Day 273 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Releasing myself from self-sabotage, Part IX

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a ‘half-ass’ starting point where I only stand when and as it suites me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be loosing a part of myself if I ‘give everything up’ that is of the mind / of energy as stimulation, excitement, fun, happiness, pleasure, fulfillment, and gratification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words stimulation, excitement, fun, happiness, pleasure, and gratification through living the polarity equation wherein I feel these things as a reaction to a conditional experience that I have where certain requirements are being fulfilled and met.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that living for positive experiences such as that of feeling happy, excite, pleasured, fulfilled, and gratified creates a polarity equation within and as myself where I automatically default into the negative experiences such as boredom, unhappy, and unfulfilled, as a consequence of living this polarity equation, until something conditionally stimulates me to move from the negative to the positive experience within and as myself.  Within living this point, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have completely subjugated myself to the positive and negative experience of energy and thus I not really living nor am I really standing as the director of me – but energy is living for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a fear of loss to the point of giving up my desires and fantasies that can potentially bring me the energetic positive experience of pleasure, gratification, and superiority within the point that ‘I am the one who can fulfill his fantasies and desires!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a fear of loss to the point of giving up my desires and fantasies because ‘if so, I may never be able to see if I had it in me.’  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to and just suppress my fantasies and desires because possibly I can, maybe one day, ‘prove to myself that I am the one that can fulfill his desires and fantasies thus proving that I am indeed superior.’  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the polarity equation of having the desire to prove to myself that ‘I am superior within the point that I am the one that can fulfill his fantasies and desires’ wherein this implies the polarity of feeling inferior as my starting point and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the experience and suppress belief and fear that I am in fact inferior to others within the point that ‘I cannot get and experience that what I want.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the negative polarity of feeling inferior, bored, restless, unfulfilled, un-excited, and un-gratified as my starting point and as a consequence of my seeking the positive experience of being entertained, excited, gratified, and pleasured – wherein I only am feeling the positive side of this equation for a limited time if and when a condition is meet, that I created within my mind based on my memories, back-chats, images, pictures, and judgment that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me /  my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who I perceive to be living their dreams, fantasies, and desires and then believe that I am ‘less-than’ because I cannot do the same thing, and thus experience the emotion of inferiority as a consequence.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with all life for the ultimate experience so that I can prove to all life that I am in fact superior and within the point of being superior – I am worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-worth into the point of my being able to fulfill my desires and fantasies as if I am inferior and thus worthless if I am not socially and physically able to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the negative polarity of feeling ‘un-worthy’ of life / as life / as a man / as a human so long as others are doing things and fulfilling points that I am not able to do.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this negative experience of feeling un-worthy create a point of competition where I am competing with all life, regardless of the consequences, just so I can feel and experience myself as worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only worthy if I am superior to others.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and unworthy towards others so long as I see that I am not able to live and express in the fullness that some can within and as this system of money and competition as it exists now.