Day 343 – Being Joy of being “Here”

While doing the dishes recently I have been really getting into every stroke make on the dishes, brining myself here with the dishes and the water and the sink and the soap as much as possible, slowing myself down here to the point where nothing is on my mind coming up at all, except my focus on the task at hand where I notice as much as possible about the physical aspects of the doing the dishes even the different textures that each dish has based on its form the specific materials made with.  When thoughts come up, I check to see if they have any pertinent and practical value and if not, I delete them.  If they do, then I decide if they have any practical reason to stop what I am doing and go address whatever it is that is needed, but if there is no practical value, then I delete those thoughts as well and then re-align myself to be here with the dishes as much as physically possible.  I also pay attention to my body and my breathing while doing the dishes.  I slow down and breathe as steadily as possible paying attention to the way the air fills my lungs and exits my nose.  I wash the dishes, as “I would want to be washed”.  That sounds rather cookey, I would say, but it is indeed the case.  I have been applying myself to take special care when washing the dishes as an experiment to see just how fulfilling, just how joyful, just how awesome such simple tasks can be.  And the results?  Awesomeness.  I have noticed that when I get into the physical as much as possible, by being here with what I am doing free of any judgment, resistance, stress, or random thoughts, that when I pay attention to the physicality of what I am doing to the utmost, while also paying attention to my breathing and my body – that within that, I am living the expression of joy, fulfillment, even entertainment.  Suddenly, something like doing the dishes, doing yard work, or whatever it is becomes a fulfillment and a joy here in physical reality.  There is so much to consider in this physical existence.  So many details of the physical that are missed or just overlooked because we are busy in our minds and with desire to be somewhere else because we have placed negative judgments on the simple ordinary every day tasks at hand and because we have placed value in ideas, concepts, and dreams – non of which are here right now.  What are here right now, typically, are just the simple tasks that need to be taken care of every day, every hour of every day, so that we can live in a way that is best for our selves and best for all.  Maintenance, cleanliness, order, and attending to the needs of others around you – this is where “here” is.  It’s right “here”.  It’s all right “here”.  Living is right “here”.  Its not something that you do once you achieve a certain goal, or dream, or ideal.  There is always something here to do, and when you do it and just get completely here / integrated with the physical and the physicality of the task at hand, then you are really living.  Then you are here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be somewhere else other than here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place negative judgments on menial labor, chores, and daily responsibilities that are required so that I can live what is best for all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself negative judgments to accumulate and layer to the point of an emotional resistance towards doing menial everyday labor wherein I make justifications to take breaks, and not finish work unto completion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate between different types of physical labor no realizing that all physical labor is the same within the point that it merely requires the moving of my physical body to get it done.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I am here physically, paying attention to every minute detail in the physical, my breath, my hands, my body, the dishes, the water, the soap, the way the soap forms bubbles, the texture of the plates – or whatever the exact physical nature of the chore or task at hand is, - that when I pay attention to all these details both within my body and within the bodies that I am working with – that this is where I bring myself here and thus live fulfillment, joy, entertainment, and excitement here as  living expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I bring myself here, as just described above, that this opens up more opportunity to see my mind for what it is and to see myself for what I have been existing as the my, because the mind will still try to reel me in with its recurring thought patterns, but when I stabilize myself here within aligning myself with my physical – that I enable myself to stand and merge with the physical and thus see my mind for what it is – an energy generator – and through that seeing, I enable myself to stop my participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that tremendous value in aligning myself here within and as the physical when I do chores and menial labor in that it enables me to slow down and merge with the physical rather than being caught up in the energy of the mind where I loose myself and am not able to so easily discern what it real and what it mind energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge “treating physical objects as I would like to be treated” as ‘cookey, weird, and crazy’ – when I see, realize, and understand that all physicality is composed of the same substance – and all substance is equal in that it is the same material at the base level has awareness.

I commit myself to slow down, align myself with the physical and do chores paying attention to every single physical detail possible while at the same time deleting the backchats and stopping the emotional resistances through breathing – so that I can assist myself to be here and live my full potential as the physical and apply my to take care of my responsibilities to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to align myself within and as the breath and the physical while physical labor and also work by focusing on my breathing, on the physicality of what I am doing in every minute detail so that I can assist myself to merge with the physical where I live my words as an expression of who I am in every breath – instead of living for the idea of the experience of words in separation from what is actually physically here as me.

Day 342 – Time, precious time!

There is only so much time available.  It seems like there is plenty of time when you are young, but in-fact, every moment is a step into the future until one day you are old and then dead.  So, every moment needs to count.  Yet, there are so many moments that I accept and allow to ‘slip’ by due to distraction.  Then those moments accumulate in my memory banks wherein I know that I wasted some time of which then creates like hastiness and also stress within the time that I do have.  Then when someone or something unexpectedly gets in the way of / prevents me from using what time I have left effectively, I lash out and blame and get frustrated and angry – when the problem the whole time was me and who I am in every moment of breath within regards to how I use my time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I only have so much time until my time is up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time by not staying focused, here within and as the breath, until I finish a task; but instead I accept and allow little distractions here and there to pull me away to obtain mini jolts of entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what the tasks, chores, and work, that I have to do by defining it as boring, tedious, an unfulfilling instead realizing that taking self responsibility to direct myself to do what is best for all, practical, and required to survive in every moment of breath is how I align myself to be equal and one here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat, while doing chores and work, like “I am bored”, “I need something more”, “I need a break”, and then within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this backchat is me and then actually use it a justification to stop what I am doing and waste time.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow these little time wasting events that I accept and allow throughout my day and days to accumulate as memories within and as me to a point where I start to feel stressed out about the remaining time that I have left to get what I have to get done, done.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reach a breaking point where I feel disempowered within the point of not having enough time and also not being in control of my time, wherein whatever being or thing gets in the way of my remaining time, I lash out at in frustration, blame, and anger which creates the illusion of feeling like I am now empowered and taking control of my time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to step in as the director of me in every breath where I direct myself to work within and as complete focus where I complete a task or work from start to finish with no self-induced disruptions whatsoever, wherein I embody the word focus as myself where I complete tasks and work from start to finish with no self-induced distractions and breaks accept only what is practical and necessary, like going to the bathroom – wherein I maximize my effectiveness in relation to my time – wherein I get the most out of my time and become as effective as possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I project blame and become frustrated and angry with others or things that get in my way from completing tasks and work – that really I am hiding from myself and the fact that I waste time and that I would not have such pent up emotional energy in the first place, wherein I am in a constant state of stress in relation to my time, if I were directing myself to be as effective as possible in the first place within regards to my time.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as back-chat comes up, while doing tasks and work, like “this is boring”,” I need a break” – that this is designed so that my mind can find ways to generate energy for its own survival and that this kicks in full-force when and as I haven’t been stimulating my mind enough and that this has nothing to do with who I am here as the physical / as the breath and thus this back-chat only serves to keep me trapped into the mind and thus rendered un-effective and enslaved to energy.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to step in and just say “no.  I am here!  I am the physical and I do not need anything else to make myself feel better or more excited or like I am living” – because I am already here and complete and one within and as who I really am as the physical – and thus, living for the experience of feeling like I am living is just a total mind fuck and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that moving myself / directing myself within what is best for all, what is most practical within the point of taking the utmost self-responsibility to live in cleanliness, work diligently, take care of people around me, correct myself within my writings, and make as much money as possible within this current economic system within the point of playing by the rules and doing no harm – is the very definition of living self-honesty here as the physical and the breath and within this I am living my full potential and creating a world that is best for all, and thus within this, there really isn’t anything “more” that I need and when and as I feel this way, it is not real, it is just energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become restless, where I fidget around a bit, when and as I have been applying myself within being as effective as possible within the work and chores that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always walk in a state of stress and tension because of memories of me not being self-directive and thus the most effective with my time – thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself a perpetual state of subtle tension, stress, and haste – because I feel and believe that I do not have enough time – of which is a condition that I created through not spending my time as effectively as possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have all the time that I need so long as I walk and align myself within and as the physical and the breath and direct myself to complete all chores, tasks, and work from start to finish with no mind distractions, no judgments, and no participation in the emotions of resistance, and boredom when and as they come up – by simply stopping the preceding back-chat, stopping the emotional reactions by saying “no! I am here! I am already complete!  I breathe.  I direct!  I walk as the physical!  I am here!  I need nothing more!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the realization that there is only so much time until one’s time is up!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself from being as effective as possible by wasting my time.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the illusion of power / self-empowerment by accepting and allowing anger and frustration reactions towards things and people of whom I have blamed for wasting my time – when I see, realize, and understand that it is only me that I can blame for wasting time and that reacting in anger and frustration is not real power, but only the illusion of power which means that I am mind-fucking myself within relation to my time by disempowering myself through wasting my time by accepting and allowing mind driven interruptions and then pretending to take my power back by reacting in anger and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when my mind starts generating backchat and emotional experiences of boredom – that that means that the mind energy is low and needs recharging so that I can feel and experience being alive.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is an illusions of feeling bored, and like I am not living and not really the actual fact.  The actual fact is that boredom does not actually exist and that I am already alive within and as the physical as all as one as equal as who I am.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am struck with thoughts and emotions of boredom and this is not enough and I need something more – that this is indicating that my mind is diminishing and that I am expanding – thus, this is where I step in and simply stop the mind and direct myself as the physical so that I can really live.

When and as I see myself in the midst of work or taking care of practical matters, wherein the key to my personal power and success is my ability to stay here within and as the breath / as the physical and simply move myself to finish the task at hand as effectively as possible, but then back-chat starts to emerge like “I need a break.  I am bored.  I need something more.  I just can’t sit here and do this because this is not really living, etc.” I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that this is just the mind within its pre-programmed design and patterns that come up to entrap me and enslave me to it and to energy.  I see, realize, and understand that boredom does not exist, that I am already alive here as the physical, that within self-honesty what is best for all is to complete tasks as studiously and diligently as possible, and that I need nothing more than what is right here as me as my physical body and as the physical in its totality as me as all as one as equal, right here- that I am already here, fulfilled, living, and that boredom, missing out do not even exist.   I see, realize, and understand that by going into the mind, I disempowered myself and waste time of which creates memories that accumulate stress within and as me to a point where I eventually become frustrated and angry with whatever it is that I blame to be wasting me time – when in fact – I am the time waster when and as I go into the mind and remove myself from here.  I thus commit myself to stop my mind / my backchat – remind myself that I am here, complete, and fulfilled already within who I am as the physical as this total existence here as who I am and that what I do or spend my time doing does not take away from the fact that I am already living and complete, here as the physical. Thus, I commit myself to simply stop and delete that backchat, breathe through the emotions of resistance, and boredom to assist myself to clear myself of them – and then I direct myself to stand up and complete the task at hand as diligently as possible so that I become and enable myself to be the director of time and self here in every moment thus relieving stress and taking absolute self responsibility.

 

Day 340 – Blowing my lid

Yesterday, I let a little “steam-out” as a reaction to not being able to get a hold of a sub-contractor that was doing some work for me.  I needed him to complete 2 jobs that he did poor work on, of which I had already paid him for.  Not being able to get a hold of him triggered a few reactions as listed below:

Memories:

• -         I remembered that in the past (before these 2 jobs) that he has done this before.  This memory triggered anger and frustration.
  Thoughts:
• -         “What if he doesn’t call back and keeps the materials.  That would cost me like $500”
• -         “He is such an asshole!”
• -         “I couldn’t afford it if he were to just not call back”
• -         “He has total power and control over me because I need him and have no way to get a hold of him”
• -         Feeling stupid for trusting him to do work for me when I know / remember that he has let me done in the past through doing ½ ass work.
  Emotions
• -         Fear, anger, frustration, powerlessness
• -         Fear of him just disappearing thus leaving me with liabilities.
• -         Fear of not reacting in anger and fear because it seemed like if I weren’t that I was doing nothing about the situation and thus powerless
   
  The memory of him doing things like this in the past was like a breaking point / justification for me to react in anger wherein my voice became louder and slightly more high pitched, I started talking faster, I started talking to myself out-loud basically “cursing” him.  Saying things like “that fucker!” 
  I has there, in awareness, within the point that I knew what was going on and that I could choose to just breathe, but that seemed like to much to bear do to the potential liability forced upon me should he really just not call me back and also the memories of him letting me down like this in the past and then also feeling a bit “stupid” for it and also powerless to do anything about whether he would call me back or not.  This triggered an anger reaction, which helped relieve all the energy and gave the illusion that I was doing something about it and taking my power back.  So, I chose to react instead of breathe.  I justified this because I felt / feared that I could not bear the consequences of this situation should it not go “my way” and that I just breathing and remaining here was like not doing anything about it. 
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustration at the point of not being able to get a hold of X because of memories of X letting me down in the past.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustration at the point of not being able to get a hold of X because I felt powerless in this situation / like he had total control over me, and reacting in anger created the illusion of power within and as me.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat like “he is such an asshole!  I cannot count on him!  He always let’s me down!” of which serve no practical purpose and only serve to fuel and charge emotional reactions such as anger, powerlessness, frustration.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that X and this specific situation had power of me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disempowerment to and towards this situation within the point that I really am not able to do anything about should he choose to not ever call me back.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that, although it is true that I have not power to have him call me back and thus my fate in this situation is up to him within that point, my power resides here within me as the physical and as the breath in every moment of breath that I remain here and breathe as the breath and as the physical / as physicality – and that only when I accept and allow myself to go into backchat and reaction do I really give my power away.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, in that moment, that I cannot stand through the worst case scenario, which is X not calling me back and me being left with a bill.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my power to within and as my ability to control events, people, circumstances, instead of placing my power within and as me here as the physical in every moment of breath as the breath.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I had been living the expression of power as who I am here in every breath as the physical – where I live power as who I am – that I would not have the need or desire to experience power within reacting in anger and controlling events; and I would also not react with feeling disempowered.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this situation with feeling disempowered.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to feeling disempowered by going into the emotional reaction of anger / frustration of which creates the illusionary experience of being empowered, but only servers to disempower me even more.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the thought “that he may not call me back and finish his work which would cost me lot’s of money”.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with more thoughts like “he is such an asshole” which only serves to make me feel better / more superior about myself and compared to him, which comes from a starting point of feeling inferior to this situation wherein I am experiencing powerlessness and being disempowered.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this circumstance to act as a point of authority over me, wherein I am inferior to this situation that is superior to me.  From here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger / frustration and backchat like “he is such an asshole” just to make myself feel better / more superior and empowered.
  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am in that moment of feeling disempowered, inferior, insecure, and fearful of what I might have to face as a consequence to the situation that I am in – that this is that point where I go into the desire to react with positive feelings polarities to this equation like anger, superiority, etc, in order to create the illusion of being in power and being superior – but that this is just an illusion of the mind and not really equal and one living.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the desire to react in anger and frustration just so that I can create the illusion of power in superiority over this situation and over person X
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mind possession of anger and frustration of person X wherein I started tensing up in my shoulder, talking faster and at a louder and high pitch, talking to myself while cursing person X, pacing around and about restlessly and aimlessly, and feeling like I could not just sit down because I had to expend energy somewhere and somehow until the energy of these emotions finally wound down.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of the situation, where I had awareness and the ability to choose life or death / the physical or the mind – to chose the mind / death / energy to protect me and to define me.
  When and as I see myself in a situation that is unpredictable and could wind up costing me money or some other thing that I do not want to loose and then I go into the desire to react in anger and frustration in order to create the experience of power and control, I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that reacting in anger and frustration is not real power and does not do anything to put me in control.  Instead, I commit myself to stand and breathe and remind myself that real power is here within and as every breath – when I align myself within and as every breath as the physical and move as the physical to do what is best for all and most practical in every moment of breath.  True power is the ability to remain here in breath as the physical and as all as one as equal as self in every moment of breath.  From here, I direct myself to breathe and delete and forgive the backchats and emotions that are coming as they come up until I am clear and can stand as power as who I am here.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that reacting in anger and frustration will do anything to protect me from what might happen.
  When and as I see myself reacting in feeling insecure, inferior, and powerless to a situation from which I do not have any real direct control and has the ability to force me into situations that would not be good for me, I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that I am equal and one with all that is here and that within that there is no way possible that I can actually be inferior or powerless to anything since I am all things.  Instead, I realize that all that is here is merely showing me what I am and have been living within and as myself so that I can face myself.  I realize, that I can take my power back by aligning myself within and as self-honesty where I face myself for what I am and live every moment here as the breath where I not directed by the mind or energy.  Thus, I commit myself to speaking self-forgiveness out-loud in those moments of reacting in powerlessness and insecurity and inferiority, in order to assist myself to release myself in that moment from those emotional reactions and thus align myself here within and as the breath, as the physical as who I really am as all as one as equal – where my true power and my true equality lies.
  When and as I see myself going into a mind / physical possession of anger, frustration, anxiety about the future, and powerlessness, where my shoulders tense up, I pace about aimlessly, my voice raises in pitch and becomes louder – I stop and I breathe.  I realize that within this I am being completely controlled by my mind and thus have given ALL of my power away, ironically!  I also realize that participating in emotions and feelings drains my body of substance as it is converted and transformed into energy in order to sustain these mind possessions, thus aging me faster and breeding illness and disease within and as my physical.  I see, realize, and understand that I also am gaining nothing, no protection whatsoever by accepting and allowing these mind possessions.  Thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am in a mind physical possession, to slow down and start breathing and re-aligning myself here to within and as the physical where I stop and release my body from the grip of the mind and breathe here.  I commit myself to breathe deeply in drawing the energies into my chest and then breathe out using the 4-count breath technique until I am stable, clear, and here. 
  When and as I see myself participating in the thought that “if I do not react in fear and anger, then I am doing nothing to protect myself from this situation” I stop, breathe, and delete.  I see, realize, and understand that this is complete bullshit and that it is always in my and everyone else’s best interest that I remain here in breath as the physical where I am able to be most effective.  Thus, I commit myself to delete that thought, and say to myself in a stern voice “no.  I am my protection here as the physical.  I can stand through anything here as the physical.  My power is here as the physical.” – in order to reprogram myself to be and remain here as the breath as my protection. 
   
   

Day 339 – What it means to be “here” and what it means to be in the “now”

So, what does it mean to be here?  I haven’t actually defined this for myself specifically, so in this blog I will.

Being “here” is not like being in the “now”.  Being in the “now” is like being in a neutral energy wherein one must hold oneself in that neutral energy stance through meditation, or focus and then when that ends, nothing has really changed for the individual in relation to who they are as their mind, which generates positive, negative, and neutral energy; and thus, one isn’t really changed, but just holding or keeping oneself in a neutral energy that requires effort and focus for the rest of their lives as one battles the positive and negative energy by staying in the now / neutral energy.  So, when one is in the now, one is not really facing self or looking at self within the starting point of self honesty and the realization that one is not the mind, which is composed of positive, neutral, and negative energy systems, constructs, and designs.  Instead, one, is simply suppressing the positive and negative energy equations that exist within self by staying in the “now” / “neutral energy”, and thus one never really changes while in the now and thus one will always have to make an effort or a push to be in the now.  Also, the “now” offers no realization that one is actually one and equal with all that is here, in the totality of all existence, as self / as who self really is.   Thus through practicing the now, one is only accepting what is here as it is / as if one cannot change it / as if one is separate from it / as if what is here is not reflecting back to self who self really is.  Thus, through practicing the now, one is supporting and perpetuating all the abuse that is here through the justification that one cannot do anything about it through the belief and perception that one is separate from it.  Thus, the “now” separates self into neutral energy, which still creates both positive and negative energy equations as a consequence.  Thus, the now, is no solution to the abuse that is here, and only offers to separate the individual into an illusion of peace, wisdom, and self power that is created through the experience of neutral energy which is the now.

What it means to be “here” is that one does not live in / exist in and as any form of energy equation whatsoever, through the practice of aligning self within and as one’s breath and physical body through the realization that one is actually one and equal with all that is here as self.  Being here, means that one realizes that one is not the mind and that the mind is where positive, negative, and neutral energy comes from.  Being here means that self is not directed by any form of energy whatsoever, positive, negative, or neutral.  Being here, means that one recognizes that everything that is here, in existence is a refection of self and what self is living; and thus one that is “here” does not accept and allow anything to exist as it is, especially abuse; but rather, looks at self to see what self is living within self that is reflected in the external reality of what is here – and thus faces self in order to bring about the changes within self that will eventually reflect in the ending of abuse of all kinds.  Thus, being here, means that self will eventually find a solution for all abuse and adjust one’s living in a way that will eventually lead to the ending of all abuse and a world that is best for all – and being in the now, means that one simply accepts all that is here, as if one is separate from it, and thus will only perpetuate all the abuse and suffering that is here into eternity. 

Being here, means that one is facing self in every moment of breath and thus stopping any participation in positive, negative, or neutral energy – because that is what is required to be here.  Being here means that one is not directed by energy and when one is, one recognizes that one was not here, in that moment, and thus self-reflects by looking into one’s mind / self to find out, face, and change the reason why one went into energy / the mind, instead of remaining here – so that one can make the change to live here.  Being here means that one is not pretending to be some form of a greater being which is what one does when one is in the now / neutral energy.  Being here means that one has aligned oneself with one’s physical body as who one really is.  Being here means that one has slowed down and is no longer caught-up by the energy of personalities, backchats, and other constructs of the mind that are always emerging from the mind.  There is no energy equation to be “here”.  Being here also brings about the realization that one is in-fact one and equal with all that is here as self, and thus one seeks to change self and align self into what is best for all because one realizes that one is all that is here and thus does not just accept what is here as if one cannot change it because one is it. 

So, being in the now separates one into one’s mind in a holding pattern of neutral energy and thus accepts and perpetuates and supports all the abuse in this existence as it is now with no change.  Being in the now, one just simply creates a bubble fantasy world within one’s mind.  Being here, means that one sea’s and seeks to see everything that is here for what it is as self, accepts nothing as it is, and thus seeks to change self / align self into a living that is best for all in order to bring about an eventual change that is best for all in this physical existence.  Being here means to breathe and be aware of one’s breath and align self within and as the breath in every moment of breath wherein one is not moved by positive, negative, or neutral energies at all.

When one is “here”, one is looking to self with radical self honesty seeing self for what self is and has accepted and allowed self to be and become; and from there makes the changes necessary to align self with the physical and the breath where one is no longer directed by energy.  Being in the “now” means that self is hiding from who self is and has accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind / as positive, negative, and neutral energy equations in separation from what is here and thus there is no self-honesty, no self-change, and only the perpetuation of all the abuse that is here while one hides from it within a self created illusion of a god-consciousness which is the neutral energy of the now.
Thus, being in the "Now"is a form of suppressing one's positive and negative emotions and feelings, thus creating a bubble reality, neutral energy experience, where nothing really changes in self or this world; while being in the "Here" is simply a releasing of one's self from positive, negative, and neutral energy altogether - where no suppression, no hiding, exists; and this is done through the facing of self as all as one as equal as the physical, here, within the point that what is actually physically here is what is real and is a reflection of what self has been and is living -  wherein through the facing of self one releases self from all forms of energy, thus aligning self with the physical, which is what is actually real and verifiable, and thus lives the change that is required to bring about a world that is best for all.  Being in the "here" brings about a solution for a better world for all.  Being in the Now brings about only an imaginary better solution for self while perpetuating this world / existence in all its forms of abuse unto the end of time itself.  Being in the "here" brings about change.  Being in the "now" brings no change.

 

Day 338 – Waiting for That Special Moment

I find myself waiting for that special moment, that special time in the day where things will be better.  This means that I am judging what I am doing throughout the day negatively.  This means that what I do in respect to my daily responsibilities I have judged as negative and boring.  The curious thing is that I don’t have anything specific in mind that will be more exciting that what I do in my daily routine.  I work for money, I work around the house, I tend to my responsibilities to my kids, my animals, and my yard, I do my writings, I do my research, I get some physical exercise, I reserve a little time for entertainment – yet, I still have this slight anxious feeling throughout it all, that I need to be doing something more – that life needs to be just a little more fun, more exciting, more explosive even.  So, like, I am always just a little unsatisfied with everything that I do, looking forward to the next moment, not completely here.  Then, when it comes to the point that I do have some extra time, I go into the desire to have life the ultimate pleasurable experience and then start thinking of ways to achieve this.  When I think to myself, I should do more writing, or should clean up a bit with this extra time, I then react with fear, dread, and resistance towards these thoughts because I know that these activities will not yield the level of excitement that I am looking for and thus feel as if I will be unfulfilled if I do anything else than that which is most exciting.  Thus, I am always looking for that special moment of ultimate excitement, which acts like a point of self-sabotage, because that moment of ultimate excitement does really exist in the physical, it only exists in the mind as energy and that energy always collapse back into its source – the physical – leaving me here, right back where I started every time – looking for the next high, never here just living in the physical, fulfilled, complete in every moment of breath in the simplicity of just being right here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking for that “special moment” where things are more exciting, fulfilling, pleasurable that they are right here and now in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “life is about living for those peak experiences of total excitement, total gratification, total pleasure” when I see, realize, and understand that I created this believe within and as myself based upon memories of how I defined life in the past based upon influences that I received from others, from TV, from pictures, images, and ideas about life – where I am dutifully living out the past instead of living right here in every moment of breath as the physical doing what is practical and best for all, only and always.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when moving self here as the physical, where self is here in every breath moving the physical body to do and accomplish the various tasks and responsibilities required throughout my day – that when I am here directing myself as the physical of no mind, that I am in fact really living, really fulfilling myself, really creating that special moment in a constant way where I am always living that special moment as myself here as the breath, as the physical.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from living every moment as that “special moment” here in breath as the physical / as the breath by believing that what I am apply myself towards, such as chores etc., is “not enough and that I need something more” and thus creating a form of restlessness and haste within and as myself as I rush towards completing my required tasks so that I can get to that special moment that exists only in my mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate in the need / desire to do activities that create more energetic experiences of excitement, gratification, pleasure while in the middle of doing the task / chore / responsibility at hand.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this desire is of the mind seeking to create more energy to sustain its existence on directive power over me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge taking care of my responsibilities as negative and thus believe that taking care of responsibilities is boring, unfulfilling, and unexciting when in fact this is all just energy games of the mind where I separate myself from here living as the physical and as the breath when and as I participate in this energy and believe that it is me.

I forgive myself that I have neglected to live the realization that I am here as the physical already complete, already fulfilled, already entertained, already living my life’s purpose when and as I am here living as the breath as the physical moving with my body and paying attention to absolute detail of what I do in every moment of breath.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through my believing and participating in the mind and its desire for stimulating experiences thus judging and believing all of my ordinary chores and responsibilities to be unfulfilling, that I am creating stress and tension, within and as my mind and body, that accumulates to a point of needed to release and let it all out – in that special moment wherein I become mind possessed to just only do whatever it is that will make me feel that most release and bring the most energy – when all along, I have been neglecting that every moment of breath here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not accept and allowed myself to question my desires, my need for excitement, my need for something more than just simply doing what is practical for my survival and what is best for all within the point of “why?  Why do I need something more?  What will it bring me that I am not already living here as the physical?”

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the extreme foolishness of living for a future moment in time of imagined great excitement, fulfillment, pleasure, and gratification because even when those moments come in to being, they only last for a very short time only to have me wanting more, thus trapping me in endless cycles of self abuse where I separate myself from living here as the physical and into and as cycles of positive and negative energy, this keeping me trapped in time, in the same place never moving, never expanding, never really living – where I am trapped eternally living only for that positive energetic experience that lasts only for so long and thus does not really even exist.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I live for positive energetic experiences where I neglect myself here as the physical and my potential for the ultimate satisfactions, pleasure, gratification, excitement, purpose, and true living as the physical where I live these points eternally as who I am in every moment as the physical – that so long as I am living for positive energy – I DO NOT REALLY EXIST – and am frozen in place, trapped, controlled, and directed by energy.

When and as I see myself going into the desire, belief, and judgment that simply doing what is required for my survival and what is best for all in every moment, is somehow not good enough for me and that I need something more than simply being right here within and as my physical body, breathing – I stop and I breathe.  I ask myself why?  What’s the point?  I see, realize, and understand that this desire only comes from the starting point of my mind finding ways to generate energy to perpetuate its existence and thus, I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this any longer.  I direct myself to stop these thoughts, opinions, judgments, beliefs, and desire for something more than what is right here through deleting these constructs when and as they come up and breathing.  I direct myself to ask myself questions as to why these constructs are coming up so that I can slow myself down and look at them for what they are and thus assist myself in directing myself to stop my participation in them.  I direct myself to speak self-forgiveness in the moment in order to dissipate the energy.  I direct myself to start moving myself physical in and towards what is most relevant for my survival and what is best for all.  I direct myself to stop my mind and breath and get into all the movements of my physical body so that I can assist myself to ground myself here as the physical – where I really live as myself here in every breath the words that I am (no longer) seeking to live as energetic experiences of the mind.

Day 337 – A dimension of Insecurity

Insecurity as I understand it:

 

In a situation where I do not / not sure how to act therefore react with disempowerment and inferiority thus giving the situation / being authority over me as superior to me within that context and then go into fear and then insecurity towards that being / situation.

 

The other day, I was at my brother-in-law’s house at night and our kids were running around.  We were in the garage with the garage door 1/3^rd open.  The boys walked through the opening and into the darkness of the night in the driveway.  I noticed this, but continued to talk to my brother-in-law not paying much attention.  Some time went by, not sure how much, and then I noticed that I could not hear the boys and the last thing that I remember was they slipped through the garage door.  Realizing that I had no idea how much time they were gone and that it was nighttime, I went into a slight panic.  I asked my b-n-l if he knew where the boys were and he was not sure.  He made a cursory look in the house and could not find them.  At that moment, I because very panicky.  I went out through the partially open garage door and yelled out into the night walking into the open to get as much of a view as possible, but could not see or hear them.  Then anger triggered as I got pissed that the boys would just run off like that into the night.  I walked quickly home (I live a few doors down), and got my car and started back down the road towards my b-n-l’s house.  While driving I started having thoughts of how this time I would definitely spank the boys and I started imagining myself yelling at them and telling them how foolish they were / are and how they are putting themselves in danger and not considering others.  I felt helpless, like I would not know what to do with myself if I were not to find them.  As soon as I drove by my b-n-l’s house with my window down, my b-n-l walked out into his yard and yelled, “found them inside!”  At that moment, relief hit, still with anger a bit, but with the realization that I could not possibly by angry with them since they actually were inside the whole time.

 

So, in this situation, the boys going missing because a point of insecurity with me, where I did not know what to do or what I would do or say our how I would account for myself if they were missing and thus their seemingly being missing because a point of authority / superiority over me where I felt disempowered within the point that if I were to find them it would only be if they happened to be still on the streets somewhere and not kidnapped or something. I felt uncertain as to where to go looking for them first; and within this I then felt insecure about the whole situation.  Then as a matter of regaining my power, I created the illusion of authority / superiority and knowing how to handle this situation by reacting in anger towards them where I imagined just how angry I would be and act towards them when and as I found them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in panic to the perception that our boys had gone missing outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when and as I realized that, at least it seemed, the boys had gone off into the night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts like “what would I do or say or how would I account for myself if the boys were really missing?” to the trigger of realizing that they may be missing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts like “holy shit.  They’re missing!  They’re off in the night somewhere!  How can they be so foolish!?” to the trigger of my realizing that they may be missing.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with blame towards our boys for what seem to be them running off into the night wherein I am blaming them for not taking consideration for their actions when it was I who was not considering my own actions in paying better attention to them.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that blaming our boys for what appeared to be them running off was in fact a way for me to create the illusion of empowerment / superiority within and as myself from a starting point of feeling disempowered / inferior to the situation and also as a being who was not paying attention enough to know where our boys were in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling powerless / disempowered to the situation of having our boys go seemingly missing within the point that I am powerless over the outcome of whether I find them or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat “I have no idea if I will find them or not – it’s completely up to chance!” Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the emotional energy of disempoweredness towards this situation thus giving this situation authority over me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling inferior to this situation.  Within the point of feeling disempowered, inferior, and uncertain as to what to do or where to begin to look, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in insecurity to this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to / towards our boys as a way to create the illusion within and as myself / my mind of power, superiority, certainty, and control over this situation.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with backchat like “I can’t believe they just ran off!  How could they be so stupid?  How could they be so selfish?  I will definitely spank them for this!  If anything gets the point across and is deserving of a spanking, it is this!” of which fuels and charges the positive feelings experiences being empowered, in-control, and superior to this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into imaginations about all the things that I would say and do to the boys, in my anger, in order to “teach them a lesson” in order to make myself feel better / create the illusion within and as myself, about the situation at hand, that I am superior, in-control, and empowered which is a positive experience that I am attempting to create within and as my imagination as a reaction / solution to the negative experience of feeling, disempowered, inferior, fearful, and insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the backchat of “not knowing where my boys are / not being able to know for sure if I can find them / not knowing what might happen to them / the consequences to myself if I were to actually loose them”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in uncertainty towards the best resolution of this situation as in where to look first and if I could even find them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the solution to my emotional reactions of fear, uncertainty, disempowerment, inferiority, panic, uncertainty, and then insecurity is to simply slow down, stop all the back-chat through breathing and deleting the thoughts that come up and also grounding myself through the breath by moving the emotional energies from my body into my chest area in the in-breath and then releasing them through the out-breath until I am clear.

When and as I see myself in a situation where it seems that my boys are missing or that they are doing something that they are not supposed to be doing that could be dangerous or detrimental for them, and then I start reacting in panic with thoughts like “where are the boys?  Oh shit!” and then my heartbeat increases and my breathing becomes quick and shallow while I pace around in a form of restlessness, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to go into a panic when and as it seems / or I have lost my boys or that they are doing something that they are not supposed to be doing that is dangerous or detrimental to them, physically.  I see, realize, and understand that panic will not help me whatsoever in remedying the situation at hand and that the best course of action is to remain calm, breathe, and then formulate the best course of action to take and walk it breath by breath.

When and as I see myself reacting with the emotional energies of disempoweredness, uncertainty, and fear towards the observation and back-chat that “our boys seem to have run-off into the night and that I do not know where they are and that they may by kidnapped or lost and that there is no guarantee that I can even find them and I have no power to call them or summon them into my presence” – I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in the illusionary energy experience of disempowerdness.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in fear.  I see, realize, and understand that disempoweredness is an illusion and that fear will not do anything to protect me or solve my problem.  Instead, I direct myself / commit myself to breathe in drawing the energy of these emotions into my chest area while at the same time stopping my thoughts / backchats, and then breathe out, breathing these energies out of my body and grounding myself here in the physical.  I see, realize, and understand that no matter the situation, the best course of action is to always remain here, stable, within and as each breath and the physical where it is that I enable myself / empower myself to be as effective and directive as possible thus giving / gifting to myself that best possible chances of success.

When and as I see myself reacting in disempowerment, inferiority, fear, and then insecurity to and towards a situation that I have thereby given authority to and over me, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to go into the experience of insecurity because I see, realize, and understand that I create this experience within and as myself through my acceptance and allowance the polarities of empowerment / disempowerment, and superiority / authority / inferiority / submission to exist within and as my mind as if they were physically real instead of what they are in fact- mind illusions.  I see realize, and understand that as the physical / as physicality, I am in-fact equal and one with all that is here and that I step into my true power and authority and self-security when and as I stand as the physical, breath, and direct myself as the physical without any mind-interference or energies directing me – when I direct me here.  I thus commit myself to remind myself, in those moments, that I am in-fact equal and one with what I have given authority / superiority to, so that I commit myself to breathe and ground myself here where I thus empower myself as all as one as equal.  From here, I direct myself to find the best possible solution to the situation that I face and walk it breath by breath stopping all thoughts, emotions, feelings, and behavioral patterns as they come up.

 

Day 334 – Overwhelmed

As of right now, I am overwhelmed.  I have pressing issues at work with a net result of not making much money over the next 30 days or so.  I have a ton of bills.  I have other job-type opportunities that I would like to start to see if I can replace my job with something better, but am not able to get to any of these as of right now due to just being too busy.  I have a ton of housework to take care of.  I have a tooth that is slightly cracked and therefore it is difficult to identify which tooth it is for sure, but it is there for sure and will need to be crowned if I can identify it before it cracks all the way and I loose it altogether.  The crown will cost $800 or $900 and that’s if I can find the crack in time.  I have a windshield that needs to be replaced in order for my car to pass inspection.  And now finally, I dropped a metal toothpick holder on my cell phone and it just cracked and thus now I have to replace the glass cover or my cell phone altogether.  This just happened and due to all the other issues pressing down on me financially, I got a little pissed and very disappointed.  Then my son just evaded any type of talk regarding chores to do around the house, once again, in his magnificently brilliant way, of which pissed me off a bit too, especially with all the other shit on my mind.  Then, of course, there are my Desteni writings that I need to keep up with.  Yet, no matter what I apply myself towards, I feel as if it is not enough, or not fast enough, or not going to ameliorate my situation because I have like 10 things that need addressing all at ounce and I need more money than I can make at this time and thus I feel like I am wasting my time no matter what I do / no matter what responsibility I assume or take on or chore I apply myself too because what I need to have done requires more resources than I have right here, right now.  So, my overall experience is just simply being that of overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.  Not a single action I take seems to put me at ease.  I have the sense of tension, defeatedness, inadequacy, along with self-judgments like “I am not able to run my life effectively” and “there must be something wrong with me because I cannot seem to keep it altogether” then there is also blame, like, there is just too much at once for me to handle or like this world is too expensive.  So, I am in a bit of a mess right now.  I don’t seem to be able to settle down and just focus.  I feel defeated.   Self defeated.  What I want to do is escape and veg out and just do nothing.  That makes me feel better about the fact that I feel that I cannot do anything that will be effective enough to remedy my situation.  But, then doing nothing gets me depressed and then I feel like I am wasting my time, my precious time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed with my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my situation with thoughts like “I am not good enough” / “I am not able to manage my life”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself react with overwhelmingness to all the things, responsibilities, and potential costs that I am facing right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot remain here and simply direct myself to do what is best for my situation breath by breath and step by step where I just do what it is that I can do with where I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with / step into the “I want give up and go hide and escape” character to my current situation and my reaction of overwhelmingness to my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and blame when and as and to my cell phone cracking and breaking when an object just fell on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the potential cost of my cell phone breaking, which is on top of all the other costs I am facing along with low income at this time at my current job.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the potential costs that I face have authority and power over me; and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus feel disempowered by the financial strain that I am under right now and then from that disempowerment react in anger and blame / blaming life / blaming objects that fell on my phone due to gravity / even looking to blame possibly the one who placed that object in the position where it fell from / blaming the current money system for being so “oppressive” in nature – in order for me to feel more powerful / in control and also release the negative energy of feeling disempowered and overwhelmed by my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the illusion of a positive empowering energy experience through the outburst and release of an anger / frustration reaction directed at life in general where I yell out “aarrghhh!!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze up and be of no effect because I am in the energy of overwhelmedness and thus nothing that I set myself to do seems like enough or adequate to resolve my situation and the manifold responsibilities that I face right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that “this is not enough”.  “I don’t have time to do this responsibly because I have so many other things to do at this same very time” and thus within participating in these thoughts, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a withdrawal character where I just don’t do anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply the simple task / self directive action of writing out a list of all the things I face and responsibilities that I have right now so that I can asses their true “threat” and also map out the best course of action to take to resolve all of them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that no matter what I face, how many simultaneous responsibilities facing me at once, and no matter how “bad” it gets, that I can always choose to remain here and breath and align myself and stand within and as the physical as who I am – where no mind reactions exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in nervous energy to my overwhelmedness and then pace around the house looking for something to do or distract me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure that cannot keep “bad” things from happening to him.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge having financial hardship as “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent because no matter how hard I try, I always seem to mess up somewhere.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I may express the point of incompetency at times in certain applications, but that does mean that the totality of who I am is “incompetent”.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent and then react with depression instead of just looking at what I have shown incompetency with and finding ways to resolve those points and bring myself into competency in those points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat that “life is just too much and that I cannot handle what comes at me and will never be able to stave of financial difficulty”.

I commit myself to stand here and breathe and stop the backchats, emotional reactions, beliefs, and judgments that add up, layer, and accumulate to a point of feeling overwhelmed and then wanting to give up and do nothing.

I commit myself to map out what I face on paper, this evening, assess the individual as well as their combined consequences and remedies, and then commit myself breathe and simply move myself to do what is necessary to bring about the best possible solution in the most practical way.

When and as the overwhelming energy comes up, and I react with nervousness, fear and anxiety and the desire to give up, and pacing around the house looking for something to do and distract me – I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allowed myself to go into the overwhelmed character because I see, realize, and understand that this is just self-sabotage and does not represent reality at all and does not help in me in any way whatsoever.  I commit myself to thus, stand up, breathe, and stop my mind to thus dissipate this energy until I am clear.  From here, I commit myself to list what I need to do and then do what is most effective and work myself down the list in a practical way.