Day 429 - Argumentative Character - Thought and Imagination Dimensions

Argumentative Character – Thought Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought as image/picture to automatically come up within my Conscious-Mind with a negative resonance of “others reading my Facebook posts or hearing my words, thinking that I must be stupid, and laughing mockingly”, and that I in this forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am in that moment accepting and allowing ONE THOUGHT coming up automatically within my Conscious Mind to determine, define who I am in my relationship to myself and who I am within my words based on what I am imagining in my mind others perceive me as instead of who I actually am within and as my words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I in fact in that moment have a decision – I either accept and allow myself to participate in this thought, and react to it, or I remain/stand with the decision to stand with me and my responsibility to me and my world and actually move myself within and as breath as the living word, breathing / grounding myself here without going into reaction to this thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for so long within and as this Argumentative Character, accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the thought that presents a picture in my mind of others mocking my words / laughing at me, separate from what is here, thus listening to my thoughts as if they are real – instead of remaining here with me and the decision of who I am to apply responsibility/discipline in/as my world/reality as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this Thought, this ONE THOUGHT that would essentially roller-coaster me into and as my Mind, and completely compromise me / my world / my stance as breath, my equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ONE THOUGHT to become MORE than the physical, practical simple reality that I am equal to my words and what others may think of me does not change who I am as my words.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how ONE THOUGHT as an IMAGE/PICTURE can control/determine the entirety of who I am as the decision of me in a moment of physical, practical living – which would come to show the extent to which I’ve in my Mind come to be influenced by images/pictures, instead of the living of who I am here in practical physicality.

THOUGHT Dimension: Self Commitments

I commit myself to, when and as I notice this Thought / similar same Thought manifesting in my Mind – ESPECIALLY when/as I am facing a moment when someone says something or replies in a manner to my words that is not in agreement with what I have stated / appears to not be in agreement or is challenging me with what I have stated: I stop – I stop participating in this thought / image / picture by taking a breath, speaking the living statement of who I am as “I alone define me within and as the words I utter, and no one else” and then physically move me to refrain from uttering any words that are not supportive of Life in equality and oneness. As I see, realize, and understand that with accepting and allowing myself to follow the white rabbit of Energy as the Thought / image / picture, it’s going to lead me into and as the abyss of the Mind to consume me into and as Energy in that moment, and so completely separate me from myself, the physical and the practical responsibility before me.

Argumentative Character – Imagination Dimension

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moment someone challenges / forms a retort / voices a potentially adverse response to my position / claim / belief / supposition / postulation, from the initial pop-up Thought as image / picture (see thought dimension writing), accept and allow myself to go further into my Mind in separation from me and reality by accepting and allowing myself to imagine others’ not only mockingly laughing at me / judging me in the scene / play out in my mind, but also misunderstanding me / my point / position / claim / belief / supposition / postulation / assertion in a way that they get the wrong idea of who I am and what I am trying to communicate / stand for, and then improperly judge me wherein I do not have control / power over what they think / belief of who I am / stand for / am communicating, all as as negative resonance. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power / control away to the energy as imaginations of the mind, all due to my erroneous definition idea of what power is, instead of standing as true power in and as breath, here.

In this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I am using my Imagination within the energy polarities of positive and negative, where I would Image and create a negative experience in my MIND of others judging me due to misunderstanding me / my point, and then accept and allow myself to go into my imagination as positive resonance / experience, imagining what I can say / type / posit in response to correct my imagined misaligned / unfair judgment of me from others, rather than taking practical responsibility as me within/as my world/reality, to remain here as breath / physical not going into these imaginations, and communication / uttering words that are best for all / supportive to stopping the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how, instead of simply Breathing and in that grounding myself before responding, I instead accept and allow myself to go through this whole Process in/as my Imagination – Imagining an entire negative-experience scenario / play out, as people unfairly judging me and then imagining its opposite as a positive-experience scenario / play out, as me getting my power / control back of others perceptions of me through force / forceful words designed to provoke polarity reaction – and while busy in my MIND with these energies as Imaginations, I thus miss the moments / me / Life, HERE, as breath – as reality pass me by and I fall and become devoured / consumed by the energies of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in/as this Moment – give my power away to/as the Mind as Energy in / as my imagination, instead of remaining here in reality as the directive principle of whom I am in/as my living/doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into ENERGY as Imagination, and so give up on me and living/being the directive principle in/as my doing/action in/as my world/reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into and as Energy and Experience within and as Imagination, instead of simply sticking to reality, breathing, and responding to others as an equal, without judgment and without fear, realizing that I cannot help what others may think / perceive / believe about me / my words / my stance and that it matters not – what matters is that I express here in every moment of breath, as a living example / as an equal, uplifting and supportive of Life / equality, and not going into the positive / negative / neutral energies of the mind / ego defense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage/compromise myself within my responsibilities to me/my world, within falling into/as energy experience and imagination, and not practically living here and communicating to others as an equal where the words I utter are supportive of Life / bring forth life careful not to provoke energetic reactions in myself or others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place fear of being judged by others / fear of being misunderstood and judged by others as ENERGY before RESPONSIBILITY as LIVING as an equal within me and my world, as breath.
Self Commitments

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself activating the Argumentative Character and am thus busy in my Imagination, Imagining other scenarios/play outs other than what is RIGHT HERE before me / as me / my world / as what I am actually living in-fact within and as my words, I direct/will myself to stop participation, through taking a deep in-breath and out-breath, taking my hands away from the keyboard / placing them by my side, remaining silent and breathing until the imaginations as energies have cleared, and then immediately physically direct myself to respond from the starting point of what is best for all instead of defending my ego / imagined picture presentation of me in other’s minds.

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in and as my imagination, creating a negative experience and positive experience polarity, especially in instances when one appears to be challenging / questioning / mocking my point / position / postulation / assertion – to immediately will/direct myself to stop participation, through taking a deep in-breath and out-breath, and then only use words that are supportive of life and what are best for all with no concern of that what I cannot control – what others might think of me.


I see, realize, and understand that with accepting and allowing myself to participate/entertain imagination, I am participating/entertaining my own MIND with ENERGY and then not in fact here within and as actual, practical physical reality, contributing to my living process in/as the REAL WORLD. And so, I commit myself to, through assisting and supporting myself in/as this Process from Argumentative Character to being / expressing as Amiable / Amicable / Complaisant / Tractable / Supportive / Peaceable, to not accept and allow myself to deliberately compromise/sabotage my practical reality responsibilities for energy experience/imagination that only lead me into and as the Mind/separation, but to stick to stick to my decision of who I am and in-fact live and express as an equal and what is best for all.

Day 428 - The Persecution Character

Per-se-cu-tion

1. Hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs.

2. Persistent annoyance or harassment

Relevant synonyms: harassment, hounding, badgering, teasing, bullying

I could have named this article the scientific persecution character or the vaccine persecution character or the political beliefs persecution character because in all of these three areas, I have developed quite a vocabulary and thus seem to cant help but persecute those who do not espouse to my views in these matters, especially on-line.

I could of also named this writing, the Verbal Diarrhea Character, because in essence, all these other characters that I listed above could be included in the acts of verbal diarrhea, although verbal diarrhea covers a broader construct.

I could have called these characters the Bullying Character as well.

Nonetheless, I have realized long ago that none of these characters are supportive and that I must stop. However, I have not yet fully stopped my participation in these characters, although I have improved over time, if that counts for anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the persecution character, especially on-line where I am “safely” behind a computer screen and do not have to face, in the flesh, my “opponent”, and persecute others for their beliefs, especially when it comes to science in general, vaccines, and political beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have been indeed infected with a mind virus of verbal diarrhea that must be purged and corrected and is not supportive in my process or in others. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I speak shit, I manifest shit, and then I experience that shit and that this virus is also contagious and others that I infect experience the same shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully, harass, badger, hound, tease, and persecute people on-line in regards to their political, religious, eating, or scientific beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a specific vocabulary in regards to defending specific topics, such as vaccines, and then wait for the opportune time to wield this vocabulary on an unwitting opponent with the intention of giving this opponent “a taste of their own medicine” and also with the intention of “standing up for what’s right” which is thus self-righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-righteously attack, harass, bully, and persecute another for their political, scientific, religious, or dietary opinion – all areas that I am fairly well versed and rehearsed at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to derive a pleasure and thus positive energy experience when going into the persecution character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself that I am standing up for “what is right” or that I am “making an effective change for the better in this world”, through my going into the Persecution Character, when in fact all that I am really doing is charging up my mind consciousness system and my opponents and all those who are reading my bullshit online- of which is just creating a bigger problem and sinking us all deeper into the pit of despair.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak or type words with no awareness to what affect my words have on myself or others in regards to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carelessly and negligently use my words wherein as a consequence I build up my mind consciousness system and others as well, of which supports all the abuse in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support all abuse in this world with the words that I foolishly speak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak as a fool – with no regard for the consequential outflow that my words may produce.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak any words that are of absolute blabbering nonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see or hear someone type or speak words defending, especially when I perceive it to be arrogantly, subjects that I have done a shitload of research in, such as vaccines, various scientific topics, dietary issues, religion, and politics – act as a “trigger” for me to go into the Persecution Character – wherein, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these triggers to trigger me to go into and become possessed by this self created character and desire to self-righteously persecute and bully another being for their beliefs and positions – all justified within the delusional idea and belief that I am giving them a “taste of their own medicine” and standing up for what is "right".  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed and possessed by the Persecution Character, instead of stopping my participation in it by bringing myself back to the breath.

When and as I see myself going into the Persecution Character or see potential triggers, as mentioned above, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to remind myself that this is bullshit and that I am not doing anything whatsoever to aid and support Life, or create a world that is best for all by going into this character. I commit myself to, instead, stand in and as the breath, in oneness and equality, here as the physical and slow down and not communicate at all if I do not have something supportive to say or add.

I commit myself to test my communication by asking the question – does it stand in oneness and equality? Does what I am about to communicate support me and support others equal and one? Or does it influence me as the mind and others in and as the mind, supporting abuse and creating more problems in this world?

I commit myself to only speak words that are straight, direct, statements of who I am and what I stand for, as the living word, of Life, in oneness and equality – so that I can have an effectual outflow, in and as my words, of creating a world that is best for all, where I can support with my words, the manifestation of real equal and one solutions – instead of perpetuating problems with speaking blabbering nonsense.

Day 427 - Irritation Reaction

Moment start: The other day at work, when I looked at the delivery board, I saw what appeared to me to be my co-worker taking liberties to change our delivery schedule to accommodate his customers schedule in-spite of mine that was already scheduled in that same time slot.  As soon as I perceived this, memories came forth of "how he has done this in the past" and with that an onslaught of thoughts forth like:

• "My customer may loose his schedule that I promised him because of this!"
• "How can he do this!" 
• "He has no regard!" 
• "He just does whatever he wants!" 
• "He has no right to make changes to the schedule without consulting me!"
• "I cannot let this continue without speaking up!"
• "He is breaking our code of conduct."
•  "I cannot allow his insolence and disdain to continue!"

then as a consequence to my participating in these thoughts, emotions came up of:

• irritation, 
• exasperation, 
• worry (worried that my customer may not get the schedule I promised him), 
• indignation, 
• resentment, 
• rancor, 
• and vexation.    

Becoming emotional, I then marched in to my supervisors office in an effrontery making a complaint against my co-worker.  My supervisor, later that morning, addressed the situation with both of us in front of the schedule, and to my chagrin, it was pointed out that it was actually me who had placed my customers schedule in the wrong part of the calendar and that my co-worker had done nothing wrong.  My supervisor also pointed out that he noticed my emotional state of which I thought I had concealed.  I was further embarrassed and ashamed, even fearful for the sake of my job to a limited extent, as a reaction to that.  Moment end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with memories coming up and then react with thoughts about another person in reaction to the memories, all triggered by my seeing what I believed to be a change in schedule done by someone other than me, despite of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these thoughts coming up in my mind to be me.  Thoughts such as "How can he do this! (as listed above)", as reactions to memories of this happening before, of which came up in reaction to seeing what appeared to be a schedule change on our scheduling board, and then go into them and be possessed by them, instead of breathing and remaining grounded here as the breath and as the physical, and stepping back as the observer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the past, backchat about this particular point and person in relation to this particular point; and then create, as a consequence, the emotional bodies of irritation, indignation, resentment, disdain, and rancor towards this person and point, all attached to memories of these events that happened in the past.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be possessed by these emotions attached as emotional bodies to these memories, triggered by a symbolically similar or actually similar event.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have not released myself from my participation in back-chat and emotions from the past, to similar events, with self forgiveness in the moment, or simply applying myself to stop and breathe in the moment, that these past experiences then became encoded and embedded within and as my flesh as "bombs" (memories attached to emotional bodies) waiting for "a trigger" / something similar symbolically or actually, to set them off / set me off.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn myself into an emotional bomb / emotional terrorist because of not taking self-responsibility in past moments to correct myself in self-honesty and stand in my self awareness, as all-as-one-as-equal, when and as I go into the mind, by stopping my mind and my participation therein with self forgiveness and applying myself as the breath, of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment and rancor towards this person.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges towards this person based on my own backchat in regards to previous events.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these grudges from myself because I want to appear to myself that "I am a good person".  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself with reptilian logic instead of taking self-responsibility to release myself from these opinions and judgments and backchats in the moment when and as they come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and exasperation to this person and situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react worry and vexation towards this situation.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of survival in regards to this situation.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is fueling and charging worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disapprobation and then self-righteousness towards this person and situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dis-empowered towards this situation because someone appeared to take something from me that I may not be able to control. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go justify myself going into all of these emotions, as listed above, as a way to take my power and control back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with indignation towards this person and event due to my perceiving my treatment to be unfair.
Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become haughty and insolent in my conduct, body language, and words and tone when taking to my superior in regards to this matter.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot control myself because of too much emotional energy and also because it was my "right" to act in this manner because of this "unfair and disrespectful" treatment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then finally react with chagrin when it was finally pointed out to me that it was me who incorrectly scheduled my customer after all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be careless, negligent, and hasty in my duties and my reviews of things that I have done.
When and as I see myself reacting with memories and / or backchat towards an event or person where I perceive injustice, unfair treatment, disrespect, spite, and contempt towards me (or even another), and / or emotions come up of disdain, annoyance, irritation, anger, rancor, indignation, exasperation, and disapprobation, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that this is all in my mind and that even if it is real-in-fact - that the solution is not to react with back-chat and emotions, but to breathe and remain grounded here in and as the breath and as the physical.  Thus, I commit myself to stand in the midst of the storm and remain here grounded as the Rock of Life, breathing.
When and as I see myself becoming emotionally possessed, believing that I have "no choice" but to act out.  I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to be possessed emotionally.  I commit myself remind myself, in that moment, that I am not required nor is it necessary for me to react emotionally and that this is of the mind and not who I really am of Life.  I commit myself to take advantage of the self awareness that I have in the moment, to step in and stand as the breath of Life, instead of reacting when and as I have the chance to do so, in the infinite moment before I act / express.  I commit myself to remind myself in the moment that I have to do so that I, as the breath of Life, am always able to be the directive power of me, no matter how strong the emotions may seem.  I commit myself to remind myself that emotions only seem to have power in and as the illusion created by the mind.
When and as I see myself going into the experience and feeling of feeling dis-empowered and then wanting to take revenge, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself in that moment that revenge is only the illusion of power and that real power rests in my ability to stand and express one and equal with my self honesty and self awareness - which is to stand as the breath of Life, and express as the "I am" in every moment of breath.
I commit myself to apply self honesty and self forgiveness in the moments throughout my day so that I do not create emotional bodies attached to memories to act as triggers and thus can support myself to remain here in and as the breath in every moment of breath de-bugging the viruses of the mind one by one, breath by breath, until I have re-created my mind as a physical mind that works with equality with what is actually here.

Day 426 - Science and the Inquisition

I have come to see science as an utter fraud.  The major "theories" are crap.  You know, these theories: The Big Bang, Evolution, Heliocentrism, String theory Quantum theory, Relativity, Black holes, Germ germ theory -- all of them  I reject them all as Catholic emanated poppy-cock.  And I reject others too, I just can't think of them right now.  Science is bullshit.  There I said it. 

I know a lot of people, in fact most people, place their trust in science, so this is hard to hear.   Allow me to expand as to why I think its all bullshit:

1.  I cannot personally verify any of it.

2.  Most scientific theories have emanated from the bowls of Catholic or Jesuit clergy (just google this to see for yourself).

3.  We live in a prison planet where nothing can be trusted, especially what is taught in public schools from a young age (ironically, this I have personally verified - yet it takes quite a bit of self-honest consideration to do so.  So, if you have not verified this yet.  I suggest you get started).

4  We are brainwashed with scientific theory from a very young age, starting with globe theory.

5. When you cannot personally verify something, then those who hold the "knowledge", like scientists, become you access to the "unknown" - making these people another form of clergy and thus another religion where one can be controlled and told what to do.

6.  Theory, by definition, is "make-believe", other-wise, it is called "law", scientific law.  Theories can suck my ass.  They can fuck off.

So, fuck that.  Scientists and science can FUCK OFF.

Now, with all that said, I have developed an anti-science character of sorts where like if I sniff out that someone is too trusting of science, then I become a form of an inquisition and begin persecuting that person for their beliefs.  LOL.  That makes me laugh because that makes me like religious in a sense.  LOL.  The irony in it all!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to persecute those who I see as trapped in the fraud of science.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior in intellect to those that I see as trapped in the fraud of science and the make-believe of scientific theory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form myself into an inquisition persecuting those who believe in science and scientific theories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat about others whom I perceive to blinded and brainwashed by science.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop and create in and as my mind an "anti-science" personality that activates when and as I see someone espousing the virtues of scientific theory - and then start persecuting that person for his / her beliefs just like the Spanish Inquisitors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-righteous-ness to those who espouse to scientific reason thus believing that I have a right to persecute and challenge in an offensive way these people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disdain towards those that espouse the virtues of science and scientific theory coming from a starting point that I am better or superior to them, which is of polarity and simply not true in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am standing up for a truth and justice by persecuting those who embrace science, when in fact I am just causing more friction and polarity enslavement to the mind of which is ironically producing more bad science and exacerbating the problem of scientific fraud because the only way to get "good" science is to stand equal with all as one, and to apply self to support a system of equality that will eventually lead to good science that can be trusted.

I commit myself to, when and as I start reacting to written words on-line, or verbal words - that start espousing the virtues of science - to start breathing thus stopping these reactions in their tracks, grounding them back into and as my physical so as to remain clear and here.  I commit myself to hear the words of others without reacting to them while listening.  I commit myself to remind myself that we are all in different stages of process and have different "view" points to work through as a consequence.  Self included.  I commit myself to place others inside of self so that I can walk with them from where they are as me, one and equal.  I commit myself to thus stopping the scientific inquisition character that I have created in separation within and as my mind, and to bring myself back to earth here, as all as one as equal as physical.

Day 425 - Less Than

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and come up "less than".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in the prison of my own mind through my fear of being "less than".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may be "less than" worthy of other's company, in their eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others deserve less than me in the basic requirements for life and living on this planet such as food, shelter, money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in-spite of everyone else by missing even one breath, and within this I forgive myself that I have thus manifested a world were billions are viewed and thus treated as "less than" life, including possibly even me, as a consequential outflow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is justifiable that others have access to "less than" enough food / money / shelter to have a healthy body, and live a dignified life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live in a world where most beings are considered "less than"worthy of living in dignified living conditions, and then I do nothing about it, through my continuing to live out the characters of my mind, thus taking no self-responsibility to stop creating a world of inequality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest my own fear of being "less than" by creating myself as systems, that are "less than" Life, through my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be "more than" others: more worthy, more funny, more rich, more successful, for likable, more intelligent, more talented  -- all so that I can feel worthy of Life and because of my starting point of fearing that I may be "less than".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear, in that I fear that I am indeed "less than" and thus as a consequence now exist as "systems" of which these systems that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become are none other than my fear of being "less than" manifested, because systems are indeed "less than" Life because they are a derivative of Life, but not Life itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that Life is equal in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "less then" and then react in fear to other's seeing me as "less than" when and as I am in their presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always have to present myself in a certain manner in order to be acceptable in another's presence, otherwise I will be judged as "less than"
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand if I fear being judged by others as "less than" - that I have already judged myself as such.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self as "less than" and then become nervous.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge self as "less than" and then try to be and appear to be "more than" in order to feel worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this pattern of fearing that I am "less than" and then competing to be "more than" has a consequential outflow of this manifested world of billions who are now living with "less than" enough food to eat.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my only option is to be be "less than" Life, OR equal to Life as Life, and that anything short of equality to Life results in a world of abuse where abuse is justified because some are "more than" while others are "less than" in the eyes of the systems which are de-mans running the world today.
I commit myself to equalize myself with Life through my dedication to stopping my mind as systems that I have allowed myself to be and become.
I commit myself to stop all comparison and judgment of others, and self, by forgiving it in the moment as it comes up, in real-time so long as it takes, until these patterns stop and my structural resonance has changed.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop all matters of comparison, competing, and judgment by reminding myself that these are patterns of the mind and systems that are less than Life, and that I am "here" as breath, where no judgment, comparison, and competition exists - and then apply self-forgiveness in the moment, to assist and support myself to remain here as breath in every moment, of Life, thus taking my stand as equal with Life.
I commit myself to show that if one stand equal with Life, as the breath of Life, that one can then help create a world of equality, where abuse does not exist - even if it takes decades.

Day 424 - I'm Sorry

I notice myself apologizing a lot; and when I look at this, I see that it is more in a way to "grease-the-social-skids", than to make a real change. In fact, I guess that this is what this word is for when you look at the definition:

Apology: "A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure"

And then there is the word:

Sorry: "Feeling regret or penitence."

And then there is the word:

Penitence: "The action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance."

which, as per the definition, an apology involves having done "wrong", which is "reptilian logic" of which is based upon “right and wrong”, “good and bad”, “positive and negative”.  

So, basically, when someone does something "bad / wrong / negative" and is caught for it, that creates an "offense" and then there are like "charges" against that person and then an apology is required / owed, in order to balance the equation once again.  Thus, there is no actual self-honesty required in an apology, just "words" to balance polarity charges and "ease the polls", like a form of policing action.    

More-over, I even find myself apologizing, at times, as a way to take the "higher road", kind of like being "sinless", yet going to the cross for the "sins of the world."  Like, hey man, I apologize because I am that cool.  I can take a hit.  

But, in the end, because there is no self-honesty required in an apology, then there is no change, and the same shit is going to come up again in the future, which makes an apology meaningless.  Funny thing an apology is.

So, perhaps I should redefine the words "apology" and "sorry":

"Apology / Apologize" sounds like:

  - appalled guy / appall(ed) guise -- which sounds like it means: giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of ones actions (very interesting)

  - ape eulogy -- very interesting too, I see, because often times we say "monkey head" things in apologies like "you did not deserve this or that because of your "saintliness" in this situation, etc., etc.

  - a polo guy -- I am making a bit of a stretch here, but the name "polo" is a Tibetan boys name, meaning "brave wanderer".  And a wanderer is someone who travels "aimlessly".

 And the word "Sorry" sounds like:

  - soar eye -- Like I rose "too high" on myself and could not see what I was doing

  - sour eye -- My actions were based on a sour eye - tainting my interpretation of things to that of negative and that disposition being the starting point for my words and behavior.

  - sore eye -- Seeing things from a point of personal pain and then acting accordingly.

  - sure eye -- like I was too self-assured in my eye and could not see 

  - sure why -- same as sure eye.

  - sewer eye -- needs no explanation here

Ok, so from the sounding of the words, I can see some redeeming qualities in the word "sorry" but not too much in the word "apology".  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I am sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of a feeling of regret and penitence, instead of from a starting point of self honesty and self awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of "greasing the social skids" without also looking at myself in self-honesty to see if there was a point or pattern that I missed or am covering up, where I am not acting in equality and oneness and need to direct as breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and apologize just so that I can look like "I am an-appalled-guy" for my actions, as a form of a show to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give an appall(ed) guise, falsely giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of my words and/or actions so that I can "grease the social skids", get what I want, give a false impression of who I am in another's eyes, and/or not have to really in-fact face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize like "a polo guy" - an aimless wanderer -- who throws words out aimlessly following them where-ever they may lead / speaking in the moment without self-honest consideration as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I "owe" an apology in order to balance the equation based upon reptilian logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "owed" an apology because of a "wrong" that someone has done unto me of which is reptilian logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an apology is due / owed because of things that I have judged as "wrong/negative/bad" of which is polarity and enslavement to the mind as systems, devoid of Life.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disdain as a reaction to my belief that an apology is due/owed, but not given.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling penitent, regretful, and remorseful when I have judged my actions as "wrong/bad/negative" in the eyes of another; instead of remaining grounded as the in-breath in and as self-awareness, testing my self awareness into infinity against the standard of all-as-one-as-equal in the infinite moment between the in-breath and the out-breath, and then expressing as one with my self awareness in the out-breath - as my solution and my eternal stance, of no mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions of penitence, regret, and remorse be the starting point of an apology instead of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an apology to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I say "I'm sorry" I am really saying that I have a sore/sour/sure/soar/sewer "I" that needs to be made into a healed/made-palatable/humbled/brought-back-to-earth/cleaned-up "I" - and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the self-commitment to radical self-honest change involved in an apology because only I can do this for myself and I must do this for myself in order to be one with my words when I speak an apology.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize with no commitment to actual change.

When and as I see myself going into an apology I commit myself to bring my self-honesty in this matter into and as my immediate awareness and thus use an apology only when the circumstance merits from an absolute self-honest all-as-one-as-equal position where self-change in the matter is equally part of the equation OR because of the social condition of this world as it exists now, I have no other option but to apologize in order to keep the mind consciousness systems from freaking out.

I commit myself to use the words "I'm sorry" sparingly.

I commit myself to live the words "I'm sorry and I apologize" by speaking these words, sparingly, but when spoken, they are spoken with an equal-and-one self-commitment to apply myself to the change required, so that an apology will never again come up, for the matter-at-hand, from a starting point of my self-dishonesty.

Day 423 - Defensive

Moment start:  The other day, I was sitting at my desk, at work, and my boss walked in and over to me with authoritative body language and with a stern voice said something to the nature of  "Josh, the delivery address is not 1609 Wildair St., it 1909!  That's the 3rd address this week that YOU have missed.  Our delivery guys cannot go on runs with bad addresses!  You need to check you addresses.  We cannot afford, nor due we have time, to be making mistakes like this!" 
Not even half way through his words, thoughts started rushing in to my head like "this is not the case!  I had that address right" and emotions of resistance, agitation, and defensiveness rushed in as well.  Also, memories rushed in of previous times I had been careless with details, but since then I had made an "effort" to change this about myself. 
While my head was flooding with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories, I had a moment of self-awareness available to me to breathe, and I chose not too. 
Then reacted to him with defensiveness in regards to my backchat and emotions, then raised my voice a little back and taking an authoritative stance in both tone and body language, said to him "No, that isn't so!  I got that address from the customers plans.  He (the customer) must have had the incorrect address on the plans!  It wasn't me."  My boss wasn't ready for that one, seemed a bit confused.  Then acquiesced and walked away.  I honestly believed that in the moment, but there was a part of me that wasn't sure.  So, after he left the room, I checked the address on the plans and to my embarrassment, it was 1909!  Moment ended.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read my bosses body-language and vocal tone as authoritative and then react immediately with becoming slightly on-guard and defensive, instead of remaining "here" as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts that emerged as reactions, from my structural resonance, to my bosses words and body language, are of me as the "I Am", thus becoming them through my belief, instead of remaining "here" as breath, standing in and as my self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and shame, when and as I heard the words spoken to me that "this is the 3rd time this week you have given a bad address!" especially because of memories in the past when I have been "careless and negligent" with details, and that I did not want to see this about myself here in this moment.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to change myself in this regard and to react in fear that I might not be able to change myself in this regard, and thus react with feeling embarrassed and dis-empowered.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react with agitation and slight anger as a way to take my power back and deflect blame away from me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an excuse and justification and say to my boss that "the address was incorrect on the plans" implying that it is NOT my fault, it is the plans fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and to believe that the energy of resistance is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with shame and to believe that the energy of shame is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment and to believe that the energy of embarrassment is me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the sacred geometry of embarrassment is based upon fear-of-change and fear-of-loss - and therefore in my case, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I cannot change this "negligent and careless" quality about myself - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of loss - in that I may not be the projected image of self-greatness, that exists in and as pictures and ideas in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling dis-empowered and to believe that this energy is me. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as a way to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this pattern of defensiveness as a way to not face myself for what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defensiveness, instead of slowing down and facing the situation for what it is. 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my bosses body language, words, and vocal tonality as being "harsh" and too "authoritative", and "inappropriate", and then react in fear and agitation to this.
When and as I see myself reacting to someones body language and vocal tones with a flood of thoughts and judgments coming up, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that I am not these thoughts, judgments, feelings, emotions, and pictures that are coming up in my mind.  I am the "I am" that is "here" always the same, constant, of no mind. 
When and as I see myself reacting with the pattern of defensiveness, which includes the emotions of shame, embarrassment, blame, agitation, and anger - I STOP.  I commit myself to breathe and remain here as the breath of Life.  I see, realize, and understand that the pattern of defensiveness is of energy, of the mind, and only serves to protect the mind as systems.  I commit myself to remain here as the breath, and breathe until this pattern and the emotional energies that come with it, disperse and grounded back into and as my physical body. 
I commit myself to remain "here" stable, constant, and the same - and take self-responsibility to "hear" the "bad" report and face it as one with it as me, because I see, realize, and understand that no matter the report that someone has of me, "that I may have not been acting within what is best for all and the best possible version of myself" - that this does not change the fact of who I am as the "I Am", as the breath of Life.  Instead, I commit myself to take this opportunity to remain "here" unchanged and "hear" the "bad" report, so that I can sort myself out and take self-responsibility for who I am and what I accept and allow.
In this case, I commit myself to address in future writings the points of "carelessness and negligence"