Day 324 – Reacting to my partner

 

So, yesterday I was excited to tell my partner about some dietary solutions that may help her with her chronic illness / condition, fibromyalgia, and instead of her getting excited about it, she basically just got pissed off.  We went back and forth about it and eventually I snapped in an anger reaction where I violently poured my drink into the sink and walked out of the house, like my physical body started to loose control to my mind.  The point of control that I had was being able to walk out of the house and cool off and thus not yell and get into a big argument.  However, I still reacted in anger and frustration and blame towards her.  Then, after the argument, I became afraid that my partner would hold this outburst against me, or no longer like me.  This was a subtle fear that did not last long, but it was there nonetheless.  So, instead of looking at her as the cause and source of this reaction, I am looking at myself, within the question – why did I react? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold expectations that my partner should have the same reaction of excitement and acceptance to the information about a possible solution to her condition, that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in frustration that my partner was not receiving the information the way that I expected her to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when my partner used words that basically told me that ‘I cannot give advise or suggestions to her unless I am also living my words” – wherein, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have her words of “suggesting that I am not able to give advise unless I am perfect”, act as a trigger for me to justify to myself a reaction in anger and frustration and blame towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment when she suggested that “I just keep my mouth shut unless I am perfect and living my words” to react to that trigger with back-chat like ‘this is bullshit’, “she has no right to say or suggest that I have to be perfect to give advice”, “I have every right to now react in anger and frustration due to the fact that she is being un-reasonable”.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this backchat to resonate and build within and as my mind to a point of emotional explosion of anger / frustration, where my physical body became controlled by my mind wherein I was moved by my mind to violently pour my drink out into the sink and then walk out of the house and slam the door.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify reactions in frustration and anger through blaming others as being the reason / source point of my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the consequences that may come about due to my past behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how my partner perceives me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the point that my partner may hold negative opinions about me due to my behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mind possessed with an anger reaction triggered by my partner suggesting that “I have to be perfect in order to give advice to her” where my I lost directive power over my physical body to the extent that I violently poured my drink out in the sink and then walked out of the house and slammed the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself over to a mind-possession even though I was there as my awareness in the background the whole time and could have stepped in and started breathing as the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own emotional reaction in anger and frustration on my partners not accepting my information and also suggesting that I have to be perfect in order to give her suggestions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in resentment towards my partner for her not sharing the same enthusiasm and excitement about the research that I had done on a possible solution to her fibromyalgia.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody the expectation character where I expected her to react and receive my information in a certain way and when she did not, I then justified reacting in frustration, resentment, and even anger where I blamed her for these reactions that occurred within and as myself.

When and as I see myself in a situation where my advice, my opinions, my research, my own beliefs, or even my own equal and one realizations – are not being received by others as expected – and then I see within and as myself reactions of resentment, frustration, anger, blame, let down expectations, justifications all as back-chat and or emotional reactions – I immediately direct myself to slow down and redirect my awareness to my breathing and thus stop this backchat and these emotions through breathing and deleting until I am clear.  I do not accept and allow these emotions and these back-chats because I clearly see that these are all of the mind and of energy are not justified in any way whatsoever within and as physical, practical, equality living.  I remind myself that I am here as a physical being equal and one with all that is here – and that all that is here is merely reflecting me back to me.  I remind myself to breathe.  I commit myself to breathe and stop my interactions with others, when these points come up, until I am completely clear.  I commit myself to leave the room to clear myself of all mind energy, if necessary, before continuing on in conversation.  I commit myself to remain here in the physical, and only speak when I am clear.