Day 241 -- Anxiety and Nervousness in Business Transactions, II

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back-chat: 'where do I stand with this being', and 'what does this being think of me', and 'does this being think that I am full of shit' while in business transactions.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a positive value in and towards any type of statement or reaction from the other being that 'seems' to suggest that the other being is seeing me positively - wherein I get all excited and hopeful that things are going well based upon the words and body language of the other being - and I get all depressed, fearful, and worried should the other being not say or do or behave in a way that he / she should be according to expectations that exist within and as pictures, ideas, and constructs within my mind, that would make me feel good about the situation.          

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hope for the best' and 'fear the worst' within business transactions.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the experience of anxiety as a consequence of hoping for the best and fearing the worst.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within 'hoping for the best and fearing the worst', I am completely abdicating my self-responsibility to be the directive principle of me in and as every breath; and instead abdicate this to the energies of the mind.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that what my mind is doing within the reaction of anxiety, is putting me on pause for a moment until my mind can decide for me who I am going to be in a given situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in nervousness when and as I believe that I have no idea who to be in a given situation.  Within this, I forgive myself to see, realize, and understand that within the belief that 'I have no idea who to be' shows me that my personalities and characters that exist within and as my mind-consciousness system are not diverse enough to cover all potential situations, and it also shows me that I am not living as the directive principle of me, but instead I am relying on the pre-programmed characters and personalities of my mind to live my life for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself - in that I fear that I might say something that might cause someone else to react negatively towards me and thus decide not to do business with me / decide not to give me what I want.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that anxiety and nervousness are a form of prop-up for the manipulation character - where I seek to manipulate others in order to get what I want, need, and desire and when I go into a situation where I am un-prepared or have judged the other being to be superior to me in some way, then I 'freeze' up within the reactions of anxiety and nervousness so that I won't say anything that might jeopardize my chances of manipulating the other being so that I can get what I want, need, and desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am no match for the energetic reactions of anxiety and nervousness because when these energies come on, they come on suddenly and intensely where I can feel their destabilizing affects where there is electrically charged sensations rolling throughout my chest area, my shoulders tighten, my thoughts become hard to articulate, and I find it hard to speak due to fear of all these energies getting in the way of what I want to say - thus, within this experience, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze-up, as this experience is intended to do so, and thus submit to the mind and become and embody that what I fear - the fear of saying the wrong thing, as there is no way that this will not be the case so long as I remain in this anxiety and fear reaction.  Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take directive control where I prepare myself in advance within my writings, self-commitments, and also within the specific applications, such as doing business transactions with high dollar customers, where I prepare to speak with these beings equal and one to the point where I have and create within and as myself self-confidence - the self-confidence to speak with others as equals and as me, within each breath, where I have already sorted out the best way to handle myself and chosen the best words appropriate for the given situation within the starting point of equality - and instead of doing this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit the energies of anxiety and nervousness to act as a form of protection from perceived harm - when I see, realize, and understand that these reactions offer no protection whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that and to judge that those who make lots of money are 'better' than me, are more sophisticated than me, are more capable than me, are smarter than me, and are thus judging me as inferior because I have less money.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed to a certain extent  when conversing with those who have achieved a higher level of success within this economic system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that those who make more money than me are judging me as inferior while I am talking to them, thus creating within and as myself distrust of self and who I am and what I am capable of expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to merge the desire and fear characters to my reactions of anxiety and nervousness -where I also fear the worst and desire the best outcome.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the electrical and erratic nature of an anxiety and nervousness reaction is destabilizing to me and my physical body.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the energies of anxiety and nervousness are designed place me in a holding pattern while my mind, as me, seeks the best possible response to avoid the fear of death, the fear of loss, the fear of rejection, and the fear for survival.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I live here as my directive principle of me in every breath, as the physical, as equal and one with all as me - within the realization that all really is me, of me, as me - as we all are of the same material, we all have the same needs, we all have a mind with various characters and personalities that were given to us as a means to control us, and that beyond this - we all can exist without the mind where there is no judgment, no separation - thus, it matters not what others think of me and how they react, as in the end we are all equal - then I would simply act in each breath in a way that is best for all, that is practical, and anxiety and nervousness would be useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to those who make more money than me, and then judge myself as less-than / inferior to these people and then project that self-judgment on to them within my fear that they are judging me as inferior.  As a consequence of this projection, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself a reaction of nervousness when doing business with these people within the realization that I am nervous because I do not believe that there is a personality or character that I can activate that will be 'worthy' of the other beings 'respect', and that within this I fear - that no matter 'who I am as whatever personality or character I choose to be' that it will be inadequate and that the other being will still see me as 'less than and inferior no matter what' - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in nervousness and then to justify my staying in a reaction of nervousness as a means of self-protection, while communicating with those I am doing business with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying the wrong thing when in business transactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to others judging me as 'not knowing what I am doing in business.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my survival and thus connect my survival to the acceptance of others in business.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and nervous while talking business to high dollar customers because if they reject me - I may not be able to survive and also it may finally be proven that I am not fit for survival.  Thus, within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have placed a positive value on the acceptance and approval of high dollar business accounts because I have related this point to my very survival.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the anxiety and nervousness characters that come out as a consequence of my placing such a positive or negative value on the potential outcome of business dealings - where I have separated myself from myself and my self-worth where who I am as self-worth and as a being is dependant on the acceptance of others who can give me money, instead of as it should be - constant, stable, unconditional, as life.