Day 400 – Getting Back into the Swing of Things

Its been a few weeks since I have posted any writings. I've been busy with holidays, vacations, job interviews, and now it seems that I am just not quite disciplined enough to make a little time to keep up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications as to why I cannot write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my holiday schedule to bleed into inconsistencies with my other commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the self-responsibility to get back into my regular schedule promptly so that I can apply myself within my commitment to write my process on a daily or almost daily basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the time that has passed in posting writings to be a mounting resistance to making new writings within the point that the longer I go without writing the harder it is to get back into the discipline of writing. Within this, I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that I have made in the past that: to stop the mind, one must act within an almost daily discipline of self-forgiveness, especially in written form, on order to diminish the mind and increase self's being-ness expression. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have also ignored the realization that the longer I go without the discipline of daily self forgiveness, the more and more the mind will re-substantiate itself and draw me back into within and as it and thus the more and more I loose myself back into the mind and the more and more difficult it thus becomes to get back into writing out my process of stopping the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing because of “not having enough time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not writing self forgiveness because “I have nothing to write about in the moment” and then react to that thought with resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energetic experience of resistance to writing process because it is “too difficult / too time-consuming / I cannot think of anything to write about” when I see, realize, and understand that these are all justifications of the mind to keep my trapped in the mind.

When and as I see myself going into resistance to writing, for any justification whatsoever, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into and be directed by the energy of resistance because I see, realize, and understand that within this I am not really living nor am I directing myself, but my mind is living for me. Thus, I commit myself to remind myself of this immediately when and as resistance comes up, then from there I commit myself to breathe slowly the 4 count breath until I am clear and stable and not being directed by any energies. From here, I commit myself to assess my time and apply myself to writing if it is a practical option, such as having at least 20 minutes and a quite environment – if those 2 things exist, I commit myself to remind myself that I do have the time and thus I commit myself to apply myself to sit down and write. I commit myself to also get back into my regular schedule where I write in the early mornings, when I am most clear, have most quite, and the most time. I commit myself to achieve this by going back to bed at my regular hour, around 9pm, so that I can wake up early and take care of my ultimate responsibility of stopping my mind and living for real as the physical of life.

Day 399 – Fear of Poverty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the idea of being in poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my fear of the idea of being in poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the idea of losing money especially when I already do not have that much money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear can protect me from loosing money and from poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and then react / connect fear to my projecting of them judging me as being in poverty and thus a looser and inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of poverty to act as a trigger to trigger worry and then more fear in reaction to my worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen by others as in poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to pay bills and then going into debt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be react in jelousy and envy of others who are able to make millions and billions of dollars in this system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven to succeed through a fear of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the desire to be super-rich as a reaction to my fear of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as equal to others unless I am able to make millions and billions of dollars. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that others are rejecting me because I do not make anything close to millions and billions of dollars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my worth is my net-worth in dollars and cents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a fear of poverty / fear of losing money / fear of not making enough money with worry about the future and imaginations about being in poverty or losing everything and then react in more fear to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear of poverty to trigger thoughts and imaginations that I become trapped in separating me from here / from physical reality where I am lost in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that getting lost in my mind does not do anything to protect me from what I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going into poverty through reacting in fear to the idea of going into poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destabilize my mind within the point of being mind-possessed with fear of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in a constant state of stress due to my constant fear of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense my body / muscles, especially my shoulder muscles as a way to keep myself in constant “protection” mode to protect me from my fear of poverty.

When and as I see myself stepping into the fear of poverty character, where I react in fear and then worry to the idea / perception / belief of being in poverty I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to embody or possess a fear of poverty for any reason whatsoever. I see, realize, and understand that fear of poverty does nothing to protect myself from being in poverty and actually increases the chances that I remain in poverty due to its destabilizing effects on my mind and physical body. I commit myself to stop my fear of poverty by stopping any and all fear reactions to the idea of poverty, losing money, or not making enough money by reminding myself that fear does nothing to protect me. whatsoever and that, if anything, fear increases the odds / chances of what I fear happening, happening. Thus, I commit myself to stand as relaxed at all times, breathing, and stopping all fear when and as it arises within and as me by reminding myself that fear does nothing to protect me and then breathing / aligning myself to within and as my breathing and my physical body where I stand as the solution to what I fear thus stopping fear. From here, I commit myself to find practical solutions and then to walk them unto completion not driven by fear energy, but by common sense and breath.

Day 398 – Fear of being poor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the possibility of being poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the possibility that if I am poor, that others will judge me as inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought “I hope I do not wind up like that bum” when I see one on the street.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to being judged as inferior, especially by others who make more money than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “the amount of money that I can make is like proof of what I am capable of and thus proves my actual worth”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure and place my value and worth in and as how much money I can make compared to others, especially those who are similar to me in age, race, nationality, personality, and intelligence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven to succeed by a fear of failure and being poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself secretly spite others, in that I do not want them to succeed beyond my own success, in order for me to not feel or experience myself as poor and thus inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the realization that fear serves no purpose whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop myself as self-confidence, wherein I walk and live the expression of self-confidence in everything that I do and say regardless of my merits or achievements because I realize that my self-confidence is rested upon the fact that I am one and equal with all other beings here due to the fact that we are all physical and thus made of dust, equally as one.

I commit myself to stop being directed and controlled by fear by stopping fear altogether. I commit myself to instead breathe the moment that a fear reaction occurs within and as me / my mind. I commit myself to remind myself to walk in absolute self-confidence within the fact that I, like everyone here, am a physical being made of dust and thus I have the same inherent value and potential that everyone else does – and thus we are but one.

Day 397 – Self Righteousness Character

When and as I research something, anything, and come to conclusions about the said topic, and get all excited about my conclusions, as if I have discovered some form of truth, and then I hear from others contrary conclusions about the same topic, or simply someone bringing up a topic that I have researched extensively, this triggers, based upon memories of my walking through the topic in the past, an emotional rush of energy in and as self-righteousness – where I feel right to go about and speak my realizations in a forceful, righteous mannerism wherein I am not really communication equal and one with the other, but rather just spewing out my opinions and judgments in a forceful way with no regard for the others point of view or to see if the other is actually even listening, agreeing, caring, or receptive to what I have to say. I feel vindicated to speak with such force and go into the mind-possession of self-righteousness, in my knowledge that I have already acquired as if I am the final say in the manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step in and embody the self-righteousness character for any reason whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mind possession of self-righteousness wherein I feel that it is my “right” to express my opinions, judgments, and conclusions on a matter that I have researched before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have someone who brings up a topic that I have researched before, that was important to me or that I reacted to with excitement in the findings of my research, act as a trigger for me to go into a mind-possession of self-righteousness wherein I feel that it is my right and that I am justified in spewing forth my opinions and insights on a matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and as the self-righteousness character, see myself as superior to others who are expressing contrary opinions / judgments / conclusions that I have obtained on the same subject.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel vindicated to go into the self-righteousness character because of the amount of research I have done on a topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify going into the self-righteousness character because I believe that my conclusions are absolutely correct.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that believing my conclusions are correct and then feeling justified to express them gives me a sense of superiority.

When and as I see myself stepping into / becoming mind possessed with the self-righteousness character, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into the character because I see, realize, and understand that it is an energetic mind possession that is directing me and thus not real equal and one living. I commit myself to stop my participation in this character by breathing when and as I am reading or hearing any information that I have researched or come to conclusions about in the past by keeping in mind that these events act as triggers for self-righteousness character to activate and possess me if I so allow it. I commit himself to stabilize myself when and as hearing about information that I have researched already by reminding myself that these points act as triggers to go into an energetic mind possession of self-righteousness, and then instead focus my attention and awareness on my breathing were I can watch the energies come up and then stop them when as they come up and just breathe instead. I commit myself to stop any self-righteousness mind possessions by removing myself from the conversation if at all possible until I have stop the self-righteousness character through breathing. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to communicate with others while in a self-righteous mind possession, but instead to remove myself from communication with others until I have stopped this possession and re-aligned myself within and as my breathing / the physical.

Day 396 – Emotional

Emotional. That is me. I don't want to admit it so much, but it needs to be said so that I can face it and change it. Now, where and how am I emotional? Not in all ways, fortunately! And of course, just admitting that I am emotional does not really help in quantifying and defining in what way I am emotional. So, to help with this, I ask myself the question: Emotional? In what way? OK, there are different contexts that I have seen myself become emotional, in different ways:

1. For one, I seem to have a record of making emotional buying decisions. This has cost me a lot of money. For instance, I bought a very expensive water ionizer that I was convinced would help my wife at the time with her physical condition. It is still uncertain as to if this unit is actually working or not, but at the time I was completely convinced. I completely convinced myself through emotionally reacting to the words and pictures that I was presented with about the machine. The interesting thing is that, after walking process for quite some time now, I was actually aware that I was emotionally driven to buy this machine, but at the same time I suspended self-responsibility to step in and direct myself within and as the breath. It's as if I was possessed and enjoyed the possession and defended my possession while in the possession.
   
2. Another point of emotional outburst / possession is when and as someone says something or makes a comment that is closely aligned with what I have been thinking about in that time-frame. For instance, if I have recently had a realization regarding a certain topic or point and have spent a lot of time thinking about it and even reacting with pride or self-righteousness in regards to my realizations, of which is emotional, then when someone makes a comment on this topic or brings up a topic that is closely related to this topic, whatever the topic is, I then remember my own self-reflections on the said topic, and then react with an emotionally strong desire to express this point, but within the energies of self-righteous, defensiveness, and whatever other emotions I connected to this point / topic when I was participating in when thinking and / or speaking of this point / topic to myself in the past. It's as if thinking about a certain point with emotions attached to it (emotional bodies), form memories attached to emotional bodies all that I per-programmed through thinking and reacting to my thoughts within and as my mind, that all get brought all at once when someone brings up the said topic or a related topic. And when this happens, the emotional energies attached to these memories all come rushing up wherein I accept and allow myself to become mind possessed by them. Then, I act out and speak / write while possessed with these emotional bodies, and the interesting thing is, that it feels so “good” to allow myself to be mind-possessed due to the illusion of self-righteousness, being right, standing up for what is good and right, proving a point, and also within the starting point that I am somehow helping others “see the light” of those “realizations” that I had already of which obviously those realizations were attached to emotional energies of which activate with triggers that lead to possessions and thus even the realizations had an emotional element to them.
   
3. Another emotional point that I see within and as me / my mind as me, is the point of being directed by fear, worry, anxiety, and other emotions that are self-induced to my own negative self judgments. So, I might judge myself as inferior in some way to someone, and then react by projecting those self judgments onto others as if these judgments are coming from outside of me and then within that I start reacting and then being directed with fear, worry, anxiety, depression, suppression, dismay, hopelessness, inferiority, or whatever I have inflicted upon myself. I have been working on the points of worry, fear, anxiety, nervousness for a while now and have been able to slow down quite a bit in this regard, but there is still work to be done here.
   

So, I am going to look at these points with SF in the next writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved and directed emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind-possessed by emotional energies due to the justification that it feels good / right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the emotional energy of self-righteousness because I have thought something through in the past and thus feel vindicated to express this point through and as emotional energy.

I commit myself to stop myself from being possessed with emotional energy by standing firm in my decision to remain in breath, always, by stopping myself from going into emotional energies the moment that I see myself in a possession by stopping my participation in the mind and breathing instead. I commit myself to write more on this topic to bring clarity to this point so that I can see it in real time, when and as it comes up in the future, and then stop it and breathe and move within the physical as the physical.

Day 395 – Always looking for the “perfect words”, Part III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the pattern of looking for the perfect words to say while in conversation with someone that is or has something that I want, need, desire, or have placed myself inferior to. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that searching for the perfect words to say / having the desire to express the perfect words all so that I can manipulate others to get what I want and keep my self image in tact shows me that my starting point is fear, fear of loss, and fear of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and self-manipulated by my own fears of loss and fears of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the perfect words are those that are a clear equal and one expression of myself here wherein I am not directed by any energy whatsoever and my communication is from the starting point and principle of what is best for all, always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define perfect / perfection in and from the starting point of achieving, realizing, or manifesting some form of desire in its absolute most desirable form wherein I would call something “perfect” if and when that something embodies the epitome of what I desire to see, to hear, to experience myself as instead of defining perfection within expressing self within and as absolute equality and oneness within the starting point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlling / step into the controlling character within and as my words wherein I am searching for the perfect words to say so that I can control the choices and actions of others to have things go my way, to my benefit, and to benefit my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself into and as my mind / into having conversations with myself in my mind while I sort out the perfect words to say while in conversation with someone else, of which keeps me from truly listening and being here with others as me while in conversation with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to the point that I would be able to handle whatever reactions others have to me and my words, no matter how “poor” my choice of words is. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the approach of breathing and then speaking from a clear starting point where no energy is directing me while in conversation and then simply freely speak what comes out as long as the starting point is what is best for all. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I have hidden agendas, fears, and desires directing me, that I should be careful of my words to a certain extent because more than likely I am creating separation to get what I want within and as energy. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my concern over my words really shows me that I am self-aware that I am not always acting in what is best for all, always, wherein I am not directed by energy / energies of fear and desire whatsoever, and thus have a hidden agenda. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the solution to this pattern is to perfect my starting point wherein from that point I have nothing to fear and am in need of nothing, except basic needs, from anyone wherein the words I speak will be of a clear, equal and one communication that is supportive, spontaneous, and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others words that are in response to my words with worry and fear that my choice of words caused a negative reaction in them based upon their choice of words in response to my words as well as their emotional / feeling reactions and body language that I interpret / project as negative in some way. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this fear reaction with worry wherein I get caught-up in my mind worrying, imagining, projecting, and fearing the reactions of others / believing that I am being negatively judged or assessed, all while in conversation with others thus separating myself from them and also distracting myself into my mind into and as a mind possession generated and created through reacting with fear to my own fear; and thus making me ineffective in my communication with them due to not listening to them, but rather to the voices in my head.

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of trying to choose the perfect words to say while in conversation with others or reacting to others reactions to my words with worry in the form of back-chats that distract me from the actual conversation at hand – I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to try go into this pattern because I see, realize, and understand that this is not beneficial to anyone, that it separates me into the energy and polarity of my mind, and it causes a breech in communication which is the very thing that I am fearing. Thus, I commit myself to release myself from this patter by doing the following things:

1. I commit myself to investigate my starting point to see if I have any points of self-interest directing me of which would act as a platform for my words to be directed with controlling or manipulative characters. From here, I commit myself to correct my starting point to that of what is best for all, always, and with all people for all reasons through self-correction, construct by construct, so that I through time correct my starting point to that of what is best for all in all contexts and for all reasons and purposes of what I move myself.
   
2. I commit myself to further expand myself in the area of self-trust to grow my self-trust to a point wherein I trust myself to be able to stand no matter what consequences / losses I create with my words because I see, realize, and understand that I am ultimately a physical being, made of physical substance of which is the same material throughout all of existence and thus makes me equal with all as self and thus means that I actually already am the very things that I desire and thus cannot really in-fact loose anything.
   
3. I commit myself to make a practice of breathing and thus stopping my mind the moment that I see it triggered into an automated self-protection mode wherein I am back-chatting about what I have said in conversation.
   
4. I commit myself to stop these back-chats, worries, fears, imaginations, projections the moment that I see them come up within and as me by reminding myself that these energies will not help me in any way whatsoever and will actually create what I fear by taking me out of the conversation and into my head wherein I will not be as effective in conversation. I commit myself to breathe and delete these constructs and then tune back in to the conversation wherein I am most effective.
   
5. I commit myself to be on the look out for these triggers that can trigger this pattern:
   
   1. Being in the presence of someone that I want something from.
      
   2. Someone saying words or physically moving in ways that do not live up to my expectations thus acting as a trigger to go into worry, fear, about if they are positively reacting to my words and conversation.
      
   3. Being in the presence of someone that I have placed myself as inferior to through comparison. I commit myself to stop the comparison character.
      
   4. Voice tonalities and words that I interpret as threatening, unsatisfied, or unhappy as a reaction to what I have to say, of which triggers this pattern as a matter of self-defense.
      
   5. Fear that what I have to say will not be accepted by others.
      

Day 394 – Always looking for the “perfect words”, Part II

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as my starting point is to conduct myself in ways that are best for all, that it matters not what others think of me, because I am walking within integrity, within the definition of moving in ways that are always best for all, and thus within this, there is no “wrong” choice of words. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that people may come and go in my life, but no matter who is in my life, I am still here and it is who I am in every breath that counts, regardless of who is in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsequious / to go into a personality of obsequiousness in order to get what I want and to keep people in my life that have something to offer me within the realms of my desires for sex, money, and survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that others are negatively judging me and automatically believe this to be the case, without slowing down enough to see, realize, and understand that I am creating this in my mind and that this is not even necessarily the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when and as someone reacts in a way that I perceive as “negative”, within and as the perception character, that it automatically has to do with me and my conduct and my words, when in fact, it may not even be a negative reaction from others or if so, it may not even have to do with me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when these moments occur, that I simply need to slow down and ask myself “where am I not breathing / am I in a personality / what is the starting point of my words / am I speaking and acting within and as what is best for all where the starting point of my words is not of self-interest” - in order to assess who I am within my words so that I can perfect and correct myself to walk always within what is best for all. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by self-checking myself in this way, I am empowering myself to change into what is best for all, always, wherein I am in the process of always creating / upgrading myself into the best possible version of myself and thus it matters not what others think of me because there is nothing of personalities, characters, and motive of self-interest that I am holding on to and unwilling and unable to let go and change.