Saturday, November 30, 2013

JTL Day 83 – Hiding from myself

I have been going in and out of an incessant worry over whether or not I am capable of writing myself to freedom. As if, I cannot do it and can never really grasp how to do it.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the points that come up into my awareness, as if I am picking fruit – looking for the 'best' one, and then oftentimes I don't pick any because none qualify. And within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that everything of the mind is on the table – that no point is 'too small or irrelevant or insignificant.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-complicate my walk by believing that I have to have everything 'down-pat' before I can really effectively write myself to freedom.



And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to open up points to see them completely for what they are so that I can effectively write them out.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse myself about points as they come up by 'over thinking' them to the extent that I start to become unsure of how to write out these points and then within that I give up.



I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that at this stage of my walk, I am not going to see all the mufti-dimensions of points, but as time goes on, with consistent application, I will begin to see all the multi-dimensions of points because of my expanded self-awareness.



And within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept and embrace myself for who I am now, as one and equal with and as a mind-consciousness system placement; so that from within that point, of being equal with and as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, I can direct myself to re-create myself as life.



I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I go into resistance to blogging and vlogging because of self-doubt that I have the ability to see all the multi-dimensions of points, that this self-doubt is really me resisting accepting myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and therefore within this I am not embracing myself for and as who I am now in this very moment, which is causing more conflict within me and forcing me more into the mind.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a point comes up into my awareness, then go into over-analyzing the point within the knowledge and information that I have attained. But by doing so, the point oftentimes becomes even more confusing and blurry and intimidating as I begin to feel that I do not really understand the point any longer.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'over think points' to a point where I become actually confused about them and then begin questioning 'is this a real point? Or how do I even write this point out?”



I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that 'over-thinking' points is a point to write about in and of itself, as this activity is of the mind.



I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that literally everything is on the 'table' – there are no points too small, or to insignificant. I am here to stop my existence as a mind in its totality.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'over-think' points, instead of just remaining here in the breath and taking note of points as they come into my awareness so that I can later write them out.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'maybe I don't really understand the material'.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of writing and sharing myself because of my belief that I may not truly understanding the material and that someone else may judge me to be a 'hopeless cause'



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of fear to the thought that others may see that I am lost and unable to understand that material and unable to write out points effectively.



And withing this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing support from others on my walk.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that these fears are completely self-created, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the point of worrying incessantly about what others think about my writing.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry because of my participation in the thought that 'if I do not worry, that I may not be able to ensure the best possible outcome'. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to try to control my reality through worry.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the measure of how effective I am at my blogging and vlogging is really up to me and how supportive it is in assisting me to stop my mind and my existence as a mind-consciousness system.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that even un-effective blogging and vlogging can be supportive from the point that by reviewing it, I can see where I am in my walk and where I need to make adjustments – so within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the simple act of blogging and vlogging is in itself supportive so long as my intention is to align myself within oneness and equality and stop my mind, because over time, I will expand myself through my participation so that I can really begin to see what it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as the mind, and stop.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to 'hide' within not making any blogs and vlogs so no one can see how lost I really am and so that I do not have to face myself as 'stuck' in my mind.



When and as I see myself over-thinking points and then becoming confused and intimidated about them I stop and take an in-breath and out-breath. I see, realize, and understand that what I need to do is 'slow' down and pull myself out of my mind because I am over complicating things and simply just need to remain 'here' within and as the breath.



When and as I see myself going into self-judgments that my writing is not effective and then fears and worry that others may see this, I stop and I breath because I realize that within doing this, I am not truly embracing myself as who I am now in this very moment; and I realize that my effectiveness will grow as I expand myself through my blogging and vlogging, from where I am now.



When and as I see myself going into incessant worry over what others think of my writing or losing support from others because they have 'giving up on me', I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this fear and worry is completely self-created and achieves nothing. I see, realize, and understand that consistent self application is the only solution, and this is a simple solution - Just get up and do it.



And thus,



I commit myself to embracing myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be as one and equal with and as a mind-consciousness system placement, and from there directing myself to use the tools of self-will, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-breathing, blogging, and vlogging to over-time re-create myself as life from the physical.



I commit myself to stop going into the emotional reactions of fear and worry over the quality of my writing by instead breathing, and even breathing deeply if necessary until the worry and fear stops.



I commit myself to stopping the over-thinking of points as they come up and instead breathing.



I commit myself to consistent application so that over-time I can expand myself to be able to see all the multi-dimensions of points.



I commit myself to taking self-responsibility to stop my mind as best I can from where I am now.

 

No comments:

Post a Comment