JTL Day 91 – Giving Up On Myself, Part I

About nine months ago, I began to look at a new assignment dealing with memories. Just reading through this assignment was daunting. Then when it came time to actually start doing the assignment, I became overwhelmed with anxiety because of my experience of it as too confusing and too large. It was like trying to climb a mountain or something.

I had been holding onto a belief/perception and fear of myself that I could not go through my memories. I new that I would eventually have to walk my memories and secretly held this fear and belief that I would not be able to do this when the time came, because of my experience of not being able to really look into my memories in past experiences. So, this assignment brought all of this suppressed fear up to the surface and as a result, I saw this assignment as daunting and confusing. In this, I became overwhelmed and I just gave up on myself, this assignment, and my entire process, to a certain extent.

Nevertheless, I 'tried' to push-through, but my experience was that, just as I 'suspected', going through my memories was indeed really difficult for me. So I actually wound-up giving up a few times as I would make a little progress and then hit a wall, and then quit and then start again.

My daily blogging dropped-off considerably as well because I was already accepting and allowing resistance to writing to exist within and as me, which was magnified by this assignment be so difficult. So, although not completely, I gave up on process as well as my assignment, because I allowed this assignment to represent the entirety of my process as being just too big and too complex and too daunting, and too time-consuming, for me, considering that this assignment had initially proven to me my fears of not being able to go through my memories.

I had back-chats like 'See, I can't do it' and 'there is just too much to do' and 'I can't even sort-out my memories', and 'I don't even understand shit' and 'I can't just spend all my time doing this' and 'I am too fucked-up to get through this' and 'my mind is like a locked-cage, with all the memories inside and I just can't access them, so how the fuck am I supposed to get through this and sort these memories out if I cannot even access them?” and “see, I knew it, I cannot sort my memories out, I just get confused” and “what's the use of daily blogging if I cannot even go through my memories”. All of this was just self-imposed bullshit that I had put upon myself as a result of my fears, resistances, and to feed my desire to give up and not do this.

In this, I accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the energetic experience of my mind. And the more I gave-in to these thoughts, feelings, and emotions, the more that it became difficult for me to push through. Eventually, I was like 'down for the count' – a KO for the mind with the referee counting down for 10 and then on 10, I grab the rope all bloody and I pulled through. I'm still here. I pushed through. I completed this assignment.

So, I can see that the reason that I gave up was that my application has not been effective because I accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and consumed by the experience of 'wanting to give up' when faced with this assignment and then I gave up, not only on the assignment, but my writing, and myself. I did not stand as that strength and determination to walk through the experience of wanting to give up. I can see that the desire to give-up is not real, it exists only in my mind. So, now I am going to correct this point of wanting to give up and giving up on myself, and also applying myself more effectively so that I can stand the next time I am faced with this.

JTL Day 90 – More on Boredom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to do something more than what is right 'here' before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments about what I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to do something more exciting than what I am currently doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for the 'excitement' of the next moment rather than remaining 'here' within and as the breath in each moment, stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine an activity that would be more exciting and then compare that to what I am doing now, and within that define what I am doing now as 'boring'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare different activities to each other and judge them as either fun/exciting or boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the polarity of boring and exciting, instead of remaining 'here' in the breath in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the energy of the emotion of boredom and the desire to go into the energy of the feeling excitement/fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion/negative energy of boredom to when things slow down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that I am bored when and as my responsibilities and activities slow down and come to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to having nothing or very little to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the idea of being bored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start seeking things to do that are more exciting when and as what I am currently doing comes to an end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/label doing 'nothing' as boring and then within this I forgive myself for looking for more exciting things to do so that I do not have to feel this boredom when things slow down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time by participating in the polarity construct of boredom and excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/label any activity as boring or exciting, and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply remaining 'here' within the breath in each moment doing what is practical within the point of taking self-responsibility to take care of myself within this system and re-align myself within the application of stopping my mind so that I am always doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all activities are just activities, it is the mind that labels and defines what one is doing thereby separating one from all that is here as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time by only participating in activities that are within the self-definition of exciting and fun, instead of remaining 'here' equal and one with what I am doing as myself, in the breath, directing self to be doing what is best for all in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the activities within the polarity of fun/exciting and boring, throughout my day, and then to react with the emotion of boredom or the feeling of excitement/satisfaction. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my mind and the energy experience of my mind, rather than to be directed by me as self-awareness within and as the breath, in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that every moment and activity is equal and that it is the mind that makes judgments of good/bad, positive/negative, right/wrong, fun/boring- when all that in-fact exists is the outflow of consequence of what one participates in, which is in fact a physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply remain here within and as the breath as my directive awareness of me in every breath.

When and as I see myself going judging what I am doing as boring and then reacting with the feeling of boredom and the desire to do something more that what is here before me, I stop and I breath. I do not accept allow myself to make judgments of the activities that I participate in because I see, realize, and understand that these judgments are of the mind and are not in fact real.

And thus, I commit myself to remaining 'here' within and as the breath throughout my day stopping the judgments and feelings that come up of 'I am bored' and instead breathing through them until I am clear, and then directing myself to complete the tasks that I have before me within and as the breath.

JTL Day 89 – Be 'Here' With the Food

I eat too fast. My partner is constantly reminding me to slow down. I have a lot of gas, I fart a lot LOL. I suppose this is all that partially chewed food I swallow digesting in my colon. That's got to be hard on my body. My step-brother, years ago, used to tell me that I ate like a shark, where my eyes would roll back into my head as I took a bite. LOL. I laugh thinking back on this.

When I pay attention, I can see that I am in my head when I eat. I am either thinking of the next bite, or thinking of something else completely. I also feel rushed. I am not breathing too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be 'here' with and as my food when I eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the next bite of food so much that I wind-up rushing the bite that I am on just to get done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the experience of the beginning of the bite, that initial experience of first biting into my food, the flavors, the textures all bursting into my mouth, and then to see the rest of the chewing experience as less exciting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swallow my food before it is completely chewed as a result of not 'here' in the breath while chewing my food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to swallow my food before it is completely chewed because I desire to experience the next bite and am just trying to get through the current one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body by not being 'here' with my food and chewing it until completion before swallowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind thinking of the next bite or something else completely when chewing my food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a habit of swallowing my food before it is completely chewed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the initial bite experience and focus my attention on only that part of the eating process; and within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate in the energy of the emotional experience of impatience while chewing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my food, as me, by desiring to always experience just that initial bite reaction of satisfaction and pleasure and then focus on only that by waiting with anticipation for the next initial bite experience, while rushing through rest of the chewing process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind by thinking of the future or other things while chewing my food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my food and my body by going into my mind while eating and placing greater value in the initial bit experience, and then going into the desire to only experience that part of the eating process while rushing and not paying attention to the rest of the eating process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not 'hear' my body telling me that I am eating too fast with the chronic gas that I have.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain 'here' in the breath while chewing my food from the beginning of the bite all the way through, experiencing the entire bite in equality and oneness.

When and as I see myself just wanting to get to the next bite or going into the mind while chewing my food, I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back here to being with this bite so that I can be here with and as my food while I chew it until completion before swallowing. I do not accept and allow myself to separate myself from my food and my body by placing greater value within some parts of the eating process and then abusing my body by not chewing my food completely.

And thus,

I commit myself to being here with and as my food while chewing every bite

I commit myself to stopping judgments about the chewing process and simply remaining here in the breath from start to finish while eating.

I commit myself to experiencing the entire eating process equally by breathing and remaining here with my food while I chew it all the way through.

JTL Day 88 – Always resetting the date, and pissing me off – Part IV, Corrective Application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional experience of guilt as way to 'feel' better about the fact that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my fabricator in anger and frustration to my fabricator.

When and as I see myself going into this pattern of back-chats that come up when seeing my fabricators phone number on my phone, followed with the emotions of frustration, fear, anxiety, and annoyance that all build up within me, because of memories of the past and fear of the future, that I release within 'acting out / yelling, talking fast and raising my voice at the trigger-point of when he lets me down by resetting the date of installation, I stop and I take deep breaths, in-and-out, so as to remain 'here' in the breath, in the physical. I see, realize, and understand that this is a pattern, based on memories and fear of the future, followed by back-chats and emotions that are all reactions as a way to 'protect' myself from what I fear happening – and within that, I see, realize, and understand that I am living in the past, being driven by memories, to protect myself from the future by loosing myself to the mind and within that I am not 'here'.

And thus,

I commit myself to remain here, in breath, breathing and stopping the back-chats and emotions that come up when I see the phone number of my fabricator on my phone and this whole pattern starting to repeat itself.

I commit myself to taking practical solutions like adding time to my fabricators installation dates.

I commit myself to working out the points that came-up within this post, in future posts, so as to assist me in remaining here, within and as the physical in the breath.

JTL Day 87 – Always resetting the date, and pissing me off – Part III, Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the thought that 'he always let's me down' when I see my fabricator calling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my fabricator as 'bad at estimating his time.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'it is OK to react harshly to my fabricator because I see my boss doing it.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to my fabricator when he calls to reset his date because I have seen my boss do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that it 'must be OK to react to my fabricator, because of the idea that I hold that 'this is how people talk to this guy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to the desire to 'be like my boss' within the point of being able to 'yell and become angry' at our counter-top fabricator. And within that, I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel 'good about myself and superior' when I behave 'be like my boss'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I am sick of my fabricator always resetting the date.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when my fabricator calls connected to the thought 'oh shit, hear we go again'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of letting my customer down because of resetting the date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fabricator for letting my customer down and the emotional experience that my customer might have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in the anger to my fabricator resetting the date because I am blaming him for my customer's potential adverse reaction to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/define/label my fabricator as 'not so bright' because of his pace of speech and ability to articulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance at the sound and pace of my fabricators voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior to my fabricator, in that I am more intelligent compared to his speech patterns. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others as superior/better/smarter and inferior/less than/dumber based on they way they talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional/energy experience of being 'annoyed' at just hearing my fabricators voice on the phone because I have judged/labeled/defined his voice and manner of speaking to be unintelligent and 'inferior.'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I think of myself as superior, or feel superior in acting out abusively towards others, then that must mean that I really feel inferior: in-fear-and-horror, of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the thought that 'I am smarter and more 'together' than my fabricator when I hear his voice'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I hate the way my fabricators voice sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional/energy experience of 'hatred' connected to the way my fabricator's voice sounds, because of the memories of hearing him on the phone letting me down on dates he set.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional/energy experience of frustration at just seeing my fabricators phone number on my phone because of memories of him letting me down on set installation dates he set, in the past. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past, of and controlled by memories, instead of remaining 'here'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act-out in anger and frustration towards my fabricator at the trigger-point of when I hear that he is beginning to go into resetting the installation date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotional reactions of anger, annoyance, and frustration, when he calls until he drops the news that he needs to re-set the installation date which acts as a trigger-point for me to act-out and begin to yell and speak harshly towards him.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain 'here' and breathe at the moment he calls so as to stop myself from participating in thoughts, emotions, and feelings that come-up when I see him call that are connected to memories of past experiences that I am holding onto. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past, of memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I cannot allow him to get away with this again!' when he starts to let me know that he needs to re-set the installation date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of my customer getting mad at having his/her installation date re-set.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to implement the practical solution to adding a few days to the dates that my fabricator sets so that I can help avoid missing dates, and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my anger and frustration is with myself that I have not taken the practical steps of adding time to the dates my fabricator sets because I know that he is not good at estimating time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the way someone else might react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of money.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the resetting of dates because of my participation in the idea that 'I don't want to let my customer down, because that may cause me to loose money'.

I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that I have created this experience of fear within my own mind, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own made-up fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fabricator for 'screwing up my relationships with my customers' and then to use that as justification to act out in anger towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place responsibility in maintaining my relationships in my fabricator, instead of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea that 'my customer may think that I don't know what I am doing when I res-set the fabrication date'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I cannot let my fabricator get away with resetting these dates again' and then within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that as justification to act out in anger towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I cannot control myself from this point' when my fabricator begins to let me know that he cannot make the date that he set, because of all the suppressed thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have at that moment that I believe need to be 'released'.

JTL Day 86 – Always resetting the date, and pissing me off – Part II

I would also like add that another reason I let myself go is that I see my boss doing this to him too. My boss yells at him and then for some strange reason I think it is ok for me to do it to. As if this is just the way you talk to this guy.

So, to break it down, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I have when he calls:

Thoughts / back-chats that come up:

• He always lets me down
• He is bad at estimating his time
• Maybe it is good to yell at him harshly because my boss does
• I am like my boss in that I can yell at him too
• I am sick of him always giving me a bad date
• He better not be calling to re-set the date
• Oh shit, here we go again
• I don't want to let me customer down
• I hate the sound of his voice / the way he talks

Negative Energy / Emotions that come up:

• Fear connected to letting my customer down by resetting the date
• Annoyed at the sound of his voice / the way he talks
• Frustrated / Angry that he always does this
• Guilt connected to having allowed myself to once again yell at him followed by desire to have him accept my apology and make-up afterwards

Positive Energy / Feelings that come up:

• Feeling superior to him connected to the thought that I can yell at him like my boss does
• Feeling superior to him connected to the thought that 'I have my shit together, unlike him'

Trigger Point that brings me into reaction mode:

• The moment when he drops the news that he needs to change the date based on the following back-chats and emotions:
• He cannot get away with this
• He cannot always do this
• He has got to learn a lesson
• Fear connected to resetting the date with my customer
• Fear connected to losing my customer due to the fact that the customer may get mad
• Fear of losing business / money
• Blaming my fabricator for screwing up my relationships with my customers
• Projecting blame onto my fabricator when I know that I could have set the schedule with my customer better based because I know my fabricator is usually late.
• Therefore, fear of facing myself – not wanting to believe that I am to blame for this
• Fear of my boss finding out I set the wrong schedule
• Anger that my fabricator always lets me down on this
• Feeling like a victim
• Fear of looking like I don't know what I am doing in front of my customer
• Participating in the thought that 'I cannot let him (my fabricator) get away with this – this is where I draw the line!
• Participating in the thought that 'I cannot 'control' myself from this point'
• Feeling justified because I see my boss yelling at him
• Annoyance at the tone of his voice and the pace at which he talks

Self-forgiveness on the next post.

JTL Day 85 – Always resetting the date, and pissing me off.

I was talking the other day on the phone to someone who fabricates my countertops. I sell countertops, and he makes them. He called to tell me that he would not be able to make the date set for installation. He called late in the evening the 2 days before installation – the 2 days being the weekend. I answered the phone calmly, and then reacted in anger when he had let me know he could not make the date set.

I was really mad because of a few things. First, the date set, is the date that he set. I always set dates for installation based on when my fabricator tells me he can make it. Secondly, he always calls to let me know he cannot make the date at the last minute, that he sets. Thirdly, I did not want to let my customer down.

It is interesting how calm I was at first when he called. I was calm and cool, yet I knew that he was probably calling to let me know he could not make the date. And a few sentences in, when he let me know he was going to be late, I got all pissed-off and started yelling him things like 'why do you even give me dates if you cannot make them?” and “I just need to add 5 days to any date that you give me” and “you need to work over the weekend to make the date we set”.

I have had these altercations with him before. In fact, I am so used to him resetting installation dates, that I am like going into all these thoughts just seeing his number on my phone like “oh shit, here it goes again” and “he better not be calling to reset the installation date” and “what now?”. I feel frustrated just getting a call from him. Then, I pick-up the phone and act all cool and calm, until the trigger point comes, when he drops the news that he can't make his install date. Then I like flip, from cold to hot.

I have these thoughts like, 'I am not going to react this time' and 'I don't have to react, I can remain here and just breathe because reacting is not going to help'. Yet I allow myself react as if I cannot stop myself because I have other thoughts going on like “this fucker, he cannot keep doing this” and “I can't stop myself from reacting because he crossed the line” and 'he deserves to have some shit thrown at him because he always does this'. So, as soon as he drops the bomb of 'I can't make the date', I flip over to hot and angry mode and then yell at him things like 'he better make the date' and 'he always does this shit'.

Then, he usually actually handles the situation quite well. He doesn't yell back, and then just explains his case. Usually he does not have the best reasons. Usually, he could have organized his time better, or easily judged his time correctly on the front-end and given me a later date. This pisses me off too. In fact, this is another justification that goes through my head to allow myself to get all pissed-off at him.

Then as we get through all that, I begin to cool off, and then the apologies come. 'I am sorry, I did not mean to yell at you. I shouldn't have talked to you in that way' I say because I feel guilty for letting myself go and yelling at him. I feel extra guilty because I realize that I allowed myself to react in anger when I 'know' better, as if I can cover up my acting out or make up for it or make it OK.

I will go into this point further in my next post.