I feel as if I have been misrepresented and falsely accused
by 2 people that I know as regarding a certain situation. My reactions to this caught me by surprise,
as because at first when hearing the news of their ‘report’ on me, I was not
that upset by it. But the more I
thought about it and compared their report on me to my own memories of the
events and who I was in the events, I became more and more upset to the point
where I believe to a certain extent and have been participating in internal
conversations / back-chat such as ‘I cannot let them get away with this’, ‘they
are misrepresenting me’, ‘they are trying to manipulate me’, ‘I have to set the
record straight’; ‘they are lying about me or are just completely out of their
minds’, ‘they are trying to make me look like the bad-guy and an abuser when I
am not.’ So, the more and more that I
compare their report on me and my own memories of the actual events, the more
and more that this back-chat generates in my mind, and then that charges up
anger reactions towards them within the context of my acting in anger to try
and get them back, or show them that they are lying about me, or exaggerating
about me, or trying to manipulate me in some way, or manipulate others to gain
attention for themselves in some way.’
Thus, I have had anger reactions towards one of these people this past
week as a consequence of all this. Now,
I really do believe that their ‘side’ of the story is a misrepresentation of
motives that I am not completely sure of, because my memories of these events
and who I am and who I was during these events definitely do not match their
side of the story. And that is what is
making this so difficult to contain, because as soon as I start in with myself
about how this is not what happened, etc., then all the back-chat starts
coming, etc. And if I try and let this
go and just accept this false report on me, then I feel weak, or as if I am not
standing up for myself. Thus, I am
trapped between 2 points – 1. feeling
weak, etc., and 2. getting angry with them.
Now, I am not saying that they are necessarily lying about me, in
fact. I mean, people do have different
interpretations of events. However, in
this case, I do believe that there could be some dishonesty on one of these
people parts going on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
as a reaction to hearing a report on my behavior that conflicts with my own
memories of both the events and who I was in the events, go into the back-chat
‘I cannot let him / them get away with this because his / their report of me
makes me look like an abuser.’ Within
this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear
and have a fear reaction to the point of ‘looking like an abuser.’ Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to connect fear of looking like and abuser to fear itself,
and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in
fear to my own fear / to fear itself.
And thus, within this cycle of fear, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to generate and charge fear energy within and as
myself to a point where I channel into an anger reaction – which is actually
manifesting the very thing that I fear, as a consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
as a reaction to hearing a report on my behavior that conflicts with my own
memories of both the event and who I was in the events, go into the backchat
‘he is lying and making me look like the bad-guy’. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to connect fear and have a fear reaction to the point of ‘looking like
the bad-guy’. Thus, I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of ‘looking like the
bad guy’ to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to react in fear to my own fear / to fear itself. And thus, within this cycle of fear reaction
and then reacting to my own fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to generate and charge fear energy within and as myself to a
point where I channel this fear into an actual anger reaction towards these
very beings – which is actually manifesting the very thing that I fear, as a
consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
as a reaction to hearing a report on my behavior that conflicts with my own
memories of both the event and who I was in the events, go into the backchat
‘he is doing this as a manipulation tactic to gain power and control over
me’. Thus, I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of ‘being controlled and
manipulated’ to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to react in fear to my own fear / to fear itself. And thus, within this cycle of fear reaction
and then reacting to my own fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to generate and charge fear energy within and as myself to a
point where I channel this fear energy into an actual manifested anger reaction
towards these very beings – which is actually thus manifesting the very thing
that I fear as a consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
allow my own backchat and fear of ‘he is lying’, while in conversation with
person X, to act as a trigger for me to go into an anger reaction towards
person X.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
allow my own backchat and fear of ‘he is trying to manipulate me’, while in
conversation with person X, to trigger a reaction of anger towards person x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
allow my own backchat and fear of ‘he is trying to make me look like the bad
guy’, while in conversation with person X, to act as a trigger for me to have
an anger reaction towards person x.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fuel the emotions of fear by connecting fear to my own backchat, then reacting
in fear to the fear that I connected to my backchat wherein from this fear
state, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this
fear to fuel my imaginations and projections within and as my own mind thus
making everything bigger and more serious than what it really is within and as
my own mind, and from there connecting more fear to these imaginations and then
reacting in fear to those fears that I connected to my imaginations that were
fueled and made into more than the actual events they were based on by my
initial fear cycle – thus within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to charge up my own fear reactions through imagining and
expanding on the event in my mind to make it more than what it actually is and actually
represents. Thus, within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself by
connecting fear the initial event, then reacting in fear to my fear, then using
this fear to fuel and generate my imagination to thus make the event more than
what it really is and represents- and then from there connect more fear and
more fear reactions to my fear, and on and on until I am consumed with fear and
totally detached from what is actually here and what actually happened in the first
place. From within this, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards the
imagined events that occurred within and as my own mind as imaginations and
projections that were merely a consequence of the fear cycle that I just
outlined. Thus, I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger to my own imaginations,
projections, and my own fear reactions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see,
realize, and understand that my reactions in anger towards those who I see as
‘falsely accusing me and misrepresenting me’ are also a defense mechanism so
that I can not have to look at myself
and instead blame others for what I may in fact be doing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down
and breathe when and as I see myself going into the fear reactions towards both
my hearing of what these people have said about me and also to the fear
reactions towards my very own back-chat that I have participated in within and
as my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become consumed and controlled by the energy of the thoughts as back-chats of
these people where I go into internal conversations about how they are ‘wrong’
and how I might eventually be able to ‘get through to them’ in order to prove
that I am right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge the others observations and accusations of me as ‘wrong’ both factually
and morally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
separate myself into the polarity of ‘I am right and they are wrong’ thus
within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
through this polarity, create friction and conflict within and as myself and thus
fuel the energies of fear, anger, resentment, spite, and revenge towards those
who have said these things about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect fear towards the physical application and solution of slowing down, breathing,
and stopping my own mind / my back-chat and internal conversations due to my
belief that if I were to do so, then I would loose control of the situation and
that I would be weak and not standing up for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect the emotions of anger, spite, revenge, and being controlling to taking
my power back and standing up for myself.
To be continued…
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