Day 178 – Worry is Anxiety is Worry is Nervousness Part 2 – Loss of Control

I am beginning to see that worry is a slightly different experience that anxiety. I will be investigating worry and anxiety for a while now, as well as nervousness. I will also pick-up on my 'breaking down worry series' as soon as I am done with this writing.

In this writing, I will be looking at worry and how it relates to loss of control. What I am seeing is that I go into worry when I feel that I no longer can control the outcome of events – where whatever might happen is something that I have no control over and worry is like an attempt to control something or find a way to gain-back control where also fear is involved, fear of the consequences in relation to what might happen. So, fear is driving the worry because if I did not fear what might happen, I would not worry about it no matter if I were in control of the outcome or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the future and what the future might hold, and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that worrying about the future is not a form of control of the future and does nothing to mitigate or alter the potential consequences that the future might hold.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the element of 'control' and perceived loss of control triggers and contributes to my emotional experience of 'worry' when and as I perceive that I have no control of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must worry when and as I perceive that I have no control over future consequences that might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go beyond the physical and mental task of taking practical steps to assess and prepare for the future and the consequences that it might hold beyond what is practical - where I go into the state of worry where I go over and over a given scenario beyond what is necessary to outline or assess all potential consequences, into a state of redundancy where I repeat scenarios in my mind / future projections over and over again to try and take control of the future and what it might hold by hopefully finding a 'new' angle that I had not considered before. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of false 'hope' within and as the state of worry, which thus justifies worry wherein within the act of worry I am in essence hoping that I will see something that I have not seen before that I can thus act on to regain control of the future again and thus keep what I fear happening from happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there may be 'hope' for a 'good' outcome of events when I worry about the future as if when I stop worrying about the future, that is the point where I have no 'hope' any longer, thus going into worry is like putting off the eventual realization that there is or may be no hope; and that the future will hold what it holds and I have no control over that. Thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that placing hope within and as the act of worry or relating hope to worry does not do anything to alleviate, alter, or take control of the future at all – that the future will hold what the future holds regardless of the worry that I participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the future and what the future might hold when potential consequences are beyond what I desire to experience or believe that I can 'endure' or 'handle' or I perceive that future potential consequences might adversely affect me. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear does nothing to help alleviate, mitigate, or alter the future and the consequences that the future might hold, and that I can prepare myself to handle the future regardless of the consequences without going into a fear reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear reaction when I perceive a loss of control of the future and potential consequences that might adversely affect me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when looking at the fact that the future is in the hands of others, in various scenarios, and thus feeling as though I do not have control over what the future might hold of which others have control over what I might experience, wherein I might experience things that I fear, that this empty space that is created, between me and future potential adverse consequences, manifests into and as a state of worry- because there isn't a definitive relationship of control between me and the potential consequences that I might suffer.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that whenever I perceive that I do not have a direct relationship of control to something or someone wherein thus there may be future consequences that I fear happening to me that I cannot control, or have not control over - worry-energy steps in-between my relationship to that something or someone in my mind so that the relationship becomes defined by worry.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am never in-fact in control of anything, that I only believe that I am in control when I perceive that I have control over future events; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a sense of power when I believe that I am in control and that when I perceive that I am not in control that I feel helpless, and powerless – however within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live 'power' within and as every-breath as who I am as power wherein power is not contingent within and as my control over the outcome of events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and powerless when and as I perceive that I have no control over the future and what others might 'do' to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others might perceive me if I were to 'loose control' and face consequences that I do not desire to happen – wherein within and as this fear of what other might perceive of me I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trying to protect my 'image' which is related to my ability to control the outcome of events so that I appear to be something on the outside that I am not living on the inside.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the relationship / equation to worry that exists, which is: control + fear equals 'no worry', and then 'loss of control' + fear equals worry. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that there really never exists absolute control in the first place, thus when I am not worried and perceive that I have control that this is a false sense of security. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am really always in a position of potential worry when and as the perception of control is challenged. Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as separation from what is here, in the physical, in every moment wherein I need a sense of control in order to remain stable, at all times, instead of living control as who I am in every breath where I see, realize, and understand that I am here within this physical reality always walking consequence that I have no control over and the only 'control' I really have is to stop my mind and live here as all as one as equal and then walk a favorable consequence of what is best for all into manifestation over time, even decades of years.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept that I in-fact do not have direct control over what is here and the consequences that I have already put in motion due to my own actions of which are based on my own mental state of mind. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my only control is within who I am in every-breath here and that from here I can work to increase the odds to bring about the best possible consequences, but ultimately I have no control over what is already set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept and even embrace myself as who I am within and as having no control over consequences.

To be continued...