Every once in a while I get entangled into a pointless
debate about something completely irrelevant to anything that really matters
while at the same time is divisive, and completely unsupportive to others,
myself, and building a world that is best for all. I become mind possessed by this character of 'I must prove myself
right and you must acknowledge it'. I
get trapped into having to be validated by the other, of which will never
happen within a debate type setting of winning and loosing, and I recognize
that this 'acknowledgement' that I seek will never happen due to the fact that
I am in a competition when debating - yet, I carry on anyway until the bitter
end. Then, I look back on it and feel
like shit. I feel as if I am totally
fucked up and that there is nothing that I can do about it because this is just
who I am, as if I can't change. I
become scared that I might just be a really fucked up person after all, and
then start worrying about it and worrying that others might see me this way as
well. So, to sum up, at times I get
'caught' in pointless debate / a fight to the death to see who is right and to
have myself / my point of view validated.
I carry on with this debate until the bitter end, relentlessly, and
causing friction, division, and separation in the process. Then, I look back on it and think to myself
'how did I let this happen yet again?', 'who the fuck am I?', 'I am totally
fucked,' 'people are going to see me as an asshole'. 'I am an asshole'. 'I have
the asshole gene and I can't change!'.
And then a possession of worry, regret, fear, and helplessness that I am
just doomed to be who I am as the 'asshole fucker' that causes division and
friction. But then I realize, that is a
fucked position to take as well. I can
change. I don't have to live in the
past. I can recognize a pattern, and
then release myself from it. I have the
power to change, and it matters not who I was in the past - what matters is who
I am here in every breath and also what practical steps and applications will I
envoke to support myself to stop this bullshit pattern once and for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
react with cognitive disonance when and as I perceive someone to have a view
point that conflicts with mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
desire to practically force others to see things my way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become angry and frustrated that others have come to different conclusions
about this reality and the purpose of life than I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become mind possessed with proving myself right within the point of actually
having myself validated by others as right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not be able to accept that until mankind takes self-responsibility and stops
his ego, myself included, that there will always be different opinions and
beliefs about what is physically here - and that this is to be expected. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be angry, frustrated, and blameful towards those who have
different view points than mine when I see, realize, and understand that those
with different view points are here to show me the consequences of living
within and as an ego / personality / mind-consciousness system in complete
separation from what is physically here - thus, I forgive myself that I have
not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am angry, frustrated,
and blameful with and towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see,
realize, and understand that I am doing the same exact thing as all those who I
blame, get frustrated and angry at.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become mind possessed with the desire to be validated by others who have
different view points than mine to the point of causing serious friction,
conflict, and separation within both of our minds - thus, within this, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and
understand that I am supporting all the pain, suffering, and ignorance that
exists within this starting point - no matter if I am technically right or
wrong about the actual facts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
become mind possessed with fear, guilt, regret, and worry about 'what I have
done' when and as I look back on pointless debates that I have had.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear that I cannot change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself as an 'asshole'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe and thus participate in the back-chat that 'I have he asshole gene /
pre-program design' and thus cannot change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand-up,
take a step back, and breathe until I am clear, when and as I am faced with a
point of someone voicing view points and opinions that differ from mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect fear to my past actions - essentially fearing myself and who I am and
who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Within this, I forgive myself that I have
not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear does nothing to
support me in making actual change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see, realize, and understand that fearing myself is not a solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that I cannot change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself as an asshole / bad person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
self-victimize myself as within the point that I am helplessly a victim of my
pre-programmed design.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up
and breathe when and as I am in the heat of a debate and can see that I am only
defending my ego.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see,
realize, and understand that it is only my ego that I am defending and that as
the physical, I have nothing to defend because I am already equal and one with
everything that is here and am responsible for everything that is here.
I commit myself to stand up and breathe and stop my desire
to defend myself and be validated by others.
When and as I see myself observing someone's opinion,
belief, or view point that conflicts with mine and then thoughts start racing
through my head about who fucked his/her point is, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to judge
others words. I commit myself to
instead listen, breathe, remain here, and try to see who they are within their
words so that I can learn more about myself, them, what is here, and from here
I commit myself to only commutate when I am free of any emotional or feelings
energies wherein I choose words that are only supportive, free of any debate or
ulterior motive such as desires to be acknowledged as 'right' or validated.
When and as I see myself become mind possessed by the desire
to be proven right character, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that his is just a character of the ego and that
it is not real, necessary, or supportive.
I remind myself that I do not accept and allow myself to be mind
possessed by this. I commit myself to
breathe and move this energy / character out of my physical body using the
breath as my stability and support.
When and as I see myself going into regret, worry, blame,
and self-judgment about 'how fucked I am to be so hot headed and debate needy',
I stop and I breathe. I remind myself
that I decide who I am. I remind myself
that who I am here in every breath is what really matters. Then I commit myself to stop my participating
in these characters through directing my attention to my breath / my breathing
where I breath and stop my mind until I am clear. From here, I move myself within what is best for all.
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