A re-occurring pattern that I see within and as myself as my mind
is the tendency to try and 'fix' a situation instantly within my mind
without allowing it to play-out in physical reality over the course
of time that is required. This is so when I fear the consequences
that may or may not happen. So, like, I fear the worst-case scenario
and then this fear activates my 'problem resolution' personality that
goes like on over-drive where one thought that pops up takes my into
a whole sequence of thoughts, imaginations, emotions, feelings,
fears, desires that all play-out in my mind taking me completely away
from what is right here in front of me. The more I fear, the more
this 'problem resolution' personality activates and the less that I
am here; therefore, in the physical paying attention to what is here.
I actually fear the consequences of not participating in this
'problem resolution personality'.This goes along with what I have been writing about nervousness, anxiety, and worry.
The reason why I am calling it a 'personality' is that this form of mind possession seems to activate in any type of fear situation where I fear consequences that I fear that I would not be able to or desire to walk through. For instance, I had a dispute with my boss at work the other day about who should pay for errors that cost money to fix. My position is that errors should go into my overall profitability where it may or may not affect my commission rate. This is a happy medium in my view. His position is that I should pay the full direct cost. My immediate response was that we should 'profit-share' if he wants me to pay the full price as I am not getting paid enough for this and thus his position is abusive in my mind. This triggered an argument between us. Of which I became very emotional and reactive. My emotional reaction in this case was due to an extensive amount of back-chat that I had already participated in towards my boss that triggered yet another self-defense personality, I believe, that like took over me. This situation, I will write about in a future writing.
Yet, my emotional re activeness towards my boss caused fear on two fronts to overwhelm me on the drive home. On one front, I feared having to pay for my mistakes in full of which I see as both abusive on the part of my boss and also would be financially harmful to me, and also I fear my own re activeness towards him and thus for my own job security. These fears triggered my 'solve it right now' personality where I couldn't help but go into my mind to solve the situation at hand. In this case, I was trying to listen to some Eqafe interviews on the drive home but could not pay attention at all as I was mind possessed.
This exact mind possession takes over in any situation which generates enough fear as regards to the 'what ifs' – what if this happens, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to potential consequences that may or may not happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping my thoughts as if stopping my thoughts will cause the things that I fear to happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought / idea that 'if I do not think of every possible and conceivable angle right here and right now, that I will manifest the worst case scenario.'
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I participate in the thought / idea that 'I cannot remain here in the breath because that which I fear might manifest' that this triggers my 'solve it now' personality wherein I try to bend physical reality to my will through and within and as my incessant thoughts that run over and over again within and as my mind where think of every conceivable angle over and over again, where I think of what I should have said, what I will say, what I should have done, what I will do in order to bring about a favorable result and minimize consequences. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this 'solve it now' personality that activates and then possesses me completely and totally, takes me out of the physical where I cannot even pay attention to what is here around me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of relief or believe that I am relieving myself emotionally when and as I go into the 'solve it now' personality – where I actually believe that I feel better when in this mind possession than what I would if I were to just remain here and breathe. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason I perceive myself to 'feel better' is only because I am balancing out the negative emotion of fear that drives me to and triggers the 'solve it now' personality in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot stand through the worst case scenario, whatever it may be. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop self-trust – where I trust myself to remain here one and equal, one and the same – constant no matter the circumstances – where I direct myself within and as the breath in each and every breath to do what is practical and best for me and best for all. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself that there is anything more that I could ever do than simply structure within and as my mind the best possible solution and then walk it breath by breath, step-by-step.
To be continued...
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