, in ways that is best for all.

 

What is best for all is the final result of stopping the mind.  Meditation can never accomplish this.

Day 34 – The Art of Stopping Your Mind

Well, once again I reached a burn-out stage.  I was writing quite a bit and then got extremely busy with work and bango – burn out.  I could not bring myself to the pen and paper again.  I just needed to escape all ‘responsibility’ and ‘relax’ a bit and in addition, I just could not articulate what was going on inside me.

 

So, this is what it is to stop my mind.  This is the real test:  Can I really stop my mind?  Can I find the self-discipline to stop participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions, personalities, characters, definitions, judgments, automated response patterns, and so on that we all live within and as in each and every moment?

 

In fact, this challenge goes out to all the new agers, all the religious, all the ‘skeptics’, all the positive thinkers out there that are smug in their various view points and positions all of whom believe to be doing what is ‘right’, all of whom believe to be pursuing the path to righteousness – can you stop your mind?  Can you see that you are not your mind?  Can you see that all is vanity except that one point of stopping your mind?

 

You see, we can repeat words, read scientific literature, play with ideas, pray to a god, go to gatherings, praise the lord, sing songs, hang crucifixes on walls, profess Jesus, profess, God, Allah, Mohammad, Buddha, think positive - we can do all of these things, but the real test is – can we stop our minds?  Can we exist without our minds?

 

I have explored a lot of various ways of thinking, various religions, various concepts, positive thinking, science, eating right, praying, and I have found that although there may be certain specific benefits to all these things, none of it assists me in taking responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  It is just window dressing.

 

I mean, let me put it this way – I, as a Destonian walking a process to stop my mind, can easily do any request or requirement of any religion, political party, spirituality, or atheist.  Whatever is required of these, I can do.  If I am required to go to church, I can do it.  If I am required to get baptized, I can do it.  If I am required to think positive, I can do it (with practice, lol).  If I am required to be nice to my neighbor, I can do it.  If I am required to speak in tongues, I can fake it (lol).  But, can you stop your mind?  Can a religious person stop his mind?  Can someone who believes in Jesus stop his mind?  Can someone who believes in Darwin stop his mind?  The answer to this is that the only way that one can stop his mind is to put these silly religions and ideas away and start walking ones process. 

 

So, the point is that I can do what any of my religious, atheist, spiritual, Darwinian etc. contenders can do, but none can do what I am in the process of doing unless the lay down their bullshit and start walking the process of stopping the mind.  Isn’t this what Jesus said?  “But first you must give up everything you have and follow me.”

 

So, I am proving to myself how difficult it is to stop my mind.  I don’t want to give up all I have.  I don’t want to give up all my personalities, all my judgments, all my emotions, all my thoughts, all my feelings, all my pleasures and likes so that I can live here one and equal with all as me as life.  I think I want to, but I prove this to not be the case every time that I accept and allow myself to be seduced by my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  And besides, stopping my mind is way too hard! 

 

So I too understand how ‘tempting’ it can be to go the easy route and become religious or whatever doctrine the mind has to offer.   Maybe that is why Jesus said “it is easier to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven”.

 

And as an aside, just because I quote Jesus, does not make me religious.  I just happen to know the bible, from a previous time.  But, I am able to use words of wisdom from whoever speaks them when appropriate.

 

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses as to why I cannot commit myself to writing every day which is an essential tool to stopping my mind and birthing myself as life.

 

And thus, I commit myself to stopping my thoughts and my resistances, and even writing about them if necessary, to writing.  And thus I commit myself to writing myself out for a minimum of seven years until I am clear and here as life, as the breath of life.

 

Another realization that I have just had in regards to stopping the mind is that stopping the mind is like trying to plug a leaking ship where as soon as one whole gets plugged another bursts open.  I can write about a certain topic and address all the points, and if I am not careful, I (as my mind) will open up a back door that lets the same point back in.  This is self-sabotage as it actually strengthens the mind as it finds ways to ensure its survival no matter what.  So, this must stop too.

Day 33 – Some Self-Forgiveness on being frustrated with My Mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of ‘frustration’ when my mothered called to ask for my driver’s license information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as being ‘over-bearing’ because of past experiences where I perceived her to be so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against my mother because of past experiences where I felt ‘smothered’ and ‘controlled’ by my mother, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother in frustration because of this grudge that I have held against her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as doing things that are ‘superfluous’ and to within that judge her actions as ‘silly’ at times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that it is ok to act out in frustration towards my mother when she acts in ways that I have judged to be ‘superfluous’ and even ‘silly’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of frustration to the thought that ‘my mother is acting silly and therefore is bothering me and therefore I have to act in a way that she knows this and gets the point.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mother’s actions and behaviors as justifications for me to go into the emotion of frustration towards her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being controlled by my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the thought of being controlled by my mother; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of myself when in the presence of my mother whom I perceive as over-bearing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother as over-bearing, and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I judge her as overbearing because of past experiences where I experienced myself as ‘under her control’ wherein I desire not to be in that situation again and then act-out in frustration as a way to keep myself ‘in control’ when dealing with my mother.

Day 32 - Anger at My Mother

The other day while I was at work my mother called and wanted my driver’s license information so that she can update it on her banking account.  She was doing this because just in case of her death, all her money would be easily transferred to me.   Even though she was doing this for my benefit and I realized this when she called I became slightly angry and frustrated with her for ‘bothering’ me with this for a few reasons:

1.     I was at work and very busy,

2.     I felt that I did not have the time to deal with this trivial matter,

3.     I felt imposed-upon in regards to my time because I was not expecting her call,

4.     Even though, in the moment that she called, I realized that she was looking out for me and that her call was of a practical and reasonable manner, I still felt that she was doing something that was not necessary and superfluous because of my past experiences with her.

So, her calling me, while I was busy and not expecting her call, to ask me to give her my driver’s license information has a trigger point for me to pull-up memories of her asking me to do things that I did not agree with in the past, which were also a trigger point for me to go into an emotional reaction of anger and frustration towards my mother.

I tried to keep a lid on it, so I wasn’t ‘too bad’; yet I still accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by these emotions, thoughts, feelings and memories instead of breathing and being here and walking this experience with my mother from the starting point of oneness and equality, and in practicality.  I see, realize, and understand that even if she were being too pushy or impractical, as I have judged her to be in the past, then all that is required to be done is to express this point to her without participating in emotions and feelings and anger and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mother’s random phone call to me while I was ‘busy’ at work to act as a trigger point for me to go into the emotional reaction of frustration because of memories of her bothering me for matters that I judged to be superfluous, in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my mother ‘bothering me’ for things that I have judged to be ‘superfluous’ in the past and to charge these memories as negative in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of anger and frustration towards my mother when and as she acts in a way that is similar to events in the past where I have judged her to be superfluous and over-bearing and forceful.  And within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed to myself to see, realize, and understand that by reacting to my mother in anger and frustration because of memories and opinions of her that I hold onto and have charged as negative and ‘bad’ that my relationship with my mother is of the past, and not here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with my mother in relation to memories of past instead of being here in the breath in every moment not reacting, as a clean-slate with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mother calling me to ask me to do something, anything at all, to be a ‘trigger point’ for me to go into memories of her asking me to do things in the past where I felt that she was being overbearing, unreasonable, and superfluous – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed those memories to act as a trigger point for me to go into the emotional reaction of frustration and anger instead of breathing and being here and acting towards her in the moment as a clean-slate not of memories and reactions but from the starting point of oneness and equality with her as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not react in anger and frustration towards her that I may be ‘trapped’ yet again by her overbearing, unreasonable, requests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional construct of ‘fear’ to the possibility of being trapped by my mother if I do not react to her in anger/frustration defense; and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my reaction towards my mother is form of defensiveness where I am defending who I am in separation of her because of past experiences where I have felt ‘smothered’ as to who I am individually apart from her and also forced upon by her with her opinions, etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automatic defense mode in regards to my mother whenever she behaves in certain predefined ways because of memories that I have held onto of her, and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I participate in this, the relationship that I have with my mother is of the past.
More to come on this….