Day 275 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Releasing myself from self-sabotage, Part XI

Day 275 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Releasing myself from self-sabotage, Part XI

 

So, what I am getting at with the title ‘Who I was from the beginning’ is that, from my earliest adolescent years that I can remember, I have been on this pursuit of the ultimate experience of which equals happiness, gratification, pleasure, excitement, and ultimately fulfillment; and basically, I have been attempting to bend the physical existence to my will for my pleasure and to fulfill my desires where I actually throw tantrums and emotional fits, either suppress or expressed, when things do not go my way, even in little moments here and there, and I thus experience myself as bored, frustrated, restless, unfulfilled, unsatisfied and needing more, as a consequence.  So, this ‘who I am / was from the beginning’ really signifies who I am /was from the earliest point in time that I can remember where I started ‘living’ what I had become as the pre-programmed nature of my mind of which is composed of faulty, polarized, conditional definitions of words and me as my words, specifically, the words ‘happiness’, ‘fulfillment’, ‘pleasure’, ‘gratification’.  I have been on a mission to fulfill the conditional requirements that I myself created within my own mind by ‘mindlessly’ absorbing and adopting the faulty programming of those around me and those who have gone before me.  In addition, I have been measuring myself as compared to others and thus competing to be the ‘one’ who can have and experience and maintain the ultimate experience which equals the ultimate happiness, the ultimate fulfillment, which also implies that I am the winner if I can obtain these experiences and the ‘looser’ if not.  This has been my motus operandi from the beginning of my ‘self-conscious / self-directive’ adult life – you know – that point in time, maybe around 10 or 12 years of age, where you realize that you can create experiences for yourself and thus you become a little more purposeful in what you do and say and who you associate with.  Of course, it got worse over the years, especially when I became an adult and able to ‘do what I want’. 

So, this is a tough program to crack because it is like giving up a part of yourself, like if I change my whole starting point where I just simply do not pursue the conditional fulfillment of these words as energetic experiences then I am ‘guilty’ of 2 things: One, I am guilty of ‘giving up’ on myself.  I mean, I have been living this point for decades now.  I just can’t give up now!  And two, I am ‘guilty’ of consigning myself to the negative experience of un-fulfillment, unhappiness, no gratification, no pleasure, boredom, restlessness – but of course, this is bullshit because the only reason I experience myself this way is because I am pursuing the positive polarity point that of course generates the negative as my default position!  And, I am actually guilty of a third point “being the looser.  The one that cannot fulfill his fantasies and desires and thus cannot reach happiness, fulfillment, etc.

Ok, so this point here, as outlined above, is fucking me over because like I am holding on to so many things just because I don’t want to ‘give up’ the ‘good fight’ completely that I have been on for years now.  Yes, I can give up the ‘ugly stuff’ and I can suppress the rest, to an extent, but I hold on just because, to summarize, I would be like giving up on myself, and my quest that I started so many years ago.  And of course, as a side point, I have been living this in-fact since the beginning of time and it seems clear to me that at so me that at some level, so are we all.

So, someone made a comment on my last post asking the question ‘who was I from the beginning – the beginning as a baby?’  Well, at that point, I still had the pre-programming of these points within and as my mind passed down from generations back just waiting to be activated, but I was not living these points as actual expressions at all.  I was simply here learning how to use my physical body and get around in this new physical world that I was in.  In fact, that is how I was also at the beginning of time.  At the beginning of time / existence as I emerged as a point of awareness, I was just here experiencing myself, learning myself, learning this physical existence as it was back then and basically reacting to what was already here as if it weren’t me or a part of me.  Through ignorance and naivety, I slowly evolved myself to what is here today as the totality of this existence, just like I did as a baby – I slowly evolved myself to what I am living today – only to find myself trapped within the very mind consciousness system that I identified with and helped to program through my participation within the point of ignorance and naiveté.  However, short of that realization, as a baby, I was just here trying to figure things out.  I was not yet trapped in the pre-programmed nature of the mind as I am today as a result of years of programming myself through ignorance and naiveté.  As a baby, I was interested in feeling-out / getting to know this physical reality with my physical body.  So, although I had it in me to become what I am today both as a baby and as who I was in the beginning of existence as simply awareness, back then I was more here and more interested in figuring out and getting to know what is here on a physical level.  And then, once I ‘figured’ everything out of which most of my figuring was based on faulty information from others infused with my own physical observations, I created a world view where I decided this is just how things are and from that point, 10 or 12, I started on my quest to have the ultimate experience of which I have never fully achieved and never will because it exists in my mind as pictures, imaginations, ideas, beliefs, and expectations –non of which is actually real.

So, now I need to go back to the beginning with PURPOSE and redefine myself with purpose and again get to know what is here physically with no energetic influence and relationship – a real equal and one physical relationship with what is here and with me as what is here.  And I have been resisting this due to my never fully resetting my starting point because my starting point has always been to get to know what is here, but within the context of energy and the mind, not in equality, not in physical reality.

Like, why am I here?  Am I here to have the ultimate experience?  Is my value really based upon how close I can come to fulfill my desires for the ultimate experience?  Because that is what I have been living.

So, now, let’s commit myself to be just like I was when I was when I was a baby, both in this physical existence and in the beginning of all existence, but this time with purpose – the purpose to get to know what is here in-fact as me in the very minutest detail where I understand consequence, energy, the physical for what it really is and then I do what is best for all in every moment, every breath.  In this, I see that I need to redefine about 10 words, as outlined above, or so, where I can create living definitions that are supportive of me with my new starting point.  I need to redefine myself, who I am, and what I am living for, what life is about, so that I can live with purpose, live with no energy reactions, live equal and one with all of existence as me, in stability, of which will eventually lead to a life of total fulfillment for me as well as all.

What I did not understand in the beginning is that I am not energy.  I did not understand that when I was reacting, positive or negative, that this was just energy of which I created as a consequence to my starting point, through ignorance, in separation where I considered myself to be separate from what is here and thus not responsible and thus friction occurred through my pursuit in and belief that I was the energy that I was experiencing.  In this, I moved myself in energy, defined myself through my experiences of energy, and thus created more energy of which I eventually trapped myself within – all in ignorance and self-interest.