Day 12 - Never Enough Time to Write Part VI - Never Enough Time for Anything

I feel as if I do not have enough time to write my SRA assignments, or to get sales proposals done, or get enough quotes done in order to ensure I take in enough income because of the strain on my time in regards to spending ‘family’ time with my partner and kids and also take care of all the responsibilities at home. Within this I also fear that whatever task I chose to do is in a way wasting time because I am not able to work on another task which also needs to be done; or to just spend time with my partner and kids as to not ignore them which leads to ‘relationship’ problems. So, no matter what I do I always have an underlying feeling of haste, where I am not able to just be here doing what I have decided it is that I need to do one and equal with what I am doing.

I remember when I was a child that my parents would seem to cut-short my visit with my cousins when visiting and it always being disappointing and sad to have to leave before I was ready to go because I was having so much fun playing. So, therefore I always had underlying anxiety when playing with my cousins, or even my friends, because I always knew that inevitably suddenly I would have to be taken away from them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself and my life to be governed by time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed time to come before self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘not having enough time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘wasting my time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be late.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to connect ‘being late’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘wasting time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having multiple projects/responsibilities at the same time to accomplish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘having multiple projects/responsibilities at the same time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety at the possibility that I will not be able submit a sales proposal to customer in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to submit a sales proposal on time to a customer’ to fear - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety while wanting to ‘get fast’ to a certain point or place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may not have enough time to spending with my kids and partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the possibility that I may not have enough or spend enough time with my partner’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever activity I participate in may be abruptly cut-short due to something outside of my control and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach almost everything with fear of not having enough time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the possibility that whatever activity I participate in may be abruptly cut-short due to something outside of my control’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things that I perceive are outside of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘things that are outside of my control’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may not have enough time to complete my SRA assignments in light of the fact that I have so many other responsibilities and personal desires competing for my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘that I may not have enough time to complete my SRA assignments in light of the fact that I have so many other responsibilities and personal desires competing for my time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when doing any particular project due to the possibility of not having enough time – thinking, therefore, that I am wasting my time and running out of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety the moment that I think of all the things that I need to do and need to be done in relation to how much time that I have.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by an energetic mind possession of haste when I believe or see I don’t have enough time to complete a certain task or project, while I believe this task to be very important.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing time’ to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When an as I see myself going into fear of not being able to complete a project on time, or not being able to spend time with friends and family, I stop, I breath. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the emotion of fear in separation of myself here as life, as the breath of life.

When an as I see myself going into the mind-possession of haste and anxiety – I stop, I breathe, I bring myself back here one and equal as the breath/the physical. I simply breathe through this mind-possession, stopping my mind, not participating in this energetic possession until it passes and I am here, clear.

When and as I see myself going into anxiety regarding time, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself back here one and equal with the physical as me, as who I am, and then prioritize my time as effectively as possible and discipline myself to pay attention to the completion of the particular task or project taking into consideration myself and others and everything that is involved, from an equal and one perspective - realizing that going into worry, or haste, or fear/anxiety does not solve anything and only serves to trap me into and as my mind as energy in separation.

From this moment forward, I will flag moments where I perceive or have limited time, the value and importance placed in a specific task, project, or point of participation and the beings for whom I want to perform well. Then I will simply prioritize, plan, execute, and breathe through all mind interference remaining here, one and equal with all as me, stable in and as the breath.

Day 11 - Never Enough Time to Write V - Resistance to Writing Demon

I have been realizing that I have a resistance to daily writing and application. The reasons for this are that I am generally 'tired' or would rather do something else. I also am constantly judging the quality of my writing as I write, and because of this have developed a fear of writing because I believe that I am not able to express myself easily.

Writing self-forgiveness, in my mind, is like a chore that I have to push through because of the perceived difficulty in expressing effectively what is going on within me. I suppose that because I fear that I am not able to express me effectively through writing that I have actually manifested difficulty writing as my actual experience. Then because I actually experience the manifestation of this fear I become validated within and as this fear which then compounds and becomes even more ominous and overwhelming.

I understand more clearly now why a savior is such a great idea because actually living and applying the the knowledge and understanding one has acquired is difficult. I would much rather acquire information and convert it to knowledge and leave it at that then actually be and live the knowledge as myself – this is so much easier and hence within this I am supporting religion and the religious system that exists in this world because that is what religion is. Jesus, as the savior, will do it for us because we cannot do it ourselves. What a crock of shit and a total abdication of self-directiveness this is, yet this is what I am doing myself when I listen, hear, and understand and do not act. So, that is what I have been waiting for this whole time – I have been waiting for a savior to come do it for me because I have developed to much resistance to actually doing the change myself.

I can also expand this to include resistance to breathing when I see movement within myself as thoughts or emotions that come up to any given situation. I am at a point now where I see and identify thoughts, feelings, and emotions when they come up yet often times participate in them anyway rather than being self-directive and just breathing and being here in the physical.

I recognize that when I choose to participate in thoughts, feelings, emotions, resistances, and any system demons that I have already identified that I am diminishing myself and abdicating my self-responsibility and in that am left with hope that maybe I will get it in the future which is placing my trust in a future me in separation from myself here which is the same thing that religious people do in having faith and trust in a savior to do what they/I refuse to do for oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I do not want to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a resistance to writing because of my participation in the thought that I do not want to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the emotion of resistance to writing to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that writing is not 'fun'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from writing because I have formed a resistance to it based on my judgment that writing is not fun and is difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that writing is difficult to exist within and as me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my writing as ineffective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge writing as difficult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing into something that is difficult by accepting and allowing mind-interference in the form of judgments to exist within and as me as I write and before I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotional experience of anxiety to writing because of the thoughts that I am not good at writing, that writing is boring, that writing is difficult that I have to allowed to exist within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder my writing as an expression of my-self here in the physical in and as breath because of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions /energies that I accept and allow to exist within and as me while I write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would rather do something else other than write when this is in-fact me existing as the systems existing within and as me as my pre-programmed existence that would in fact rather do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to systems at the last minute just before I site-down and write because I at that last minute decide to do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bored while writing which causes me to feel a drive to stop writing and do something else, impulsively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the resistance to writing is occurring right now as I write and that this is a system manifestation that is existing within and as me as I right this document that I am in the process of releasing as I write at this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become bored when writing because of my participation within the thought that I would rather do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with writing because of my experience with confusing myself while writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when writing because of my participation within the thought that I am not able to write effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when writing because of my participation within that that I am not able to express within and as writing easily.

I forgive myself tat I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the emotional construct of laziness because of my unwillingness to push through the resistance that I have self-created towards writing in that I would rather do something else that comes much easier.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have created this entire manifested experience of resistance to writing through my accepted and allowed resistances, excuses towards writing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath and be here when resistances come up towards writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a cycle within my writing where I “push through” and do a lot of writing and then become worn-out and resistant to writing for a period of time to 'relax' and 'rest' until I write again which is the positive/negative cycle of energy within and as systems – rather than to be here constant as me self-directing me to do what is necessary to be done to release myself from my systematic existence in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I develop a giving-in to self-directive living in every moment of breath that I am in-fact waiting for a savior to do it for me, to do what I refuse to do for myself which makes me one and equal with all the religious of this manifested world of systems.

I forgive myself that I have judged the religious as lazy, self-deceived, not seeing that I am supporting and acting as the religious when I see and do not act myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to do something fun in my spare time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire/want to escape to do something fun to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define writing as not doing something fun in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to categorize activities as 'fun' or 'boring' in separation of myself rather than simply acting in self-interest as life in every moment of breath here doing what is required to exist without any participation in systems whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'fun' be defining it in separation from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word 'fun' with a positive value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'fun' as good/positive within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'fun' through judging the word 'fun' as 'good'/'positive'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'fun' to doing what come impulsively to me in my free-time such as playing chess on the internet, reading and acquiring knowledge and information, eating, - whatever is easy and natural.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'fun' within a picture in my mind of me doing whatever I want impulsively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that word 'fun' as an 'orgasmic' experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to have 'fun' in my 'spare time' both of which, 'fun' and 'spare-time' are constructs that I have created and defined in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of me playing chess just for fun at my computer to the thought that 'this is what I fun really is and this is what I want to do with my spare time'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of me acquiring information and knowledge to the word 'fun' and to define fun within and as these memories in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect memories of me having sex and masturbating to the word 'fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be having sex, masturbating, playing chess, playing music, acquiring knowledge and information to have 'fun'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that having 'fun' is a system that I have created myself in separation of me here as life in the physical wherein what I have defined as 'fun' exists within my mind as self-definitions that I have created and manifested within me as my experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my resistance to writing and my desire to have fun is really me trying to escape my reality because facing my reality within writing actually means to face myself and I am not able to escape from myself, because I am always here with me.

I realize that no matter what activity I am participating in within this world I am still me and I am still with me and I still fave to face me – whether I am doing something that I have defined as fun or not.

I forgive myself that I have created and manifested a physical resistance to writing wherein I am uncomfortable, itchy, my muscles feel like they need to move, I become self-conscious about my stomach sticking out and my posture and within all of this I am not able to concentrate.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath and be here when I experience psychical resistance to writing realizing that the psychical resistance to writing is a self-created/manifested experience of me as my mind.

I realize and accept that 'sorting myself out' through writing will take time because the deception as the nature of all that exists is extensive and has been created/manifested over a very long period of time and therefore I realize and accept that there is no quick and magical solution to what I have created and manifested as myself and this world.

I realize that I have been making the choice to participate in my mind when I accept and allow the self-created and designed resistance to writing to exist within and as me.

I realize and accept that I require to be patient and persistent with myself and that I require to practically walk this process step-by-step one breath at a time taking responsibility for who I am and what I have created by not participating in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I accept and allow as resistances towards writing.

I realize that defining and then participating in things as 'fun' and resisting things that I have defined as 'not fun' has no practical value and will not aid me in any what whatsoever and is really just a waste of my time.

When and as I sit down to write and I begin to compare this experience with other experiences that I have defined as 'fun' and then participate in the self-created belief that the experience of writing is boring, difficult, and tedious I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that writing is difficult, tedious, boring. Instead I embrace writing as myself realizing that I am one and equal with my self-created experience of writing as me.

When I experience resistance to writing because of thoughts of it being boring, difficult, or tedious/confusing I stop. I breath. I do not accept of allow myself to attempt to escape from my current reality through judging writing as difficult, tedious/confusing, or boring thinking and believing that if I were to do something else that I have defined as more relaxing/stimulating that I would be 'happy'. Instead, I face my current reality and take responsibility through, in and as writing myself to freedom.

I realize that hoping and waiting for a savior to do what I refuse to do is of no value and is an abdication of my power to stand as life.

I realize that believing that I cannot write because of my perceived inabilities to communicate me in and as and through writing is to participate in systems that I have created as my experience and thus by participating I perpetuate the existence of me as a living manifested system.

I realize that the more that I participate in my mind and abdicate my self-responsibility to stand as life here as the breath – the more that I diminish myself and lessen my chances/abilities to stand as life here one and equal with and as the physical.

When and as I see phsyical and mental resistances come-up while I am writing I stop and delete these thoughts and breath until I am clear.

When faced with time to write and I experience any resistance whatsoever from an inclination to label writing as boring, difficult, tedious I stop. I delete the thoughts and breath through the emotions and feelings associated with writing until they are gone and I am clear. I then will direct myself to write as needed to release myself from my systematic existence as a system and birth myself as life.

Day 10 – Never Enough Time to Write Part IV - My Relationship with Time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define time differently from moment to moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time as ‘my time’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am creating a positive/negative polarity in my relationship to time by labeling time as ‘my time’ in which I look positively towards and the ‘rest of my time’ in which I look negatively towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge ‘my time’ as positive/good.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within charging time that I have defined as ‘my time’ as good that I then look for things to do in this time that I have defined as ‘fun’ thus looking to fulfill my preconceived definition of ‘my time’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘If I am not filling ‘my time’ with activities that I have defined as ‘fun’ then I will be bored and unfulfilled and unable to express myself to my fullest potential.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘if I am not enjoying ‘my time’ then I am not ‘living life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing any activity that I have not defined as ‘fun’ or as ‘exciting’ or as ‘interesting’ or as ‘stimulating’ during time that I have defined as ‘my time’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that all time is in-fact equal and within that what I do with myself during any duration of ‘time’ must be brought into consideration of what is best for all in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I define time as ‘my time’ I create a trap for myself wherein I am able to excuse and justify doing what is not best for all in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change characters and personalities based on how I have defined the time that I have as ‘my time’ wherein I act and participate in personalities that are reserved for ‘my time’ and when I am not in ‘my time’ I then participate in different personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am suppressing personalities until the appointed ‘my time’ that I desire to release these patterns in and that within that I am not living here one and equal in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, see, realize, and understand that all I really have is every ‘here’ moment and that is the real ‘my time’ - the time that I have to be the real ‘me’ when I am right here in and as the breath directing myself and not submitting to patterns, desires, urges, energy fixes, and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ‘time’ by defining ‘time’ differently based on what activities I must practically participate-in to sustain myself as a physical being in this ‘capitalist system of survival’ where I fight for my survival each and every day at work and then fight for my survival of ‘expression’ by declaring my ‘me time’ when I am not working.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought ‘that my time must be filled with things that I like to do’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing things that I have defined as things that I would not like to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to especially resist doing things that I have defined as things that I would not like to do when I am in a time period that I have defined as ‘my time’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ‘thought that ‘if I do not participate in what it is that I have defined as ‘fun’ when I do have what it is that I have defined as ‘my time’ that I will not be happy, not be content, not be satisfied, and will be bored.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the words ‘happy, content, and satisfied’ as positive in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the words ‘happy, content, and satisfied within doing something that I have defined as ‘fun’ outside of myself, in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am happy, content, and satisfied in every moment of breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things and activities outside of myself to make me happy, content, and satisfied.

When and as I see myself participating in defining time as ‘my time’ I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to define time in separation of myself here because I see realize, and understand that all time is equal and that all that I am required to do in every moment of breath is what is best for all within my taking care of my basic needs first and then moving out from there within the starting point of what is best for all in every moment of breath.

When and as I see myself participating in the thought that ‘I am not able to enjoy, or express myself, or have fun unless I am participating in things that I have defined as fun, or want to do in the moment when I do have time that I have defined as ‘my time’’, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts that I need to have ‘fun’ when I have ‘my time’ in separation of myself because I realize that I am ‘fun’ and I am what I am looking for when I am here in every here moment of breath.

When and as I see myself participating in the emotional experience of ‘boredom’ because of my participation in the thought that ‘I am not able to participate in what I ‘want’ to do in ‘my time’’, I stop and I breathe because I do not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Day 9 – Never Enough Time to Write Part IV – Self Forgiveness on Confusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I am confused’ when I think of writing and what to write out in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of being intimidated of writing because of my participation in the thought that ‘I am confused with exactly what to write about and how to go about it”.

I forgive myself that I have, within my emotional experience of being intimidated of writing because of my participation in the thought that I am confused with exactly what to write and how to go about writing out specific points, accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with other activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought that ‘I am confused at what to write and how to go about writing a certain point’ to the emotional experience of resistance towards writing; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then therefore ‘feel’ as if I cannot write out any particular point in the ‘limited time’ that I perceive that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my time as limited because I believe that I need lots of time to write out the points because of my participation in the thought that ‘I am confused about what to write and exactly how to go about writing out specific points’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought/belief ‘that I cannot write because of my being confused as to where to begin and how to go about my writing and therefore need more time to write than what is available to me because of my confusion’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat wherein I talk to myself, in my head, about a specific point until I become confused as to what it is exactly that I am seeing/needing to be addressed in the first place, and thus I create my own experience of ‘confusion’ and feeling of being ‘locked-up’ as where to start with my writings because of my thinking too much about a certain point rather than just breathing and being here sitting down and writing about a specific point within and as the breath as me directing me here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my ability to be self-honest and introspective as ‘poor and insufficient’ because of memories of past experiences which, because of my participation in over thinking a point and judging my ability to explore a point as poor and insufficient and the following experience of confusion, resulted in the actual experience of being incapable of writing and self-introspection in self-honesty thus proving to myself that I am in fact incapable of writing myself out in self-honesty effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become forgetful of certain points and what it is exactly that I wanted to explore in self-honesty because of my participation in back chat, wherein I am talking to myself within my own head up to a point where I no longer know exactly what it is that I was seeing in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to critique the quality of my self-forgiveness statements before I actually write them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to critique the quality of my self-forgiveness statements as bad and insufficient, from the perspective of an imagined third party and within this become intimidated of writing these points out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self-forgiveness statements as inadequate before I actually write them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I am not able to dig through my mind in self-honesty effectively enough to expose the points in the proper detail that is required for me to effectively walk myself out of my mind and into breath, equality, and oneness, unto completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that ‘I am not able to retrieve the specific memories’ that are required for me to explore myself within self-honesty to adequately release myself from the mind constructs, patterns, memories, behaviors that have become me.

When and as I see myself going into the thought that ‘I am not able to and/or do not have the time to effectively retrieve memories, sort out memories and experiences in self-honesty’, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this backchat because I see, realize, and understand that this backchat is not me, it is not real unless I give it life by my participation in it; and therefore I stop and breathe in that moment until I am clear and then if I practically in-fact have time to write, I write out the memories as they become clear to me as I remain here in and as breath, and if I do not have the time to write practically, I simply await a point in time when I do have time to write.

When and as I see myself going into the thought that I am confused as to what to write about and how to write out my points in self-honesty, I stop my participation in those thoughts and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts of any kind where I am judging myself negatively or positively for any reason because I see, realize, and understand that these thoughts are self-created of me as my mind and are not real in fact. What is real is that I am here, as life, in the physical birthing myself as life so long as I am sorting myself out, stopping my mind, and breathing.

When and as I see myself going into the emotional experience of resistance and intimidation towards writing myself to freedom because of my participation in thoughts that ‘I am confused about what to write about and exactly how to go about writing out my points in self-honesty’, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions because I realize that I am not that. I remain here, constant, stable in and as each and every breath, stopping my mind breath by breath.

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed with writing out a point because as I write out a point I begin to see many tangents and additional areas to be addressed and then don’t know where to begin or believe that I do not have enough time to cover all the areas to be written out, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts that ‘I am overwhelmed because I do not have enough time’ and the feeling of being overwhelmed because I see, realize, and understand that I simply need to break my writings down, bit by bit, breath by breath, and write about as much of one aspect of a given point as time permits and then come back to the rest of it on the next writing. Furthermore, I see, realize, and understand that the importance and need of daily, or at least consistent writing, because otherwise I really would not have the time to go into all the points in the detailed specificity as required to write myself out to in-fact stop my mind and remain here in each and every breath.

More to come on this as this point is really quite massive.

Day 8 - Never Enough Time to Write III

So, in a nutshell, I have several points of resistance to writing that are all jumbled-up into one big cluster-fuck of massive resistance to daily, or consistent, writing. These points all jumble together into one big blurry ball of confusion where I don’t even know, in the moment, where and what to start looking at that is keeping me from writing consistently. So, within it all I just become intimidated and overwhelmed at the thought of writing and then move on to do something else less demanding. These ‘less demanding’ things include points of stimulation like reading about world affairs, playing piano, watching TV (although not much actually), and other things. Actually, now that I look at it, I really don’t have a lot of other interests, but whatever I can find to spend time on that distracts me or is something that I believe I am interested in I pursue in lieu of writing because writing is too confusing, too intimidating, too difficult, too overwhelming, and I just don’t have ‘enough time’ considering all the other ‘responsibilities’ that I have, such as raising kids, in addition to my ‘me-time’.

There are a couple of other things that I would like to mention before I close here. One is that I have also had resistance to process because of the notion that I may not have enough money to support myself through process until completion. This I think is interesting because it is not that I fear that I will not be able to make DIP payments for 7 years or so, which I do fear actually; however the real fear is that I will not be able to support myself through process. This is funny because, no matter the level of financial support I have, I will always have at least a roof over my head with access to a computer. The roof may be my mothers or a friend’s, worst case scenario, but a roof nevertheless will be there and access to a computer too. So, why has this actually been a point of resistance to writing? I mean, with the other points, I can see that there is at least some legitimacy in that I would have to walk through them within self-honesty, but this point of not having enough money doesn’t really even make any sense at all. Why, in other words, have I even participated in this position at all? Then secondly, another point of resistance to writing comes from the fact that I have not defined myself as a ‘writer’ in my life and have a general fear towards writing itself. I fear not being able to communicate exactly what it is that is on my mind; and in addition, I have experienced just this in past experiences with writing. I have experienced confusion as I write wherein I begin to not know where I am going, or what I was initially thinking when starting my writings, or exactly how to put on paper what is in my head. Then I remember these experiences and this makes it harder for me to write again in the future. So, I have actually been building a resistance to writing, wherein I am actually becoming less able to write each new writing, because I remember how difficult it was the last time and then expect this next time to be difficult as well.

So, here it is, at least 10 reasons why I don’t write all jumbled up into one massive point of resistance. I have been writing this point out over the past few days, like wringing out a rag – squeezing it tight, getting every last drop of water out because I realize that this needs to be done in order for me to move through this resistance to writing that I have created for myself.

Also, because I have blocked myself from writing, I have created a pictured reality of myself where I imagine myself writing and making videos but never do it. The picture of myself doing these things in my imagination are due to me not being able to do this in the physical, so I do it in my head with the intent to do it in the physical. Interesting.

I think that I have covered it all. Unless more comes up between now and the next writing, I should be starting self-forgiveness here next.

Day 7 - Never Enough Time to Write II

More reasons that get in the way of making time to write:

1. Confusion,
2. Intimidation,
3. Overwhelmedness,
4. Forgetfulness,
5. Physical discomfort,
6. Intimidated at the prospect of doing this wrong and having to start over,
7. Giving up because I may not have enough money to support myself through my process.

Ok, so as I go through my day points come up that I identify that I need to write about and when the time comes to write I either become confused as to where to begin, or become overwhelmed because I feel as if I don’t know where to begin, or I become intimidated because I think that I cannot write about a given point well enough, or I just plain forget, or the point becomes blurry where as I start confusing the point with other points; and on top of that many times I feel physically uncomfortable when faced with writing either while sitting or in anticipation of sitting to write.

For the most part, the confusion, overwhelmedness, intimidation, forgetfulness, and physical discomfort just makes it easier for me to fall to the other points that I spoke of last time. For instance, within the confusion, or intimidation, or overwhelmedness, or forgetfulness, or physical discomfort, I then fall to the thought/feeling that I do not have enough time, or that I need to spend what limited time that I have with my kids or partner or doing chores, or just having ‘fun’ meaning stimulating myself - lol. So, then I give-in to this backchat and then goof-off, so to speak, wherein I do not spend my time writing, I just spend my time stimulating myself and forgetting.

So, what my experience has been since I have committed myself to this process is that I ‘muster’ up the ability to spit out one writing, or maybe a couple, and then I burn-out because it took so much energy to get through that particular writing, all the while telling myself that I will eventually work through this, but having never as of yet worked through this.

So, I now am at a point where I realize that I must work through this massive resistance that I have to writing daily, or as often as time does in-fact permit, to actually make progress in my process.
So, to expand on the forgetfulness, overwhelmedness, intimidation, and confusion experience, I see this really as one big point wherein there really isn’t one word in the English language that describes this point of resistance to writing. Rather, it is like a combination of all these points wrapped into one big ugly ‘fuck writing demon system’.

I feel overwhelmed at the thought of writing in detail my mind-consciousness system especially considering that when I write any particular topic, I am only covering the tip of the ice-berg within the conscious mind. I become intimidated that I then have to eventually move on to the subconscious and unconscious mind. I become intimidated when I read others writings and their realizations realizing that I too will eventually have to make these and other realizations that just seem impossible for my ‘mortal’ mind to grasp.

I become forgetful just from the point I realize that I need to write about a certain point and when I finally have time to write about it; and when I do remember, often times I become confused as to where to even begin.

I am also intimidated by what others may think of my writings.

Physical discomfort stems from the fact that I already spend the day sitting all of the time and the thought of sitting even more to write just makes me think that I am going to like become physically debilitated eventually. In other words, you lose what you don’t use! Then on top of that, I do actually feel physically uncomfortable to a certain degree when writing, and this physical discomfort is mainly feeling a bit stiff, like ‘I want to stretch’, or feeling as if my posture is not correct and I don’t want to get ‘bent’ out of shape. So, it is both a mental and actually physical experience of physical discomfort.

I also get intimidated at the prospect of having to start my process all over again. This allows me to ‘give up’ and not even start writing often times when I have time.

Another point of resistance to writing is the prospect of running out of money or just having to work way more than I do now, before my process is complete. This has not happened yet in the last 5 years; however is a real possibility. But is this really something to stop me from writing? No. Yet, I still accept and allow this to get in the way at times.

I know that all these points are not really reasons to not write. I realize that I accepting and allowing a ton of reasons to not participate to the full extent of what is required for me to stop my mind and birth myself as life, one and equal with all as me as the physical.

Ok, so I am going to write out self-forgiveness on the next blog perhaps. For now, I am exploring my resistance to writing in as much detail and specificity as I can.

Day 6 - Never Enough Time to Write I

One of my biggest obstacles to writing daily, or almost daily, is time. I perceive myself to have limited time for a few reasons:

1. I work full-time,
2. I have kids and a partner,
3. I have chores,
4. I have “me-time”,
5. I have ‘broken-up’ time.

So, yes, I work full-time. I even work 2 jobs, even though I am not making any money at one of them. Yes, one of my jobs pays $0. This job is a side-project that could pay very well when I get it going, but for now I am earning nothing. Then there is my primary job, which is commission only. So, because it is commission only, I am always feeling as if my work is not done because, in theory, this is actually the case. I can always be doing more. My primary job takes up about 55 hours per week of my time but about 20 hours of that time I spend driving, so I am really only actually working about 35 hours per week. My income is steady but just barely sufficient to cover basic needs. The income always being ‘just enough’ further compounds that ‘feeling’ that there is always something more to do.

Kids, partner and chores can all go together. I am away from home working for 55 hours per week and when I get home I ‘feel’ that it is best that I spend time with my kids, partner, and also take care of chores around the house. This all goes into one point because if I do not spend time here, then problems can arise. I probably don’t need to spell this out, so I won’t. One result of my having these relationships is my experience in the same basic ‘feeling’ that I have at work in which I ‘feel’ as if there is always something that needs to be done or someone, that I need to spend my time with, regardless of what may have already been taken care of or accomplished.

Spending time with ‘me’, ‘me-time’: This is probably the biggest point of bullshit that I accept and allow. As I conduct myself now, having ‘me’ time really just boils down to me stimulating myself. I spend a lot of time reading about world affairs. I spend time on Facebook. I spend time playing the piano. There is nothing wrong with these things inherently; however, about 90% of this activity is me just fucking around. I mean for instance, I know how the world works. I have been studying it for years. So, within that, I could spend 10 minutes per day just keeping up with things, if I so desire. Same goes with my time on Facebook. 10-20 minutes per day on Facebook could easily cover my needs.

I have an underlying boredom that I need to deal with. I need to write about it, forgive it, and breathe through it. Instead, I have been accepting and allowing myself to continue on trying to find some energetic high that I usually get with reading about world affairs which is nothing more than reading about who did what to whom, in essence. This is no better than reading the ‘national enquirer’- lol. This is bullshit. Yes, spending time reading about Zionism or the banking system or whatever the fuck – no matter how ‘factual’ it may be, is a total energetic mind-fuck experience unless I am doing this within the context of forming a basis to write a blog exposing the system.

In addition to wasting time on the internet, I am spending it looking for something good and tantalizing to eat, or playing piano. There are other activities too that I spend my ‘me time’ on, but these are the main points. Again, there is actually nothing ‘wrong’ with these activities within themselves, but they are all, even playing piano, within my experience of me looking to distract myself from that fact that I am bored.

With all this said, my entire system of ‘wasting time’ is greatly facilitated by, at least it seems at the moment, my perceived ‘broken-up time’. In other words, the number one reason I accept and allow myself to fall on these points, as mentioned above, is because I perceive my time to be always subject to interruption. I do not feel as if I have enough ‘continuous’ time to write out a blog. I have kids, chores, a partner, never ending work with 2 jobs, and ‘me-time’ to balance in the scales of spending ‘real’ time with myself writing about my bullshit; and this all provides the fodder for me to ‘shoot-down’ any potential blog writing because there is always something that needs tending to that is inevitably going to get in the way and cut-me short. It is easier for me to waste time on bullshit like researching conspiracy theories on the internet, or play a little piano, or cooking a cool dish, or time with my partner and kids, or whatever, because in the end, if I get interrupted, no big deal – the nature of what I was doing can be dropped in a moment unlike writing a blog exploring myself in self-honesty.

I am going to either expand on my self-exploratory writing here or start my self-forgiveness on my next blog. I am going to map out my time, take self-responsibility to create the time that I require to consistently write blogs because I have come to a point where I realize that I cannot accept and allow excuses and justifications for me to not stand up and breathe.