Day 365 – Self-Conscious

Self-Conscious: self-con·scious

Synonyms: Embarrased, uncomfortable, uneasy, nervous, awkward, modest, shy,  diffident, bashful, inhibited, unnatural

   1.  Feeling undue awareness of oneself, one's appearance, or one's actions.

2.  Having knowledge of one's own existence, especially the knowledge of oneself as a conscious being and/or of an action or intention that is deliberate and with full awareness, especially affectedly so.

 

I have always been self-conscious of what I say as if always worried that what I say will not be accepted or approved of by others and then as a consequence others will not like me or even reject me.  I would filter through all the possible things to say, then judge most of it as bad or unacceptable and often times just say nothing at all.  I was too afraid to take a risk of saying the “wrong” thing and then been ridiculed or rejected.  I would always look for the re-actions from others, after speaking something, to see if I gained approval or not.  If the other does or did not respond in a way that told me that what I said was approved, then I would get all worried about what I said to a point where I would tune out of the conversation.  I believed that I just did not have anything to say or that I was not funny or entertaining to talk to.  I compared myself to others, especially those who had a lot of words and a lot of positive attention, and then believed that I would never be able to come up with cool things to say like them; and that I was even less intelligent or un-worthy than they are, to have any kind of good company, girl friends, etc.  This pattern of self-consciousness and insecurity has subsided for the most part in my adult life, but it is still there in the background, although I do not listen to that voice in my head so much as I used to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-conscious of what I say as if I can say the ‘wrong’ thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can say something ‘right’ or something ‘wrong’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I say or what I am thinking of saying as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others think of what I say or am thinking about saying as if they will think that it is ‘wrong’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘inappropriate’ and then they will not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of saying the wrong thing because I might not get what I want from the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others through carefully choosing the ‘right’ words so that I get the ‘right’ reactions from others so that I can get what I want from them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my self-consciousness was a form of manipulation of others where instead of just simply expressing myself with others wherein they are free to like me or not, I would carefully choose my words so that I only use the words that will make them like me so that I can get what I want and believe that I need from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-judgments of what I have to say onto others as if they are the source of these judgments, when it is really me judging myself as stupid, dumb, boring, and unworthy to talk to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that accepting and allowing this pattern of self-judgment and self-consciousness to exist within and as me, compromises my ability to express myself as who I really am as the breath and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I remain here in breath, and breathe, with no self interest and ulterior motive to have them like me or give me something, and really listen to others as if I am in their shoes and also within the point of being here with as them in every breath, where I am not in my mind at all / in any way, that within this I am enabling myself to respond to them in the most effective and supportive way possible.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so concerned with myself and if others like me or not, that I have missed the whole point of communication which is to support others as myself as I would like to be supported and listened to of which has nothing to do with me except that I remain here in breath and breathe while I listed and place myself in their shoes as them while I engage in conversation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if and when others reject me because of my words, that this has nothing to do with who I am as the physical and as the breath, and has everything to do with them and where they are in their process.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to check myself when and as I have ‘negative’, ‘neutral’, or ‘positive’ reactions from others to the words that I speak, to see if I have any self interest as my starting point of my words of which is the only thing that one has to look out for when speaking and communicating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in excitement and feeling good about myself when and as others react to my words the way that I wanted them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disappointment and insecurity when and as others don’t react to my words the way that I wanted them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what I have said in the past, as if I said something ‘wrong’ that will cause others to not give me what I want and need which is approval, self-security, and acceptance which leads to money, sex, and power.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that although on the surface my needs from others are as innocuous as just needing approval, self-security, and acceptance, that really the root of these is to have money, sex, and power so that I can experience myself in the most ultimate way possible.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my self-consciousness was actually a way for me to attempt to get what I want from others within and as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward, uncomfortable, and unnatural around others because of my self-consciousness, especially those whom I have more self-consciousness around.

To be continued….