222 – Emotional Explosions? Who Me? Never!

Ok, so like I just got done writing about little emotional explosions and then bang! The big one came just yesterday!  This is interesting too, because I don’t remember the last time I ‘let it out’ like this. 

So, perhaps I am a very controlled person where I suppress a lot of anger and aggravation within and as me; and then, at points in time, where I feel ’I have just had enough’, I let it out small spurts - expressed usually as a form of sarcasm with a slightly raised tone and volume of voice; and then sometimes, very, very rarely actually, the suppression builds to a point where I like let it all out in a big emotional explosion.  But even then, I let it out in a controlled way, as in the back of my mind I am like ‘this is not me’, ‘this is not ‘right’ – and within that I am still like in a form of a ‘controlled demolition’.  Thus, I never take to a point of physical action or confrontation, but just short of that in some cases sometimes, seems to be the case. 

It is painful writing this out.  I want to paint the picture of some ‘peace-loving’ guy who has all this common sense and would ‘never’ allow such anger / aggravation / frustration to control and move me to such a degree.  But, within that one statement, I can see that I am not living in equality as I seek to present myself both to myself and others as someone that I am not actually living as; but instead I am painting a picture using suppression and the resistance as I seek to control the anger / frustration / resentment / aggravation instead of release it all together through self-forgiveness.  And when I say release, I don’t mean let it bottle up and then reach a breaking point.  What I mean is release it in that exact moment that I see it when it is small in self-forgiveness where it is completely difused in that moment – thus it never is suppress or bottled-up, but rather release at the moment with self-forgiveness to be followed with remembering to breathe and align myself within and as the physical thus dissolving it in the moment altogether so that I never have a point in time where my back-chat and emotional reactions accumulate or build to a point of outburst or a point of blowing up.  That is what I need to address.   That is what my self-forgiveness will be about in the next post. 

Also, on an existential level, I also see how this suppression as an attempt to control my emotions, instead of release them altogether through self-forgiveness is outwardly expressed as war and violence of all kinds – thus I see how I am also not only supporting war but causing war as I am one and equal with everything that is here – as it is all me, really. 

So, this point needs to be addressed.  I would like to see me get to a point to where I am able to remain here within and as the breath no matter the situation, no matter the fear, no matter the blame, etc.  I have, after all, committed myself to stand absolute.  That means what it means.  No more time today.  Until the next post.