Day 315 – Judging what I am doing

I have this tendency to always be judging what I am doing from the perspective / starting point of ‘what’s in it for me’?  And of course, ‘what’s in it for me’ means ‘what kind of energetic charge / ego boost / validation / enjoyment will this activity bring me?  So, this greatly reduces my effectiveness because instead of doing what is best for all and most practical I am doing only those activities that I have a positive relationship too or that will bring me some ‘benefit’ of which this benefit is rooted in the self interested of have some form of mental enjoyment to and towards it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be judging what I am doing as ‘good / bad’, ‘positive / negative’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be always looking to do something that will make me feel the best, feel the most excited, feel the most entertained instead of simply moving myself to do what is best for all and most practical in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking for ‘what’s in it for me’ as the deciding factor of moving myself to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking for the most positive, exciting, fulfilling experience within what I do.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that while looking for the most positive experience or thing to do, that I am already creating the negative experience of feeling bored until I find that special thing to do, at the same time.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within looking for and only allowing myself to do the most positive thing to do, that I am using this point to suppress the negative experience of being bored, unfulfilled, and unsatisfied.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am creating an energetic cycle of moving from negative to positive and back again over and over again where my entire life is dominated between moving between positive and negative energy and thus within that, I am not really moving at all but instead trapped within the energetic cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself that ‘at certain times of the day, I can only do certain activities’, such as at night, I can only ‘veg-out’ because otherwise I will still be ‘working’ and thus unfulfilled and stressed when I need to relax’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and backchats such as ‘I can’t do writing or work at this hour!  It is at night.  Or I can’t work around the house at this hour, it is not the right time or I have already done a lot of work’ – within the point that these backchats are just opinions and not based upon physical reality of what I actually physically can or cannot do at any specific time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future wherein I imagine myself doing a specific thing at a specific time and then when the time comes I hold expectations within and as myself about what I should or should not be doing of which compromise me to simply move myself to do what is best for all and most practical in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that true living of the word ‘spontaneous’ wherein one really simply moves self to do what is best for all and most practical based one’s needs no matter what the time or moment is or dictates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself within and as ‘spite’ – wherein spite of everyone and everything else I move myself to only fulfill my energetic fantasies and impulses of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself within and as the self-interest of fulfilling the energetic expectations, fantasies, desires, and whims of me as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I do is not where I will find fulfillment, happiness, excitement and that by pursuing positive experiences through what I do, I am only generating the negative as a consequence wherein there is no escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to move myself to do things that fulfill or validate my ego or self-definition instead of see, realizing, and understand that everything is simply a self physical movement and that within that all activities are equal and can only be measured within whether or not they are best for all and practical.

When and as I see myself judging what I am doing by participating in backchat like ‘this is bad or this wont be fun or I can’t do this right now’, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this because I see, realize, and understand that I am compromising myself and that my starting point of this is ego.  I commit myself to remind myself that all activities are in-fact the same within the point that they are physical movement and that the only way to measure an activity is within the questions ‘is it best for all?’ ‘Is it most practical for my survival or living needs?” and if it is – then I commit myself to simply do it.