Day 226 – I am just a bunch of characters

The more that I work through process the more that I can see how my mind activates in characters throughout the day.  I can see these characters activating, going from one to another like a continuous stream.  Just a word from another can activate / trigger an entire character to play out and possess me for a time just to be taken over by another character when the energy of the last one runs its course. 

It seems to me that I have a group of characters that are taking the stage most of the time.   This group of characters is my main personality.  My main personality contains a bunch of characters that I primarily access in a certain pattern throughout the day and present these characters to others.  Or at least, I present the positive characters to others, while the negative characters I suppress and keep within the confines of my mind.

The negative characters that arise within my mind that I see often are annoyance, frustration, spite, revenge, ego – superiority / inferiority games, comparison, anxiety, nervousness, stress, judgment, control, apprehensive, manipulation, suppression, and fear.  And really, all these characters boil down to fear.  Just a word, or a few words spoken in the right sequence, in the right tonality, from the right person, at the right time will trigger these characters into activation where if they go unstopped will completely mind- possess me.  I go through the back-chat associated with these characters for a certain amount of time and then eventually these characters fade to be replaced by another.

The positive characters that I see that arise within me are humor, excitement, positive energy, belief, idea, wish, desire, and whatever else works to influence another, or even myself, to have my way – to increase me positive energy experience and self-perception so that I can feel good about myself, feel alive, and feel superior or at least worthy of life, of being part of this existence – my own self-interest.  And even these positive characters have a starting point of fear as I present these characters because I am afraid to present any other characters to me or anyone else because I am afraid of being seen for who I really am.  So, the positive characters, and thus positively, is driven and has its starting point from the negative.  Like I present myself within the humorous character because I am afraid that no one will like me otherwise, etc.

So, often I will work through a negative character in the confines of my mind, just to switch characters to a positive one once I am in the presence of someone else because of the self interest that if I were to present the ‘wrong’ character I might cause trouble and not get what I want, need, and desire.   And within that, I can see that I do in-fact have the ability to stop my characters.  I stop my characters when it serves my self-interest as the mind – as a mind consciousness system that lives for the energy generated and experienced by participating in these characters.  Thus, I do have the power to stop these characters for a new form of self-interest – my self-interest as life, as the physical, as the breath – as a living physical being. 

It’s time to stop living in character and start living here as the directive principle of me free of the limitations of all characters.  You see, living within characters creates limitations.  One is limited within one’s self expression and even abilities within the confines of the characters.  Within the fear character, one is limited to only go to the boundaries of what one fears – beyond that is prohibited.  I am done playing roles.  I am done generating energy for my mind to feel alive / to experience being alive. 

Sometimes, I accept and allow myself to become possessed by my mind to seek out an experience that makes me feel good in some way.  This is the experience character.   Within this character, I suddenly feel like I am out of energy / I am bored – and thus I need something to lift me up.  Within that point of participation, I lead myself to the next level where I start coming up with ideas / the idea character to try to find something energizing so that I can experience the excitement character.  Maybe I find something, and even if I do, I just run through this character until the energy fades, as it always does, and I am left with myself back in the boredom character.  See, this happens to you too.  Do you really want to keep living like this?  Is this really living?  Do you really think you are alive within this?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a back-seat to the rocky-horror-picture show that is all of my various characters activating from one to another like a string of energy generating events that exists within and as my mind is separation from what is actually here – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here, from the physical into the confines of my mind / within the limitation of my mind – all so that I can just get some fucking energy. 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within acting in character, I am just simply supporting and giving permission for everything to exist as it does in the exact detail that it exists now in every single manifestation that is here on this planet – from war, to rape, to murder, to child abuse, to pornography, to the abuse of animals, to torture – everything  - because all these abuses are caused by others who are just acting in character – just like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within acting in character.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am in-fact abusing myself within acting in character because I am within this suppressing myself to a point where I, as life, hardly even really exist anymore.  I forgive myself that I have also accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body within acting in character because acting in character requires energy, which is derived from my physical body, which damages the physical body in the process.

Thus, I commit myself to stand-up for life, to stand up for equality where I end all abuse by ending the self abuse that I commit within and as myself through abusing myself within acting in character.  I commit myself to sort these characters out, one by one, and through that recreate myself as life, as the physical – as a physical breathing being that lives here in the moment free of any and all characters.

When and as I see myself going into any character at all – I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that I am not this character and that I can stop.  The choice is mine.  And I apply myself within writing, self-forgiveness, and corrective application to stop.