Day 48 – Day 1 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Worry

I don't worry like I used to worry. I used to worry all the time. I used to worry about what others think of me. I worried about what might happen to me. I used to worry so much that I could not pay attention to what is going on around me. I would completely tune out. I would worry almost all the time. I actually had problems with friendships and girlfriends because I would worry so much that I wouldn't be able to listen enough and people would get angry at me or think I was scatter-brained. 

I have gotten much better now in my later years. I can now usually breathe and stop my mind to a certain degree when worry strikes, as I am more self aware now. However, for the last couple of days I have been possessed with worry about a particular customer at work who is, in my estimation, out to commit maximum damage to my place of business due to her disgruntledness at how her job we did for her went down. This is a public blog, so I will spare the details, but the bottom line is I believe based on her words that she is out to due as much harm as possible.

So, as a result, I have been mind-possessed with a myriad of 'what if' scenarios, as pertains to 'what I might have said right or wrong' or 'what she can do legally to us' or 'how others might view this situation from the outside looking in' and 'what will be the ultimate outcome – will I loose money in the long run?' And all these 'what ifs' play out in my head/mind over and over again as if I am trying to control physical reality with my mind and as if I am trying to analyze the situation enough to where I see a 'beam of light' where a positive outcome is guaranteed because of some detail that I thought, etc, etc.

So, what is this incessant worry revealing to me about this situation? Where did I not prepare? Why am I so insecure about this situation especially considering that I did everything that I could to make this customer happy? 

Looking back on this situation, although this customer has not expressed this and is complaining about other things that actually are measurably ridiculous, I believe that my point of 'not being prepared', for the most part, has to do with the start of all my problems with this customer when a certain item I ordered for her that turned out to be the wrong size that is needed for this job.

This item was 3” too wide and had to be reordered and happened to cost (wholesale price) close to $800 for the reordered piece and the shipping, tax, and labor to get the issue resolved. This is a lot of money for me and I panicked – my first point of not being prepared enough. I was also resentful inside towards this customer because this erroneously ordered item also happened to be part of a few pieces that were ordered AGAINST my advice to her of which I allowed her to convince me to order anyway – she did not convince me to order the size of the piece, but the design which I did not want to do because it was very unusual. The design required a special size piece, and I missed it. So, I was a little pissed at her for that. 

Then I asked her to pay half of the cost because I thought it was fair considering that she insisted that I do this design against my good advise and I actually figured that she would be happy to pay. This was not the case. She instantly took the 'customer is always right' perspective and insisted that I pay for the new piece entirely. This pissed me off even more. 

So, now I am panicked and pissed and trying to hold all this in and not reveal this to her because this is business after all. So, I calmly insisted that she pay for half of this piece and we went back and forth until she finally freaked out. At this time, I new that I had fucked myself because she, in my observation, freaked out beyond redemption as far as our relationship is concerned. 

One last piece of lack of preparation is the point of having to resolve this issue right there and then. I should have given it a day and not engaged in discourse with her immediately, but I was too scared of $800 and pissed at her too and I could not wait a day get this resolved.

From that point on, I wound up not only paying $800, but some other minor things went wrong on this job too after this, and I payed for those as well and did everything in my power to redeem myself and just get this job done and move on, but this lady, although she says she is over it, clearly never got over this and has turned out to be out to get me, practically to the point of putting me out of business if possible.

The good news, is that outside of that exchange where she 'freaked out', we have a well documented case here where we honored our contract and did everything we could to get her job done as quickly as possible. So, in the end we should be OK, no matter how much crap she through at us. Yet, I have been possessed with worry over this issue of the past few days over this any way.

And as a side note, I personally believe that this lady is so vindictive towards us (me and my company) because she more than-likely feels guilty about the fact that she convinced me to order this part against my good judgment after I exposed this to her and used this as rational to have her help pay for this error, because I know she knows this is true. I believe that this is probably in the back of her head and that she is therefore not only pissed at me by the way I handled her that day, but also trying to deal with her quilt by making me and my company the enemy/devil company.

Its amazing how fucked up we all act because of our backchat that goes in the back of our minds. So, I was driven by my backchat to try to shove $400 in cost down her throat, and now she is driven by her backchat to destroy my business and reputation.

So, now I am all mind possessed and worried.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional reaction of worry towards anything and specifically the outcome of this event because I see, realize, and understand that worry is a complete mind possession wherein I am trying to take control of the situation to avoid apparent harm when in fact thinking about something over and over again does nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that if I do not think about this situation over and over again then I might be exposed to some great harm that I have not thought of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of fear to the thought of not worrying about things and just breathing because I fear that if I just breathe something bad might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not think about a certain situation over and over again that I might have something bad happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future by worrying and worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and what it might bring.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the potential loss of income in the future as a result of this incident.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this fear of what might happen and the corresponding worry is revealing to me that I have not prepared and not been prepared and therefore I need only to look into this and address it practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry instead of just simply breaking down the situation for what it is in fact – not what I want it to be in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry instead of finding practical solutions for whatever problem may arise, use future projections to see and clarify how to go about solving an issue, and then to walk the solution in breath – not in my mind-possessed state of worry where I am trying to control reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future through worry and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen in the future if I don't worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize, and understand that worry is revealing to me that I have not prepared for something, otherwise I would not worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and directed by my backchat, in general, and with this particular person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear and anger to direct my conversations – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear and anger with full awareness to direct my conversations when in fact I could have just stopping and breathed as I was aware of this at that time.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe because I do not accept and allow myself to worry because I see, realize, and understand worry does nothing to solve problems and cannot direct the future in any way whatsoever. And thus, when and as I see worry arising within me, I commit myself to stopping this worry and breathing deeply in and out – breathing in the energy of worry and then breathing out the energy or worry back into my physical body until I am clear.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that worry is not a solution. And thus, I commit myself to investigate where it is that I have not prepared, and also I work out the best practical solution through considering all points and projecting the actions required for the best possible outcome, and then I walk the solution in breath, breath by breath.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry and have also done my practical solution – if there is no solution that guarantees a 'good' outcome, that is OK – I do not worry about that either. Instead, I stop and I breathe; and thus I commit myself to walk the best solution possible and also prepare myself for all potential outcomes by walking self-forgiveness wherever it may apply so as to create myself as stable and consistent and to remain in breath under any circumstances.

Day 47 – Stopping my resistance to my self-commitments – Self Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself going into my preprogrammed reactions to change, wherein I make various excuses and justifications to resist change and resist breathing and pushing through a particular point, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to create excuses and justifications to not follow-through with my self commitments – and thus I commit myself to stopping self-created resistance, as soon as I see myself doing this, by breathing-in and then breathing-out the energy into my body until I am clear. Then I commit myself to directing myself to do what I can in-fact do-and-accomplish in the amount of time that I have.

When and as I see myself going into the reaction to the idea of writing and the justification that I have 'no time to write', I stop and I breathe in and out – breathing-in and then breathing-out all the energy from these thoughts into my body until it is dissipated and I am clear and stable. Thus I commit myself to then consider through projections and common sense, what I do in-fact have time for and to what is practically possible within writing my Journey to Life.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that 'I do not have time to write out my self forgiveness' correctly I stop myself by breathing in and out, directing this mental energy back into my body until I am clear and stable because I see, realize, and understand that this fear is not real and not necessary and that I am only making justifications to not do what I have already committed myself to do, because the process of change is a point of resistance that is preprogrammed-in and is the root of this fear that I am experiencing. And thus, I commitment myself to stopping this fear of change and breathing through this fear until I am clear and able to direct myself in and as the breath of life into actions that are best for all and supportive of my transcending my mind.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional reaction towards writing self forgiveness that it is 'boring', I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in an emotional reaction of boredom towards the idea or effort to write self-forgiveness. And thus, I breathe deeply in and out until this energetic reaction is gone and then proceed to direct myself to the task of writing, in and as the breath, breath by breath.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that I am not able to write out my self-forgiveness correctly, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this is another excuse, justification used by my mind to assist in resisting change and remaining enslaved to the energy addictions of thoughts, feelings, emotions and the activities that I do that help keep this energetic life experience in place. And thus I commit myself to breathing through this fear of not being able to write correctly or thoroughly and remaining here and breathing as the breath as life as the physical and thereby stopping this fear and my participation in this fear of writing correctly.

When and as I see myself going into the fear and feeling of overwhelmedness at the magnitude of this process of change, I stop and I breath because I see, realize, and understand that this is just a feeling and fear that exists in my mind as a reaction to the idea of stopping the energy addictions that I live and feed off of as a mind-consciousness system. And thus, I commit myself to breathing through these feelings and fears of overwhelmedness until I am here one and equal with the physical breathing and stable and thus I commit myself to directing myself to writing myself to freedom breath-by-breath, one day at a time.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional reaction to writing that “I am to stressed out from work to write because I need a form of release” I stop my participation in these thoughts by breathing in and out until I am stable and clear because I see, realize, and understand that this is a polarity cycle that I have trapped myself in wherein I have pent up negative energy from work that I need to balance out with positive energy derived from activities that I have predefined as 'fun' in separation of myself – and thus I commitment to stopping this polarity cycle by breathing and stopping these thoughts and redefining fun and stress even through further self forgiveness if necessary.

When and as I see myself 'looking up to' or idolizing other Destonian's as being able to do something that I cannot do, such as write effectively self forgiveness, I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this is a complete mind-fuck and complete separation rooted in fear of myself and fear of change. And thus I commit myself to stopping these comparisons through breathing stopping these thoughts and then directing myself as life, one and equal with all as me as the breath, here.

When and as I see myself going into the belief and fear of being bored while writing or for any reason at all, I stop and I breath, and I do not accept and allow these thoughts, feelings, and emotions of bored and being bored to exist within and as me for any reason whatsoever because I see, realize, and understand that nothing is in fact fun or boring but rather everything that I label as fun or boring is merely labeled as such by my mind based on the amount of energy/reaction that an activity can provide me/my mind with which is the fuel for its/my existence as the mind consciousness system. And thus I commit myself to extinguishing this emotional reaction of boredom from my mind and stopping the concept of boredom from interfering with my walk once and for all through breathing, and even writing until this system of self-sabotage is no longer part of my daily experience.

When and as I see myself going into self-doubt that I can pull up memories accurately so as to sort through them and do self-forgiveness, I stop my participation in doubting that I can remember things correctly because I see, realize, and understand that this is a defense mechanism by my mind to protect itself and to protect my own self-interest in keeping things and my memories the 'way there are' because it serves me better, in my own self interest, that way. And thus, I commit myself to stopping my self-doubt by breathing through this resistance until it is gone and I am clear and then directing myself to sort out my memories breath-by-breath and literally breathing and stopping to breathe while writing out my memories if while going through the process of writing out my memories I still experience self doubt.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that I am confused or writing in a confusing way about a particular topic of self forgiveness, I stop and I breathe through this fear of being confused until I am clear and stable because I see, realize, and understand that this fear is yet another creation of my mind consciousness system to resist change and my process of change. And thus, I commit myself to breathing and directing myself from that point of stability by stopping this fear of being confused and then I simply write and stand with myself as my own support, as the breath, so as to push through this feeling of confusion and so as to support myself as clarity and towards clarity, breath-by-breath.

When and as I see myself going into the excuse/justification that I have no time to write, I stop and I believe because I see, realize, and understand that I have been fucking myself over completely with this imagined bullshit that is used only to direct myself into more energetic activities most of the time. And thus I commit myself to writing every day if possible -yet if I cannot write, it is a practical matter, not an emotional one. And thus I also commit myself to breathing through the idea of not having time to write until I am clear and able to direct myself to what I do in-fact have time to do on any particular day.

And finally, as a matter of testing myself on this point of writing and time and boredom and all the other justifications that I have noted – I thus commit myself to 21 days of writing to freedom wherein I commit myself to writing 21 days straight wherein I give myself permission to not write every day if in fact I do not have time after I have breathed and realized that this is so on a practical common sense level – because there are times that my responsibilities do in fact take-up all my time. So, this next 21 days is my test and my push through on this point.

Day 46 – Stopping my resistance to my self-commitment to writing and my process of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that 'I am not sure about the memories that I have written about' to not complete my DIP assignment. 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that resistance isn’t about being unsure of something – resistance is a preprogrammed defense mechanism of the mind that activates when we are faced with a point of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'doubt' whether my memories are correct, and to within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may be writing a bunch of made-up bullshit and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the idea that 'I may be writing a bunch of made-up bullshit' to my fear of writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of 'fear of writing self forgive forgiveness' to the idea that I am not able to correctly go through or pull-up memories so as to write about them effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of change by participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears and ideas that I am not able to write about, remember, recount, and express effectively my preprogrammed nature so as to be able to clearly be able to identify what it is that I need to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself by hiding memories away where I seemingly cannot find them or remember them correctly and to within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot remember things correctly and therefore cannot self-forgive correctly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not equal as life force with the same exact potential to transcend my mind that every other being has, and then within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself and others that are 'effectively' participating in their process because 'apparently I don’t have it in me do be able to do so'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I don't have what it takes' as others do, in their process, because I see, realize, and understand that 'having what it takes' is a mind-consciousness system design that only applies when I live as my mind within whatever design I have been given and that I merely need to stand, breathe, and self-forgive to change and be able to stand one and equal with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that I can 'find' self-discipline, as if I am waiting for it to happen to me or making excuses for not manifesting the self discipline because within this justification I am placing self-discipline outside of myself, in separation of myself, and giving myself what I need to resist change and remain enslaved to my mind - where it is that I 'feel' so comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire to 'feel at ease and comfortable' not realizing that if this is my desire, then that means that this is not how I am existing now in every moment because why would I desire something that I already have? And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have only achieve this 'at ease and comfortable feeling' by participating in certain activities instead of living 'at ease and comfortable' as myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I am not going to be able to make this process in this life, and in this current circumstance wherein I work full-time and have a wife and kids to take care of'. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I will just wait for the other Destonians to gradually redirect reality so as to make things 'easier' such as the introduction of the BIG of which I may even be a beneficiary one day in the 'future' wherein I will be able to complete my process years from now'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to myself the time and discipline required to participate in my process as consistently as possible considering my actual circumstances because I have been accepting and allowing a myriad of excuses and justifications to trump my efforts when all the while the self-discipline and the time that I need - I merely need give to myself through self-forgiveness, breathing and corrective application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing self-forgiveness as work and then to charge it negatively and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this justification to do some other activity that I have placed in the category of 'emotion release' or 'relaxation' because of my need to participate in these actives after being at work all day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 'work' to be charged negatively and to believe that it is emotionally and energetically draining and therefore, when I am off work, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be looking for those 'positively' charged activities to participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in polarity cycles between work and off-work, rather than to remain here equal and one in breath no matter what activity that I participate in, always the same and always breathing, and within the realization that all activities are in fact equal and one and should only be participated in if they are best for all and also what is indeed to do to survive in this system how it is right now and to be as self-responsible and self-directed as much as possible in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea/mind-set of the 'average' consumerist being wherein it is normal to need to 'release' after a long day of 'hard-work' wherein I am not 'living life to the fullest' if after 'grueling' work day only to come home and write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write about the emotional drain that work does, in fact, have on me in my current walk – as of now, as it does require a lot of emotional energy to deal with all the different 'personalities' and complete all the tasks required to be 'successful' at what I do and to therefore make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the swath of material that I have to write about to stabilize myself at work so as to create myself as stable at work with no emotional energy drain so that when I come home I am one and equal and walking in breath as if I had been 'doing what I want all day' – and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that even if I had been doing 'what I want' all day' I still would not be emotionally stable as emotional stability does not come from doing what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become 'confused' with the subject matter at-hand regarding self-forgiveness, and to within that use that excuse and justification to not participate in self-forgiveness as much as I could when and as I define myself as confused..

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to just stop and slow down and breathe when and as I feel confused about how to write out self-forgives, at times. And within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write my self forgiveness breath by breath in every moment of breath, here – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write a lot of my self forgiveness in a reactive mode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think of my writing and that others may think that I am not writing well or writing in a confusing way and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear of what others think of my writing as a justification to not write at times, and to not write about specific topics where this 'fear' is more accentuated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'others may think that I am not writing clearly and that I should not write, therefore about whatever particular topic may be 'causing' this fear. ' And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of fear to the thoughts that 'others may be able to identify that I don’t 'know' what I am doing or talking about'. And within that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process with fears of what other people think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this fear of 'what other people think of mywritings and that others may be able to identify me as not understanding the material' is a form of self-sabotage wherein I am making justifications and excuses to stop my process based on what I think other people think, which is total separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that what other people think or perceive my abilities in self forgiveness is irrelevant and that even if I am 'confused', the only way to gain clarity is to participate in my process consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too tired to write when I still have energy to participate in hobbies, and past-times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to thoughts that I am too tired to write, instead of breathing and remaining here, stopping the thoughts and breathing through them until I am clear and then directing myself to write if it is what I need to to at that time to be consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this process is too arduous and too difficult for me to do and therefore, within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'give-up' on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that whatever the most 'awesome' destonian can do, I can do also, because anyone who walks and breathes and participates effectively in his/her process is doing so as the breath, as life-force, as the physical – all of which I am equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'look-up to other destonians' in separation of myself, as if they are separate than me and not equal and one. And within that, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself equal and one with other destonians because I have not seen myself that way which is a complete find-fuck. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this since of 'inferiority' as excuse and justification to not participate effectively in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get all 'stressed out' with work to the extent that I feel I need to do 'fun stuff' instead of slow down, breathe, and write. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address the point of work more thoroughly even though, ironically, I have been able to reduce my stress at work significantly with prior self-forgiveness; however, there is obviously still more work to be done here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define various activities as fun and boring in separation of myself, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pulled back and forth in positive and negative polarity cycles which has the result of sabotaging my time to get things done that I need to get done and keeping myself in separation – in my mind, and not here as the physical, in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in mind-chatter and dialog/backchat wherein my mind races with various excuses and emotional reactions as to why I cannot participate more effectively in my process, instead of just stopping all that bullshit, and breathing as soon as I see myself doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that all I need to do is slow-down and breath and that I am not really bored, and I don’t really need to do this or that in order to feel good or have fun – rather what I need to do is breath and slow down until I am here with a clear mind, and then direct myself to do what is best for all and is self-responsible in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my self-responsibility by participating in my mind and believing and reacting to my own bullshit instead of being here and breathing equal and one with my body and the physical and then directing myself in breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that I do not have enough 'time' to write out correctly my self-forgiveness and self-exploration and self-commitment statements and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear to the idea that I have not the time to write out correctly my self forgiveness and therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to writing thorough self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and feed my reactiveness by participating in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that come up, on any particular topic, instead of stopping those thoughts, feelings, and emotions as soon as I see that I am going into them and then breathing until I am stable again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason why I am not able to participate in my process more effectively is because I have accepted and allowed myself to be emotionally reactive and controlled by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that I am the directive 'force' in my existence, not my mind – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that all the excuses and justifications are used only to find, seek, and participate in experience that produce and energetic reaction in my mind which makes me feel good and feel like I am really living – and these justifications are used to resist change and transcending my program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that I am preprogrammed to seek, find, and create reactions, excuses, and emotional experiences all to form a 'resistance' to change and to transcending my program; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that 'change' will seem hard and boring at first because that is my preprogrammed reaction to stay mind-controlled and mind-possess where everything that keeps me in this virtual-mind reality is so much more 'fun' and easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain enslaved to my mind because it is easier that way than it is to breath and stop my backchat.

More self-forgiveness on this and self-corrective/commitment statements to follow...

Day 45 – Am I so dominated by my backchat that I cannot stand up and breathe?

Am I so dominated by my backchat that I cannot stand up and breathe and direct myself to become what is best for all life? This is one question that I am asking myself in this blog, as well as:

The preface of the Reptilians Interview 214 asks the question: “Why do we so often and vigorously doubt our own ability to change? Why do we have the tendency of sabotaging ourselves when there is actual evidence of our change by doubting ourselves?”

And:

From the preface on How to Stop Suppressing - Kryon: My Existential History the question is asked: “Why do we tend to alter the thoughts and experiences in our minds when we speak or write about them, instead of speaking or writing simply what it is that is going on inside us?”

Just right here bring up two additional points that I use to justify not standing up and breathing. I have been dominated by the backchat that I cannot change or that I cannot completely change and therefore become overwhelmed with the task at hand. Then at other times I have been dominated with the second question wherein I actually participate in fear writing because I fear I may not have the memory correct. For instance an assignment I am working on right now has to do with memories that I have some resistance to writing about because I am not sure about the memories that I have written about, amongst other reasons.

The fact of the matter is that I am very busy with all my personal responsibilities and that, at this time, it probably is unrealistic of me to write everyday. However, I can definitely find the time to write at least once per week, and I have not done that. Instead, I have simply given-in to my backchat wherein I have created a god-zillion excuses and justifications to put off standing up. Now that is not to say that I have blown-off standing up, it is just to say that I am not doing what I can be doing at this time.

And 'at this time' is interesting as well, because it is conceivable that I could eventually write every day, if I were to stand-up as consistently as possible at this time in which I would be supporting myself to transcend whatever it is that is holding me back from daily writing, such as the need to sleep 8 hours, and perhaps working more diligently and efficiently so as to shore up more time, and also how about another big one that I just recently have been made aware of as expressed in this question: How do negative experiences towards situations fuel a “positive reward” experience? - which is a question from The Future of Consciousness 21 interview which is one big reason I have no time – because my free time is my 'positive reward' time for all my 'negative experiences'. These are points that I can explore in the time that I do have now that may lead to more time, if time is what I need.

There are just so many places to start and so many things to write about and writing is an enjoyable activity, actually. It is a shame that I cannot find the self-discipline to walk my process on a more consistent basis just because I accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own backchat wherein I talk myself out of participating more effectively in my process for a myriad of reasons that are all actually nothing more that points that I can and should right about and explore. All the material that I need to write and self forgive is chattering away inside of my head telling me what to do and how to live my life, and I cannot figure out where to start? That is some funny shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dominated by my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I don’t want to write because I feel bored and am not having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just breathe and stop those thoughts in their tracks and then proceed to direct myself from that starting point of being one and equal all as me, and acting in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my thoughts. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my thoughts and my backchat when I know full-well that I am not my thoughts and that I can stand and I can breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is really me that is bored rather than realizing that it is just me believing my backchat, which is a program that is drawing from memories and past experiences that I have defined myself and my world by in separation of myself here; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my past instead of simply writing about those points until I am able to stand.

OK, it is getting late. I will continue on this as soon as I can.

Day 44 – What is the Bid Deal with Writing?

Ok, so I have done a ton of self-forgivness on writing of which has actually been quite successful as I do not have much resistance to writing. In fact, I like writing, I look forward to writing, and every day I think of something that I need to write about with full intent to write about it. But I dont write it out. I do, however, practice verbal self-forgivness almost every day while driving and also breathing and also I pay attention to myself and make (mental) notes of all the areas that I still stand in separation from what is here.  

I drive for up to 3 hours a day because of my job, and so therefore, I practice verbal self-forgiveness quite extensively. I have been making progress even with this as I am basically talking myself out of all my 'faults' while driving around town (lol). The progress that I have made can be measured. It is real. But I still am not writing consistently, and I do realize that writing consistently is the only way to really transcend my mind as the verbal stuff is only so effective.

So, I know what I need to do, yet I dont do it. So, what gives? I am thinking that at this time, it is TIME. I was pushing for 6 hours of sleep per night – I even 'stole' someones else's self-forgiveness on this (lol) and after so many weeks I just began to be slightly tired all the time. Then, my DIP assignment was too difficult at the time for me to deal with and the combination of being tired from only sleeping 6 hours of sleep per night and also the magnitude of this process just busted my whole focus and I just 'collapsed' from all the 'pressure'. I stopped writing and went back to 8 hours of sleep per night.

I work long hours. I come home and have kids and household responsibilities to take care of. Sometimes, I work from when I wake up until I go to be late at night. Sometimes I do this for days on end. Unless I am sleeping 6 hours per night without any fatigue, I dont think I can do this and write consistently. The key is sleep. 

Yet, I have all these other issues that I would like to write about and I am afraid of addressing sleep because I dont 'believe' that I can really overcome this. So, I just dont know where to begin – should I start with sleep? Should I start with some other issues? Can I start writing about other issues if I cannot do it everyday because I often work almost THE WHOLE DAY? 

I also like to read about current affairs. I would like to write about these issues too, but I dont have time (lol). I also have started playing classical music again on the piano. I was once very serious about this years ago and have since forgotten about this until about a year ago. Now this is a rekindled passion of mine that I like to spent time on. Yet, maybe I should just write and not play so much. I dont watch TV but just a little. Probably a few hours per week. And outside of these hobbies, I am really just working or doing things I need to do at home.

So, thats where I am. I will pick up on this tomorrow (? lol, as if.)

Day 43 – Self Forgiveness on choosing the mind over the breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to my mind at that critical moment where I can either choose to breathe or choose to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions because I enjoy thoughts, feelings, and emotions and am afraid of not living without them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of fear to living here without participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push through and experience what it is to live here as the breath rather than participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life would be lacking if I were to just remain here in and as the breath in every moment – especially the moment when I am ‘tempting myself’ to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions and/or experiences that will generate thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life will be boring without participating in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the ‘power’ of my mind as it ‘seduces’ me with the energetic high of thinking, feeling, and emoting in those critical moments where I am aware that I am about to go into my mind and I chose to do so just because I ‘can’t resist’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I cannot resist’ my mind and the experiences I can generate from participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through with the corrective application part of past self-forgiveness’s because in the moment that I am ‘tempting myself’ I give-in because I believe that I cannot resist and that my life would be lacking and boring if I were to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I give-in and participate yet again on past self-forgiveness’s that I time-loop and then rebuild the entire construct again in a slightly different way where then I need to write that point out again and then stop again – prolonging my process and making it that much harder.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time-loop on various topics because I just cannot resist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created belief that I cannot resist the energy of the mind and the experiences of the mind generated by thoughts, feelings, and emotions, pictures in my mind, and memories and future projections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created belief that I cannot live without the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I choose to participate in because I would otherwise be bored and ‘empty’ and then within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to time-loop and create more systems and constructs to dismantle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have all the time in the world to stop my mind, when in fact I just have this one life and maybe a shot in the afterlife.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose my mind over breathing in those moments when thoughts, feelings, and emotions begin to come up and I have the awareness that I can stop, that I can breathe.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications to participate in the mind rather than stop in the moment of making any excuses and justifications and just breathe.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not apply myself consistently enough to write out, in high detail, all the excuses and justifications that I create to go back into my mind/experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply stop and breath when the moment that the ‘I’m bored construct’ comes up because I have already written about this and already know it is bullshit and therefore now I just need to breathe.