Day 367 – Control Freak

I have noticed, although not obvious to most, that I am a bit of a control freak in regards to always trying to control my reality so that it stays in place, as it is now, without much deviation.  I have a fear of loss that drives me into a desire to control outcomes in my social experience so as to keep everything as is.  My approach is very subtle.  I do not make any demands of others specifically.  In contrast, I actually attempt to control others through the subtleties of my words and actions without notice.  So, its like a subtle ongoing manipulation of others that is so subtle that most people would not consider it so; but I see it and so I would like to stop this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control and manipulate others through the subtleties of my words, actions, and body language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of loss to exist within and as me, as fear of losing what I have / fear of not making money / fear of losing money / fear of losing my partner / fear of losing my kids / fear of losing my house and possessions / fear of losing my status in life as who I am within this system as it is now.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply suppress this fear of loss within and as me and then try to control reality so as to keep myself from having to face this fear manifesting, through the act of subtly attempting to control and manipulate others through my words, actions, and deeds (behaviors).  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through suppression of fear and then accepting and allowing this to change my personalities / characters to that of more controlling and manipulating – that through this I am actually increasing the chances of manifesting these fears in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the point of “who I would be, both in my eyes and in the eyes of others, if I were to not have what I have now in my life, or to loss everything”.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the polarities of being a “looser and thus inferior” should I indeed loose what I have now and then as a “winner and thus at least equal to others” so long as I have what it is that I have now and more.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself as subtle nervousness energy that permeates everything that I do as a reaction to my suppressed fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within what it is that I have now as my social network and possessions within the point that what I have now represents who I am as my self definition and thus losing it would mean that I loose who I am as my self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the self conscious character, as if it can protect me from saying something “stupid”, when and as I am engaged in conversation with those whose relationship I fear loosing because it fulfills my self definition of how I would like to define myself, have others see me, and experience myself within and as this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that accessing the self-conscious, nervous, manipulative, and controlling characters can in any way whatsoever protect from what I fear losing.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that accessing these characters only fuels, charges, and perpetuates the fear of loss character that exists within and as me that is driving these characters.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I cannot really loose anything because I am actually in-fact equal and one with all that is here as the physical.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the act of fearing loosing something, and then reacting to it with imaginations of that fear manifesting and who I would be within that, and then reacting in more fear to those imaginations – that this fear cycle only perpetuates itself over time and separates me into my mind and away from here, the physical, wherein I merge with this fear, the mind, and energy as if it is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a subtle controlling and manipulative behavioral personality / character that I participate in, in order to protect me from that what I fear loosing.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I cannot control the outcome of this physical existence nor can I really in-fact control or manipulate others to do anything that they do not want to do in the first place beyond for a limited time and duration.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that applying the controlling and manipulative characters will have to be done perpetually, within this point that so long as I keep fear of loss within and as me I will have to defend what I have, and thus I will be trapped in the energy of these characters wherein over time I increase the odds of my fears manifesting / fear of loss manifesting because this fear is driving me to act in ways that will create the circumstances, within and as me,  for me to actually realize this fear of loss in the physical.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the most effective, best for all, equal and one, worry free, and straightforward way to keep what I have is to simply have no fear of loosing it exist within and as me – wherein I face myself as who I am and would be within having what I have and within not having what I have – as in coming to the living realization that I would be one and the same, equal to all as me, no matter what my external circumstances dictate. 

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this fear of loss that I am experiencing is I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the controlling and manipulative characters are me, as who I am in fact – when they are not – these characters are just energy creations of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this self-conscious character is me, as who I am in fact – when it is not – this character is just an energy creation of mine that I created as a means to protect myself from that what I fear losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a self-definition exist within and as me of which creates a fear of loss as well as feeling of inferiority and superiority depending on how I fulfill this self-definition within and as my experience.