Day 225 – CSC on Days 223 and 224

When and as I see myself stepping into the comparison and judgment characters where I compare and judge others in my mind and then start getting aggravated / frustrated / annoyed / angry within and as my mind.  I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to compare and judge others and then react emotionally within and as my mind because I see, realize, and understand that within this I am not living within and as equality and oneness with others as myself and that as a consequence I am separating myself into and as my mind and thus giving the directed power of me to my mind.  I see, realize, and understand that by suppressing these judgments, comparison, and then reactions of frustration that I am setting myself up for a future outburst reaction where I cannot ‘contain it any longer’ because the energy has built up within and as me / my mind to a ‘boiling point’ where I feel as if I just need to let it all out.

Thus, I commit myself to stop judgment and comparisons the moment that I see them arising within and as my mind as me by simply stopping them as soon as I see them arise within and as me by directing myself / my awareness to my breath – where I breathe deeply in and out.  I breathe in the judgments and comparisons and then breathe them out and within that I commit myself to not allow myself to move within my mind until I am clear, here, and aligned within and as my physical body.  From there, I direct myself to speak or think self-forgiveness on the comparisons and judgments of others so as to fully release them thus releasing any and all build up of emotional charges that will have to be eventually released otherwise.

I commit myself to working through the judgment and comparison characters that exist within and as me with further writings to further assist me in stopping these judgments and comparisons that are setting me up for future outbursts of frustration / annoyance / anger / and even revenge.

When and as I see myself in a situation where someone who I have judged before, in separation of myself as that person – where that person is acting / behaving in the same way which acts as trigger for me to act out in frustration / anger / annoyance characters, I stop and I breathe.  I preemptively slow myself down and remind myself that I have made judgments / comparisons of this being before and thus forgive myself in that moment to release any and all built up energy.   Thus, I commit myself to remain here in the breath, stable while in another’s presence so that I can speak and interact equal and one of no reactions.

When and as I see myself stepping into the backchat ‘I cannot take this any loner’, ‘this person has crossed the line’, ‘I must act now’, ‘and I cannot contain myself from this point.’ While in the presence of someone of whom I have had the same issues with before that I have compared and judged thus setting myself up for a future lashing out – I stop and I breathe.  I delete this backchat as soon as I see it arise within and as myself.  I see, realize, and understand that me as the breath as the director of me can stop all backchat and emotions and reactions by simply breathing and remaining here, stable, within and as the breathe as my physical body.  I thus, commit myself to take directive power over my backchat and immediately switch the program to say ‘I am here.  I am can remain here and not react’ and thus stop the backchat, and instead breathe and not even speak to the other until I am clear and stable within and as the breath.  I commit myself to choose breathing over the reaction of stepping into the characters of anger / frustration / annoyance – until I am clear.  I commit myself to removing myself from the other beings presence, if that is what it takes in order for me to clear myself.  I commit myself to then forgive all the reactions and backchats that arised from the trigger of being in someone’s presence who ‘crossed the line’ so thus to clear myself in that moment.  I commit myself to allow myself to speak only after I am clear. 

Day 224 – Judgment / Suppression / Physical possession continued

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I accept and allow myself to create judgments of others as back-chats / internal dialogs in my head that I, depending on the judgments, am creating a positive or negative energy charge that is then contained within and as me that then will have to be eventually released / acted upon when the appropriate trigger occurs.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when the trigger occurs – that moment when something in my external world has triggered the stored energy of those judgments to activate into more backchat / internal conversations / personalities / characters that rush forth into my mind as accumulated thoughts all happening at once and then that backchat becomes so overwhelming that I then go further into the backchat of ‘I cannot contain this anymore.  I must act on this – that this is the time for me to step in and be self-directive and say ‘I stop’ but instead the energy by that time is too overwhelming for me and swoops me up into like a storm because I haven’t been self-directive before that point when I was able to manage and stop the energy when it was less intense.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgments of others, positive or negative, instead of stopping those judgments with self-forgiveness and breath in the moment – thus clearing those judgments in the moment so that they will not come back to haunt me in the future.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I go into a mind-possession where my mind literally takes control of my physical body and behavior- that this possession occurred because of memories that I have stored in the past that have accumulated overtime to a point where they become the foundation for a total mind-possession.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that mind-possessions are only possible through not being here equal and one with the breath in every moment that then thus accumulates into systems that can possess me – thus mind possession show me who I have been in the past – that I have not been living in equality in the past. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind to direct me with internal conversations, comparisons, and judgments and that within this where am I?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back-chat ‘I must act on this at this time.  I cannot let this go.’ when and as someone or something has triggered past stored memories of judgments that I have made to surface and then go into a total mind possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mind possession where I act on all those judgments that I have made where I take a backseat to my mind as it reels in the energy of acting on all the stored emotions and feelings that I have accepted and allowed over time to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the directive power over me where I am here in every breath directing me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I were always here living as the breath then there would be no memories as judgments to accumulate and direct once a certain trigger occurs because I would always be living her in the present instead of the past.

223 – Painting a Pretty Picture of Myself by Suppressing the ‘bad’ Side and then exploding

223 – Painting a Pretty Picture of Myself by Suppressing the ‘bad’ Side and then exploding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present a pretty picture of myself both to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the picture I present to others and to myself is the real me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control what others see me as by presenting as image / picture of myself to them that I believe they want to see me as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge emotions such as anger, resentment, aggravation, hatred, annoyance as bad / negative in separation of myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from myself and others within showing only to myself and others a picture presentation of a more positive picture of myself where I am easy going, happy, caring, smiling, and calm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger, resentment, aggravation, annoyance within and as myself so that I do not have to see it and face it nor does anyone else have to see it so as to avoid a negative judgment upon myself from others.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that suppression of these emotions is no solution to stopping them and also that suppression will lead me to a point of eventual explosion / letting it all out when I can no longer suppress them anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others in the secrecy of my mind and then suppress those judgments so that I do not have to see them or face them – and then present to others the pretty picture of myself instead.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow those judgments to accumulate and build within and as me / my mind to a point where a certain trigger, like that what I judged is now here in front of me in my face taunting me, and then that becomes the trigger where I give myself permission to go into an emotional explosion and thus act on the judgments that I have made in the past that have accumulated to a point where I can no longer contain it anymore.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how suppressing judgments of others and then presenting a pretty picture instead only accumulates and builds to a point where I cannot contain it any longer and then let it all out at once in one big ‘explosion’ where then the picture cannot be presented any longer and the real me comes out in full force – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself by believing that suppression serves any purpose whatsoever as in reality I cannot really in-fact suppress anything.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that suppressing judgments and backchat within and as my mind acts like loading bullets in a gun / acts like stored energy bullets in a gun that eventually have to be released.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression can really help me paint a pretty picture of myself because in reality it will accumulate to a point where I can no longer hide behind the pretty picture as the energy stored will reach a point of total possession over me / my mind.

 

222 – Emotional Explosions? Who Me? Never!

Ok, so like I just got done writing about little emotional explosions and then bang! The big one came just yesterday!  This is interesting too, because I don’t remember the last time I ‘let it out’ like this. 

So, perhaps I am a very controlled person where I suppress a lot of anger and aggravation within and as me; and then, at points in time, where I feel ’I have just had enough’, I let it out small spurts - expressed usually as a form of sarcasm with a slightly raised tone and volume of voice; and then sometimes, very, very rarely actually, the suppression builds to a point where I like let it all out in a big emotional explosion.  But even then, I let it out in a controlled way, as in the back of my mind I am like ‘this is not me’, ‘this is not ‘right’ – and within that I am still like in a form of a ‘controlled demolition’.  Thus, I never take to a point of physical action or confrontation, but just short of that in some cases sometimes, seems to be the case. 

It is painful writing this out.  I want to paint the picture of some ‘peace-loving’ guy who has all this common sense and would ‘never’ allow such anger / aggravation / frustration to control and move me to such a degree.  But, within that one statement, I can see that I am not living in equality as I seek to present myself both to myself and others as someone that I am not actually living as; but instead I am painting a picture using suppression and the resistance as I seek to control the anger / frustration / resentment / aggravation instead of release it all together through self-forgiveness.  And when I say release, I don’t mean let it bottle up and then reach a breaking point.  What I mean is release it in that exact moment that I see it when it is small in self-forgiveness where it is completely difused in that moment – thus it never is suppress or bottled-up, but rather release at the moment with self-forgiveness to be followed with remembering to breathe and align myself within and as the physical thus dissolving it in the moment altogether so that I never have a point in time where my back-chat and emotional reactions accumulate or build to a point of outburst or a point of blowing up.  That is what I need to address.   That is what my self-forgiveness will be about in the next post. 

Also, on an existential level, I also see how this suppression as an attempt to control my emotions, instead of release them altogether through self-forgiveness is outwardly expressed as war and violence of all kinds – thus I see how I am also not only supporting war but causing war as I am one and equal with everything that is here – as it is all me, really. 

So, this point needs to be addressed.  I would like to see me get to a point to where I am able to remain here within and as the breath no matter the situation, no matter the fear, no matter the blame, etc.  I have, after all, committed myself to stand absolute.  That means what it means.  No more time today.  Until the next post. 

Day 221 – Allowing ‘little’ emotional explosions

There inevitably comes a point in time where I go into the belief that I have reached my limit and thus ‘let it rip’ with some form of an emotional ‘explosion’ that is short-lived, and then from there I go back to ‘normal’ / business as usual.  In those moments, I have a thought ‘I just cannot bear this.  It’s too much’ thus within this thought I give myself permission let it out.  Usually, when I believe that it is ‘too much’ this is due to a fear of consequences or potential consequences and also a point of blame exists where like I am angry at someone or a particular situation or course of events that is ‘outside of my control’ that is adversely or potentially adversely affecting me.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to explode with an emotional outburst of yelling and cursing when and as I perceive that something I fear may happen to me and that it is not my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the outflow of consequences that I experience and face in my own life’s course.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that although others may be the actual cause of an outflow of consequence that adversely affects me, that regardless, I am to blame for this existence in its entirety within and as my starting point of separation where I am only concerned with my experience of energy and how I have defined myself in relationship to it – which has thus indirectly created and manifested my experience and this existence as it is now.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all beings and all events are merely mirrors showing me and reflecting me back to me and thus when I blame others and circumstances, I blame myself – in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that ‘I can only take so much’ and then within that belief, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief to justify the release of an outburst of anger or frustration where I yell and cuss until I have finally let it all out and then return to business and usual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘this is too much to bear.  I cannot stand through this.  I must get angry and let it all out’ when and as I find myself in that moment, that moment where the walls appear to be closing in on me and I appear to be totally fucked within the point that I may have consequences closing in on me that I do not belief that I can handle or bear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the belief that there is only so much that I can bear and handle – in effect I am showing myself that I do not have self-trust to be able to stand through anything that I face.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself to be able to be here and face anything and everything that comes my way – all of the consequences that I must face that I myself have created in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the point of accepting and allowing myself to go into outbursts of anger and frustration as ‘solution’ that I am not trusting myself to be able stand here as the breath, as the physical, of life – as the real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotional reactions as a solution instead of just simply standing here and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that emotional reactions of frustration and anger are never a solution and affect nothing.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to standing here and remaining unmoved within and as the breath when things seem to be getting bad or adverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear reaction towards things that seem to be ‘too much to bear and that might be bad for me’ instead of remaining here as the breath as the solution.

When and as I see that I am in the heat, the moment of testing – where it looks like the shit might hit the fan and ‘bad scary things’ might happen to me – I stop and I breathe and immediately remind myself that I am here, I am the physical, I am the breath and that the solution is to always align myself within and as the breath / the physical and to just simply breathe stopping my reactions - and from that starting point I direct me to find the most practical solution based upon what is here and what I am facing.  Thus, I commit myself to remain here as the breath, within self-trust, and direct myself to do what is most affective to bring about a solution.  I commit myself to find solutions with without any emotional reactions of frustration and anger as I see, realize, and understand that frustration and anger is no solution.

 

 

Day 220 – The belief that I need energy to exist and be happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need energy, the energy of the mind, to be happy and to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the creation and generation of energetic experiences as feelings of excitement and happiness instead of living right here and breathing and living as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief that ‘life is not worth living’ if I am not always being entertained and possessing feelings of excitement and happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be curious of where my thoughts might lead when I see, realize, and understand that my thoughts will only lead me into internal conversations that in-turn will lead me into emotional and feeling experiences within and as my mind in separation of here, equal and one living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to con myself into believing that my thoughts have something to offer me that I don’t already have.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the more that I participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions – the stronger they wax and gain control over me to a point that I feel as if ‘I must take action’ thus further enslaving me to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself in separation from myself as everything – secret desires to possess things and experience things in order to bring me happiness, excitement, and stimulation in order to feel like I am really living.

When and as I see myself going into the belief / thought that ‘my thoughts have something to offer me and I must participate in them and fulfill my desires in order to be happy and satisfied with life’, I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that I am here already, as the physical, as the breathe, of life – in need of nothing to be here, content, satisfied, and happy.  I thus, commit myself to speak out load self-forgiveness in the moment that I see that I have a desire to go in and follow my thoughts, my impulses, my desires to be fulfilled, entertained, and stimulated – so as to stop myself in that moment and breathe and live here, equal and one, as the physical, of life.

Day 219 – Standing Absolute

It is time I face myself within this point of standing absolute.  I see, realize, and understand that when I don’t stand absolute, the mind will find ways to reconstitute itself to a point where the initial pattern I worked through eventually comes back.  It comes back in different ways as it finds new ways to re-establish itself, which thus requires re-walking the same point again thus prolonging my process --- can you say time-looping?

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to stand absolute both within patterns and systems that I have already done self-forgiveness on and also on patterns and systems that I see in the moment that I have not yet done self-forgiveness on.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by not standing absolute, I am not only creating the conditions within and as myself to time-loop and prolong my process, but I am also accepting and allowing the same patterns to exist in others thus within that point, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by not standing absolute, I am standing as the problem thus bringing about and supporting all the suffering and pain in this world, and not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to go so long until I ‘give-in’ to the systems, the patterns, the personalities, and the characters of the mind that constitute entertainment for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the belief, as a matter of justification, that “I need to have at least some stimulation in order to really live and be happy.’  Within that self-created belief and justification, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand and to also ignore the outflow of consequence of holding onto such a belief / justification, within the point that within holding on to and participating in this, I am accepting and allowing everyone else is to do the same, thus creating a world of death and suffering for us all.   Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support this world as it exists now and thus allow and give permission for it to exist as it does now -where beings suffer from war, famine, poverty, loss, humiliation, degradation, and abject sadness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am one of the ‘lucky’ ones on this planet that have the ability to indulge in stimulating activities in order to satisfy my craving for entertainment while most beings are lucky to even be able to eat.  Thus, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an abuser of life where I indulge in my mind and that which creates positive energetic experiences in my mind that thus supports this existence as it is now – Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through accepting and allowing myself to not stand absolute, I am thus supporting and giving my permission to abuse others who are not so fortunate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – in that one moment of opportunity to say ‘no, I stop’ and then simply breathe, instead give in to the back-chat of ‘just one last time,’ and ‘why not’, and ‘I need at least some energy / positive experience’, and ‘I cannot do this.’ and ‘life is too boring without this’ – and then partake thus extending my process and giving approval for all the suffering of this world that exists as an outflow of consequence for me participating in the energy experiences of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by not standing absolute I fuck myself within the point that although I may have worked through an entire point and stood for the most part, that because I am not standing absolute that the system or point that I just transcended will slowly but surely find its way back and reconstitute itself in slightly different ways that require walking the point again, AKA time-looping – thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by allowing myself to not stand absolute I am actually going nowhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the backchat that I go into in that final point of breathing, where I have been breathing all the way up to this final point / final test - of ‘I cannot do this’, ‘life is too boring without this’, ‘I need at least some positive energy experience to be happy and satisfied’ – is me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this backchat is not me, but rather it is pre-programmed thoughts of the mind that I myself programmed but can also stop and undue the program through deciding to stand and breathe and say ‘no, I stop.  I am here.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the justifications character where I use various excuses and justifications about how I just need at least a little bit of this energy experience in order to be satisfied and happy and truly live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify ‘giving-in’ to the energy needs of my mind within the self-created belief and backchat that ‘I have been breathing for too long and just cannot go any longer.’

When and as I see myself stepping into the justifications character where I come-up with various excuses and justifications about how I need to experience energy and thus cannot stand absolute – I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this to exist within and as me because I see, realize, and understand that by not standing absolute I am both giving permission for this reality to exist as it does now and also prolonging my process within the point of time-looping where eventually I will have to face everything again.

Thus, I commit myself to stand in that moment of testing / that moment where I have been breathing for ‘too long’ and cannot go any longer by reminding myself in that moment that this is just more systems and backchat of the mind and it is not me.  I am right here.  I breathe.  I stop.  And in that moment, I direct myself to remain here and breathe through these beliefs, justifications, and backchats because I see, realize, and understand that these are not really me and are of systems that require energy that if not fed will dissipate and go away while I remain here standing.

I commit myself to stand to the end, absolute.

I commit myself to never miss another breath of my own will.

I commit myself to stand as the physical of life, here.