Day 112 – No More Arguing For My Limitations

There are times when something that I have done self-forgiveness on will come up again, and then I will go into all kinds of back-chats like 'why is this coming up I did self-forgiveness already' and 'why am I not changing' and 'see, I knew I could change' and this backchat is a door for me to make further excuses, reasons, and justifications to allow myself to participate again in whatever it is that I have done self-forgiveness on, and then I fall once again.

This happened to me with marijuana just a couple of weeks ago while on vacation. I had gone without pot for several months without any real significant desires in this area. I did not have it around me. Thoughts about it would come up, but I would stop them and that was it. Then, someone brought some marijuana to our family vacation. There are bunch of us up there all living in a cabin in the mountains for the week. When I became aware that there was marijuana up there, all of the sudden all of these desires came up based on memories of 'good times' to smoke. I starting thinking about how much more fun I would have if I were to smoke etc, and then I started to go into all of this self-pity / self-doubt about why am I having these thoughts in the first place – I already did self-forgiveness on this' and 'I knew I couldn't do this' and 'how many other things that I have done self-forgiveness on already will I fall given the right circumstances', etc. This back-chat opened the door to further excuses and justifications as to why I should stop 'resisting' (another justification – I am resisting/suppressing, so I have not really 'transcended, therefore I have failed'), and then after all of that I allowed myself to succumb to my mind. And of course, this further convinced me, at the time, that maybe I can't do this, as this is proof of my inability to really change.

So, what I am realizing here is that in all of this I am arguing for my limitations. Instead of realizing that everything that I have participated in over the years, that I am now changing and stopping with self-forgiveness, will always be with me as that is who I was for years and even my entire life. These things are not going to just vanish, so to speak. But because a thought may come up, to do this or to do that again, does not mean that I am a failure or that self-forgiveness does not work. What I am not realizing is that: I am not my thoughts. I am not the thoughts, temptations, and desires that come up in my mind. These thoughts, temptations, and desires I participated in for years and are not going to just vanish from existence. They are going to come up, but I choose to participate or I choose to stop in every moment of breath. These thoughts that come up are not evidence that I cannot change. These thoughts that come up are simply energy patterns of my mind that I created, yet I as the being that gives or takes power away from my mind by simply remaining here or not remaining here – I decide what these thoughts mean and what these thoughts are.

So, no more arguing for my limitations by giving up on myself just because a thought or desire comes up to do something that I have already done self-forgiveness on. Rather, when this comes up, I will use this a testing ground to ensure that I am really clear on any points that I have done SF on and will do more SF in writing if necessary to ensure that I am clear on any particular point. So, these thoughts, these remnants of the past, are cool support to act as self-checks to ensure that I am in-fact changing, and are definitely not something to get all depressed about and to make into proof that I am not changing or able to change.

So, when faced with a thought/desire to do something that I have written SF on, instead of going into self-pity that I just can't change etc, I use this as an opportunity to check myself so that I can stand as life and know that I am clear on all points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear thoughts and desires that I have done self-forgiveness on in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'because a thought or desire comes up to do something that I have already done self-forgiveness on in the past, that I am a failure or that this is proof that I can't really change' and then within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this as a justification to go into my desires and participate in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remind myself that 'I am not my thoughts' / 'I am not this thought' / 'I give or take away the power/energy of my thoughts'.

I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that 'I am not my mind and that all thoughts and desires are of my mind and are therefore not really who I am' And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind-consciousness system as if it were me and thus fear myself as if I am nothing more than a system.

When and as thoughts or desires come up to do something or think about something that I have already done self-forgiveness on or have already decided that I will stop, I stop and I breathe. I take my power back. I do not go into self-pity and self-victimization that these thoughts and desire are proof that I cannot change and that I am not changing. Instead I remaining here within and as the breath within as the physical.

And thus I commit myself to stopping my thoughts and desires in their tracks within and as the application of breathing – I choose the breath.

I commit myself to using these thoughts and desire as they come up as 'testing boards' as 'self-checks' to see if I am really standing / really clear, instead of using these as starting points to go into excuses, justifications, and reasons to why I should give my power away to my mind.

Day 111 – Thoughts, Thinking, and Mind Possessions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the pursuit of energy to fuel the systems that I live as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that every thought that I have is of a system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping all of my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within and as thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound/layer the energy from thoughts within and as my physical body by thinking and repeating thoughts over and over again in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by thinking thoughts over and over again, the energy from these thoughts compounds to a point that eventually have to release it within and as acting out in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the 'atrocities' in this world are there to show me the consequences of my participation in thoughts and thinking and that I am not different than the rapist, murderer, or molester in that I am feeding the same systems as they, only they are acting out in the physical what I am able to resist myself or redirect within and as an acceptable application within and as this world – such as having relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop my thoughts or that my world would be any less 'exciting / fulfilling' if I were to simply breathe and stop thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as patterns / thoughts patterns / personality patterns / emotional patterns / feeling patterns.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize / take my power back by seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am not the thoughts that I have, and therefore I can stop them before going into a certain pattern that is triggered by my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to my thoughts as they come up by participating in them when I can, as a solution, stop them by simply breathing and remaining here – proving to myself that I am not my thoughts and my thoughts do not possess / control me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as thinking / judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within and as my thoughts and self-judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all that is here, as my myself, within and as thinking, defining myself, and judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow thoughts and thought patterns to be repeated within and as my mind over and over again, which then compounds within my mind and physical body to a point of where I feel a need to release the energy of these thoughts within physical action – which is mind-possession where I as the physical am completely controlled and directed by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind-possessed / controlled by my mind because I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much and to think the same thoughts / thought patterns over and over again.

I see, realize, and understand that I am not my thoughts.

I realize that by thinking and participating in thoughts, that I become my thoughts

I realize that by thinking and participating in thoughts that I give my power away to my thoughts.

I realize that by stopping my thoughts even before they come up, that I take my directive power back in that I can stop the entire system that is activated by that thought in ONE breath and remain here.

I realize that by thinking and participating in thoughts over and over again, I set myself up to eventually become mind-possessed / completely controlled and directed in the physical by my mind.

I commit myself to stopping my thoughts when and as they come up – and even before they come up, as I see them coming up.

I commit myself to breathing as a solution.

I commit myself to investigating my thoughts and then writing about the patterns, emotions, feelings, characters that are related to my thoughts in an intricate web of mind-control, so that I can stop my thoughts, transcend my thoughts and live here as the physical in every breath

Day 110 – Fear of making Vlogs and Self Trust

I have a fear of making Vlogs. I fear that other's will see that I do not 'understand' that material. I also have a fear that I will 'misrepresent' myself or Desteni. I have confidence when writing, but not vlogging. Its as if I do not 'trust' myself to Vlog, so I don't, or I just do a Vlog every now and then. I need to Vlog. Vlogging is just another 'log' of my process, so that I can support myself on my journey to life. It's also great support for others. I know personally, that there are many who's Vlogs help get me to where I am now. And because Vlogging is a 'log', it does not have to be perfect. The idea is that is is a recording of where I am now in my progress/process in self-perfection, so that I can establish myself as 'this is where I am now' and I move forward from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making Vlogs of my process to the thought that 'I cannot make a Vlog because I do not understand that material completely'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I might be shown to be ignorant or confused about the what it means to be 'here' as life if I make a Vlog'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being shown to be 'igorant' or 'confused' if I were to make a vlog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I can only make a vlog if I understand everything completely and totally.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to make a Vlog, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-trust in the knowledge and information that I have acquired, instead of me here in every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself by defining my trust within knowledge and information that I have acquired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-trust in others, because I am too afraid to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say that other Destonians are more 'knowledgable' / further along in their process than me so that I can abdicate my responsibility for this world, to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and other destonians and then to go into the reaction of fear and resistance to making vlogs/exposing myself to be 'inferior' to others/them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others, separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust outside of myself, because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of myself and therefore not place trust within myself.

More on Self-Trust:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get other people to trust me, because if they trust me, I can manipulate and control them.

I forgive myself that for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust another, then when they betray and deceive me that this is equal and one to my starting point of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that therefore betrayal does not actually exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of trusting them in the first place, and therefore, I am responsible and cannot blame them for my feeling of being betrayed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do and who to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to tell me what to do and who to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in my memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in the amount of knowledge and information that I have acquired/memorized, and to within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge my knowledge and information that I have acquired as 'insufficient and incomplete and therefore inadequate to make Vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to my mind rather than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self-trust through continuously choosing my mind over me, following what my mind tells me to do, suppressing myself, instead of doing and saying what I see requires to be done or spoken in the moment within breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate other beings through NOT making vlogs within the point of NOT revealing myself and where I am in my process, so that I can hide from being seen as not knowing what I am doing within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as not knowing what I am doing in my process, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to manipulate others perceptions of me by hiding within the point of not making vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust outside of myself, because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility to make vlogs and document my process as much as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that self-trust exists within the moment of breath – when I don't rely on past/memories to tell me what to do and who to be, but apply self-honesty as me 'here' and express myself accordingly, in the moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to simply be 'here' and express myself in every moment of breath, as the breath, as the physical, as life – but instead I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only express myself as the memories of the knowledge, information, and understanding that I have acquired – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore compare the knowledge and information of others to my knowledge and information and then become fearful that I will be exposed for being 'inferior' in my knowledge and information that I have acquired, ignoring the fact that this entire construct is of the mind and does not actually exist and has nothing to do with real self-expression and who I am within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop self-trust within the point of breathing and expressing myself within and as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust within my mind and the accumulation of knowledge and information and understanding, instead of me here.

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into resistance to making vlogs because I do not trust myself to be able to express myself as life of life, within and as the knowledge and understanding of what it means to be life and of life, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that I am thus placing my trust within the knowledge, information, and understanding that I have acquired and then comparing myself to others and then judging myself as 'inferior' to others as a result – all of which does not really exist and is a complete mind-fuck because I have not trusted myself within and as each breath, here as life – and therefore I have not allowed /trusted myself to express myself as the breath, here, spontaneously, within each and every breath.

And thus, I commit myself to remain here and breathe and place myself self-trust within myself 'here' and then express myself within each breath that I take from the starting point of directing myself to simply do what is best for all and required to do in every moment of breath, here – without thinking about it / judging it / comparing myself / and placing my self trust within and as my knowledge and information on any given topic.

I commit myself to placing my trust within and as self of no mind, of no conditions, but I simply trust myself within each and every breath, here.

Day 109 – New Years Resolution

I am not always one to make a new years resolution, but this year, I would like to make one. In this new year, I am making the resolution to birth within myself / gift myself the qualities of self-commitment and self discipline. I would like to do this because I would am at a point where I need to accomplish a few things:

• I need to be able to stand within the system financially
• I need to be able to move myself within the expansion of my self-awareness to the utmost extent possible within the time that I have.
• I need to be able to assist and support my partner and children and then all of humanity to what is best for all.

On the first point, Standing Financially Within the System, I am, at this time, still dependent on help from others to survive within this system. I work hard, but this is still the case. I could develop myself to become more financially independent, and that would mean that I would have to face certain character 'traits' that are holding me back. I would have to transcend these traits through self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and following through with corrective application.

On the second point, Moving myself within the Expansion of my Self-Awareness – what I mean by this is the simple point of stopping my existence as a mind-consciousness system placement in this world within applying a total self-commitment within and supported by the self-discipline to choose first to do, always, what is best for all in every breath that I take. This means, to 'choose' to apply myself in every moment of breath. This means to write as much as possible. This means to research and support myself to expand my self-awareness of myself as much as possible. This means to support others and the group as much as possible. It is time now, to really see what I can do within the time that I have in these points. There is no more time to waste.

On the second point, to assist and support my partner and children and then all of humanity to what is best for all – Of course all beings are equal within my self-application here, but my partner and children I actually live with, so I need to have my focus on them to be there for them, as them, in every breath, kind of like my testing ground for my self-application. And of course, my children, I need to give them every opportunity to be as pure as possible so that when the come of age, transcending the mind will not be so difficult.

There are many topics of self-forgiveness that would assist in realizing this resolution, of which I will do in future posts.

Day 108 – Sleep Part II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I sleep less than 8 hours, that I am tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'I am tired'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I voice a thought in my head, I create energy and the experience of that thought as if it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tired within and as my physical body where I feel heavy and thus tell myself that I 'feel' tired, making it even more 'real' in my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe that if I sleep less than 8 hours per night, then I will be and feel tired.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the mind is busy 'recharging' itself while sleeping a full 8 hours and it is the mind that needs/requires 8 hours or more of sleep and that it is not me as the physical that needs 8 hours of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply breathe and be here in the presence of breath when and as I begin to experience the physical 'heaviness' of 'being tired', and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to voice in my head 'I feel tired' when and as I experience that physical heaviness of being tired and then this compounds and makes me really feel tired – when I see, realize, and understand that I need to only remain here and breathe and stop my mind completely when this whole system comes on to induce me to feel tired and then sleep more.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am addicted to energy and therefore need sleep as part of my mind-consciousness system design to 'recharge' itself so that it can/I can as the mind function fully as an energy creating system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the construct of energy to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by energy and the belief that energy is me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need energy to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy and the mind-consciousness system's 'need' for sleep.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the directive principle of me in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my responsibility to energy to manifest in my world telling me how I must be and how I must experience myself, instead of me expressing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'tiredness exists.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tiredness that I experience is induced by the energy of my mind when I participate in the thought that 'I am tired'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when and as I 'feel tired' that this feeling is meant to induce me to participate and voice the thought 'I am tired' which thus further energizes the 'I am tired' system demon, which creates and manifests an energetic experience of tiredness that I then believe to be real.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'energy' is the experience of a thought – when I think a thought, I believe that thought is me, I then manifest and experience that thought, voicing that thought and then I experience the 'energy' of that thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience energy fluctuation which is indicating to me that I am participating in energy because I have been participating in thoughts that I am tired', 'I need more sleep', 'My body feels tired and heavy', 'I cannot go on with less than 8 hours of sleep'.

When and as I see myself going into the physical experience of 'tiredness' that further causes me to desire to express that thought that 'I feel tired', 'I am tired', 'I need to sleep', I stop and I breathe and simply do not participate in these thoughts and breathe until the feeling of heaviness and tiredness dissipates because I see, realize, and understand that tiredness does not exist.

And thus, I commit myself to reducing the amount of sleep that I need progressively starting at 7.5 hours per night and then pushing through with stopping thoughts that 'I am tired' until I can progress to 7 hours, and then 6.5, and then 6 hours. From there, I commit myself to reducing my sleep needs to between 4 and 6 hours of sleep.

Day 107 – Energy Fluctuation and Tiredness

I am back at this point of sleep, tiredness, and feeling energy fluctuation. I have pushed this point before, tried to reduce my hours of sleep per night, been successful to a point, but then after a while the feeling/belief of tiredness overwhelms me to the point where I just have to get a full eight hours of sleep to catch up. Then after a while, I just 'give up' on this point and go back to 8 hours without even pushing for less sleep. That's where I've been for the last few months.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need 8 hours of sleep per night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel' tired and out of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'out of energy'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that my mind needs energy to feel alive and that I, as the physical, do not need energy and am always stable and constant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am out of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy actually exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by energy instead of me directing me in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to voice, in my head, that 'I am tired' and thus as a consequence actually experience tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thought 'I am tired' and 'I have no energy; is who I am and therefore believe these thoughts to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to voice and then believe a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to a thought and in that believe that the thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tiredness exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience energy in the belief that it is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy and the feelings of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when a thought comes to mind and I speak or voice this thought in my head, I then manifest this thought and experience this thought, which is called 'energy'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the experience of a thought is energy. And thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to participate in the thought that 'I am tired or do not have enough energy' is a way for me to have an energetic experience as the mind, which is a form of self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that energy is when a system and myself come together as one and I think/believe that I am that system and then therefore give my power away to that system and experience that system as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the energy of the tiredness system, believing that it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the energy derived from participating in the tiredness system, believing that it is real.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is the energy derived from the participation in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I am 'living' for as the mind, and thus the I am tired system and the I have no energy system are constructs that exist as a way/back door for me to obtain energy / the experience of energy by participating in the thoughts and feelings that 'I am tired' and 'have no energy'.

To be continued...

Day 106 – Addiction

I don't think I really understood the point of 'suppressing yourself' within addiction until just now. Yet this really is what one is doing within the point of addiction – 'getting away, escaping, suppressing' this experience of self that is unacceptable and 'too much' to bear.

I experienced this this week while on vacation while really pushing the point of simply breathing and remaining here throughout my day, of which has been a real test while on vacation because there is literally nothing to do here. We are up in the mountains for 9 days with hours on our hands to figure out what to do.

So, this has been really cool to see if I can stand in the face of having nothing to do to distract me. My experience has been that after a while, I begin to really feel as if I need to do something, anything more stimulating, more exciting, more entertaining accompanied with this anxiety as if I should be doing something more productive or more entertaining with the time that I have up here, almost a feeling of guilt, even.

So, as a 'solution' to this modest amount of anxiety and even guilt about my experience of having nothing to do, in order to suppress this experience of myself so that I can 'enjoy' my time up here, I 'gave-in' to someone up here with a little something to smoke. And it worked, I did manage to suppress these feelings of nervousness, anxiety, and guilt that come-up while not having anything to do on vacation. This is when I realized the reality of the fact that addictions serve to 'suppress' the experience of ourselves.

But, of course, the drug wears off, and then eventually one is left with oneself again, and hence that is when the real addiction occurs – the repeated use of a substance that serves to keep one suppressed as much as possible only to come back 'down' eventually and then to be faced with oneself again; only to find out that after coming down its even worse as the negative experience of self that I am suppressing becomes even more difficult to bear/compounded to the point that I/one eventually 'runs' to the substance as much as possible to completely suppress self constantly, if it were possible. This is not a way to live. This is not the definition of facing self.

A full on addiction, is not where I am at within my process. I have not used substances for quite a while now, it is just that I have been in a situation that obviously revealed to me that there is more work to be done here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use substances such as pot, alcohol and even food and sex to suppress the negative/emotional experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat and nagging feeling 'something's not right', that 'I need something more' and 'I am not satisfied' and 'I cannot just be here and breathe' that then leads to/energizes/charges/creates/triggers the emotional experience/characters of restlessness, anxiety, nervousness, and boredom that I then want to suppress through a substance such as marijuana, or alcohol, or food.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that 'I always have to be doing something and that I am being unproductive if I am not doing anything.' And within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an experience/character of restlessness, nervousness, and anxiety, and even guilt that I 'need to be doing something more than what is right here' when faced with 'free', un-allocated time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face my 'addiction' to pot and alcohol by remaining 'here' and simply not participating in the 'negative' experience of self.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use 'I am addicted' as an excuse to not stop participating within a relationship with food, alcohol, and pot because 'I am addicted, and I can't stop myself because it's out of my control'

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to realize that the experience of addiction is the experience of a synchronized relationship of my mind with something and because the relationship is formed I believe that I can not possible exist without that something because I have defined that something as me as one with me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself within my experience while on pot and alcohol as happy, as able to relax, as fulfilled, as feeling good and enjoying life – “the positive”, in separation of me here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need or require anything outside of me for me to be complete, fulfilled, and satisfied.

I forgive myself for not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I accept me as all as one as equal as me here, then I am already complete, fulfilled, and satisfied.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my experience of need and desire and create relationships of dependency with pot, alcohol, and food and sex or anything for that matter in my world, out there in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of just being right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to being 'here' and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am that what I fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self and to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want something more than to be right here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my desire to suppress the 'negative' experience of myself that is triggered by not having anything to do, by using the substances of pot and alcohol and food, and having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after 'positive' experiences of myself and to run from 'negative' experiences of myself. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself and my experience of myself into the polarity of the mind and energy and the energy that is created through participating in polarity/friction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am simply suppressing the 'negative' experience of myself that I have labeled and defined as boredom by and through the act of smoking pot or drinking alcohol or eating food when I am not hungry, or having sex with the intent to alleviate this boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live for only the 'positive' and then to suppress the negative with distractions, work, emotional dramas, television, and pot and alcohol if all these distractions are not enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke pot, drink alcohol, or have sex, or eat food in order to suppress the feeling/negative energetic experience of restlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke pot, drink alcohol, or have sex or eat food, in order to suppress the feeling/negative energetic experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I smoke pot will will be happy, and satisfied when in reality when I smoke pot I only 'feel' happy and satisfied, but am not living happy and satisfied as me, as an expression of me in every moment of breath. And therefor, I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the energetic experience of happiness and satisfaction is not real and only lasts as long as the positive charge/high can last and then its back to the negative experience of self, again – and that to live as the expression of happy and satisfied is lived in every 'here' breath, is a living expression that is constant and never fades, and is not of any positive or negative energy or energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from my past, or unresolved issues of my past, within suppressing myself with pot, alcohol, or sex addiction, or food addiction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop a self-intimacy wherein I explore my past/memories and then sort them out, step by step, breath by breath forgiving my past/memories that still haunt and control me to this very day, so that I can establish myself within and as self-trust, and self-intimacy in every moment so that I can stand here in every breath as the breath, stable, constant, and the same – not changing to a positive or negative energetic experience of myself being directed by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by energy, and thereby be subject to the mind/energy of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions – and therefore within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that being directed by the mind prohibits me from being able to develop any real self-intimacy and self-trust which is the result of standing with myself as self-support so that I can stand 'here' in every breath in need of nothing to satisfy me, to fulfill me, or to distract me from my experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as cool and fun to be around within and as the use of pot and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my man-hood within and as the act of sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that body-high feeling of pot and having sex while on pot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the desire to feel that way I feel physically while on pot, all tingly where everything feels 'better'. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give that physical 'feeling' up – to even fight for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find a myriad of excuses and back-doors to smoking pot which are mostly related to the physical “high”/feel go feeling that I experience that I don't want to give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the questions 'who is it hurting' to make the excuse to continue smoking pot 'just one more time'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse 'just one more time' to smoke pot and then to ignore the realization that there always going to be a 'just one more time' moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot bear to live without the tingly good physical feeling of being high on pot; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use that as one of my primary back-doors to going back and smoking it 'just one more time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the memory of myself while on pot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the desire to repeat the memories of the experience of myself while on pot within the point of fear of losing that experience of myself while on pot, as if not smoking pot will cause me to suffer the loss of myself – the memory of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'life' would be 'less' fulfilling and 'less' satisfactory should I not smoke pot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'life' would be 'less' fulfilling and satisfying and that I might seem 'boring' to others should I not drink alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-consumed with the quality of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into the 'negative' energy experience of not having what it is that I desire, such as to feel good at all times, and then to believe that I am therefore not really living my life and have nothing to live for without that positive/good energetic feeling of happiness and enjoyment. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn smoking pot to give me a quick fix to get 'there' – to that point of bliss and feeling good, and thus suppress the always eternal point of boredom and low/negative energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as the emotional feeling of 'restlessness' within the point that I cannot just stay still and also feel that I need to be doing something although there may not be anything to actually do – and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am thus separated from 'here' within my mind conjuring desires and going into desires just to find ways to take me away from 'here' and into and as the energy of my mind and the positive energy of doing things that I have defined as exciting, fulfilling, entertaining, stimulating, and satisfying.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is a never ending mind-fuck cycle, that I am forever trapped in this chase for the most positive/exciting/stimulating experience within the point that by doing so I automatically create myself as the negative as a consequence within the starting point that I am not already the things/experiences that I chase and that I am not already what I desire – as I am all as one as equal.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the Addicted Character in order for me to get what I want – the energy of feeling good.

When and as I see myself going into the desire to smoke pot, I stop and I breathe and I do not participate in the back-chats that lead to the desire because I see, realize, and understand that by doing so I am energizing my mind and giving my power away until the point that I 'break' and then am possessed by my mind to do its bidding. I also see, realize, and understand that what I really want to do is to suppress the negative experience of myself that is ongoing so that I do not have to live it, and that by suppressing this experience I am only making it worse and it will always come back – moreover by suppressing this experience I see, realize, and understand that I am separating myself into my mind / totally mind possessed.

And thus, I commit myself to stopping my 'addiction' and desires to smoke pot once and for all by simply breathing and remaining 'here' when the back-chats and the desires start until these mind patterns dissipate and go away due to the fact that I am refusing to energize them with my participation.

When and as I see myself going into the desire to suppress myself / my experience of myself through the use of pot, alcohol, sex, and even food, I stop and I breathe and I take my power back within and as the breath and remind myself that I am right 'here' already complete and in need of nothing and that this 'negative' experience of self is only in the mind and of the mind and that all I need to do is stop energizing it / giving it the power to exist through my participation.

And thus I commit myself to stopping the negative experience of self through breathing and also through further writing to write out all the constructs and memories and patterns that are directing me so that I can further stop this negative experience of self.

When and as I see myself going into the fear that I am going to loose something / the good-times / the good physical feeling that comes with smoking pot – in other-words when and as I see myself going into the fear of loss in relation to pot / not smoking pot, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the only thing that I will be loosing is the emotional experience of my mind and that in reality I am right here complete and whole and in need of nothing, already.

And thus, I commit myself to stopping this fear of loss in regards to my experience while smoking pot through breathing through these fears within the realization that they only exist within and as the mind in separation of me, here.

And thus, I commit myself to breathing and stopping my mind and the patterns of excuses and justifications to smoke pot, drink alcohol, eat too much food, and have sex to escape the negative experience of self through breathing and bringing myself back here.

I realize that I am already complete and in need of nothing.

I realize that looking for things 'outside' of me to fulfill and satisfy me is separation.

I realize that addiction does not really in-fact exist.

I realize that I do not need anything to enhance my experience of myself.

I realize that suppressing my experience of myself is not that answer, and that it will only result in the compounding of negative experience of myself making which is the fuel of addiction – in other-words, addictions feed on themselves. The more one participates, the more one needs to use because the negative experience of self compounds and then actually becomes worse and even more intolerable.

I commit myself to standing in the absolute equality and oneness of breath in ever moment.

I commit myself to standing as all as one as equal in every breath.

I commit myself to breathing when faced with back-chats and emotional feelings, instead of loosing myself to the mind.