What I am seeing, when I look at it, is that the very act of
going to work initiates fear, resistance, and also back-chat regarding what I
need to get done, how I am going to go about it, that I don’t particularly
‘enjoy’ it, and that I am not sure where to start all the time – should I do
this? Or would it be more effective if
I do that? I also have this tension
when at work like as if a form of protection while I go through the agony of going
to work. Nothing that I face of this
system is too extensive where it is like in my conscious mind all the
time. Rather, it is there in the
background and easy to miss and overlook and suppress. Just the word ‘work’ evokes this work
personality system to activate within and as me.
So, like I go to work and then the subtle work personality
activates wherein I am like a little stressed and a little tensed already
before anything really even happens.
Then I have all these things that I need to get done and it is stressful
just picking out what I should do first and what would be most effective. Then as the day goes by, I get frustrated at
little things and people who ‘get in my way’ of getting things done most
effectively – yet, I waste a lot of time also doing little things here and
there / taking breaks, etc – all to alleviate this subtle stress / tension and
also to ‘escape’ from the drooling work that I have to do – day in and day out
– the same fucking thing everyday of my life until I day because I can’t even
save money to get ahead!
Yet, from a practical standpoint, my work actually,
fortunately, is quite easy on a physical level and even on a mental level. All I have to do is some easy mental and
physical tasks, the same things over and over again – and voila – money appears
in my bank account. Now, it’s not much
money, but it gets me by; and the work is boring and repetitive and
unfulfilling overall (at times it can be very fulfilling however), but the work
is easy in and of itself. So, from a
practical standpoint, I should just go to work, get what I need to get done in
the most effective manner as to assure maximum income potential and then go
home and that is it. No stress, no
tension, no battling required to get this done. I just do it and that is it.
Moreover, really when one considers it, all work is exactly
the same. Work is just something that
needs to be done in order to obtain money, or ‘order’ within the point of
keeping clean, organized, etc, or to assist someone. There should be no reaction in this. It’s all the same and it is the majority of what needs to be
done.
So, why not just wake up and get what needs to be done, done
with no reactions and no resistance? I
often think to myself that ‘it would be so cool if my reaction to work were the
same as it is to just sitting around and relaxing’ – in that in the end,
everything is just me doing something and so long as that something that I am
doing is not physically excruciating and uncomfortable, then what is the
fucking problem? Why not just live and
do what is required and get it done and also within that be able to be here and
stable and constant in that I am the same person no matter what I am doing? I mean, I have thought many times that it
would be so cool if going to work was the same internal experience as it is
going to the store on the weekend, right?
Wouldn’t that be cool? Like I
just go to work. No big deal. I am totally cool - totally calm and relaxed
just as if I were going to a cool store on the weekend. I mean, after all, its just different
physical activities with different names.
One is called work. And the
other is called play. But both require
me to move my physical body and apply my mind in slightly different ways but
overall not to any real significance, really.
I mean, I get up and put my clothes on and walk to work and sit and walk
while at work just like if I were going to the store or sitting around reading,
working in the garage on my hobbies, etc.
It’s all just the same shit with a different name. Is it not?
So, I guess I probably also has a resistance to the word
‘work’. I have had so since I was a
kid. I can remember when my parents
told me they had ‘work’ for me to do that I would become all disappointed,
stressed out to a certain extent, and would try to avoid it at all costs. Yet, what did I do in the end? I picked some shit around the house,
organized some things, wiped some countertops off and stuff like that and in
the end it was just me moving my physical body around getting things done just
like I would have done if I were off playing somewhere.
So, really, there is no work and there is no play. Everything is just a physical
application. That is it. The stress, the pleasure, the emotions and
feelings that arise within the activities that one does are based upon how one
defines those activities and defines self within those activities. Some people LOVE work. They work all the time. There work is there relaxation. So, why is this? Because their work is soooo coooool? Who knows, but regardless, reacting to things that need to be
done because one has labeled what needs to be done as something like ‘work’ is
a pointless, fruitless exercise of separation from what is here and is not
necessary and also creates experiences both positive and negative that are not
real, not of the physical here – but of the mind as energy.
So, over the next so many writings, I will be doing self
forgiveness on work, I will probably redefine the word work, and walking
self-commitments so that I can change my relationship to work so that work
becomes just another thing that I do to ensure my survival and
self-responsibility within this system as it exists now both to self and to
others – where there is no reactions and resistances that cause stress and
tensions any longer within and as me – where when I go to work, I am clear and
it is just another activity that is required to do. Just like going to the bathroom.
I need to go the bathroom in order to take care of my body. I don’t go into stress and tension while I
go to the bathroom because fortunately, LOL, I have not labeled that as work!
To be continued…
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