Day 278 – Redefining What It Means To Live

What I’ve been observing is that my definition of what it really means to live needs to be corrected.  I’ve been living life with this expectation of greatness, joy, excitement, pleasure, and entertainment as a standard modus operundi wherein I compare everything that I do with pictures, ideas, opinions, beliefs, and expectations about ‘how life should be’ and ‘what life is all about’, all of which were just ‘given’ to me by television, my parents, my peers, popular music, and popular culture in general throughout my life – and then through comparison, I make judgments of my living conditions, positive or negative based on these comparisons and then find myself directed to ‘fix’ the problem of negative judgments with filling the time that I have with something that fits my ‘positive’ definitions of what life is supposed to be about .  Yet, none of my ideas, beliefs, standards, expectations, and ideas about how life should be lived and experienced ever came from a starting point of self-honesty and practicality – and none came from the starting point of taking into consideration what is best for all in regards to the outflow of consequences of my actions, thoughts, and words. 

You see, I was never trained or taught to do this nor was a value system ever put in place to do this because life is about ‘fulfilling your dreams’ and ‘happiness’ and ‘good times and bad times’, (which of course the good times and bad times construct is simply a way to ‘justify’ the negative outflow of consequences that come through living within the self-interest of seeking only fulfillment through energy based experiences), ‘learning a few lessons’, ‘competing to win’(while at the same time not admitting it due to the social implications of looking and appearing selfish and self-centered), living and fulfilling my dreams (whatever that really means.  I mean, what the fuck are my dreams anyway?  This is definitely a topic in itself), and then finally dying and going back to ‘god’.  This is the life that we are programmed to live and this is a deep rooted program that runs in the back-ground constantly directing self to run back to the mind as energy, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

So, within this, I am directed by memories of all the TV programming, the words people spoke to me of which instilled ideas and beliefs within and as me that I integrated within and as myself at a subconscious and even unconscious level, perhaps, where I am and have been ‘held back’ from any real living self-expression due to my blind obedience to living out this faulty, self-centered, definition of what is means to really live life that was given to me by me parents, my culture, and television.

It is time that I redefined what it means to live, to really live, so that this new definition can thus supplant and replace the old self-destructive one that was been guiding me for all these years.

To be continued….